Dear Mr Bowyer,

In response to your recent enquiry to register Porcine Aviation as a public carrier of freight and/or passengers, please find enclosed the requisite application forms you will need to complete to obtain an Air Operator's Certificate. You will see that these cover Airworthiness Requirements, Business Probity Requirements, Security Requirements, Ground Operations Requirements and the General Exposition Requirement.

I have to say that from the brief outline in your letter it would appear that you may have some significant work to do before Porcine Aviation can be duly certified as a Commercial Air Carrier. My concerns are summarised below, but please be advised that these are purely personal comments which have no official standing. You are naturally free to pursue registration in any way that you desire.

1. Your letter advises that your Air Vehicle Maintenance Authority will be "J.A Herriot FRCVS & Sons". After extensive searches I have been unable to establish any prior M3 Maintenance Approval or Chief Engineer Registration for Mr Herriot or his company. Such registration would be a prerequisite.

2. Your Air Vehicle Pilot Designees are specified as "Farmer Giles boys Rory and Bill". Whilst recognising that they may be registered under other names, I have been unable to verify that these pilots hold the required Frozen ATPL and Type Ratings to enable them to act as P1 on commercial flights. Please be advised that if they hold FAA ATPL qualifications from the USA they will need to undertake conversion training.

3. Your Pilot Proficiency Authority/Check Pilot/Aircrew Training Officer is listed as "Farmer Giles old Head Pigman, Joe Grundy". Again, I have been unable to establish any pilot qualifications for this man, nor can I find where he would have obtained the required 10,000 hours as P1 on type.

4. You have proposed that "Rosey Buggins" would function as your Passenger Safety/Cabin Attendant because "she's always willing to satisfy anyone's needs and never gets upset by people asking for weird stuff". I have to say that, even though you have offered me the opportunity to personally verify this claim, Ms Buggins would need to acquire further training and qualifications before we could accept her suitability for this role. Whilst we accept that it indicates a high degree of physical fitness and agility, the fact that she can be "off the pole, out of the hayloft,  into her clothes and back into the kitchen within 5 seconds of hearing her father's footsteps" will not automatically waiver the requirement for emergency cabin escape training.

5. I have had some difficulty in identifying the aircraft type you intend to use for your services. As far as I am aware the "Gloucester Old Spot" has never received a Public Category Certificate of Airworthiness - I presume that the "Vietnamese Pot-Belly" is some form of freighter and as such would require less rigorous certification, but even this appears to be lacking.

Overall I cannot recommend strongly enough that you reconsider your choices in personnel and equipment, at least for the early stages of your business. An initial fleet of recognised aircraft from either Airbus or Boeing would certainly simplify the whole initial certification process, leaving you free you explore and experiment with your Gloucester Old Spots as your operational experience increases.

Dear Sirs

Re: Safety Report on Swillair Porcine Aviation Proposal

In response to your request for type approval of the aforementioned aircraft, we regret to inform you that your design submission has been rejected for the following reasons :-

1. We note that you intend to utilise the notoriously unreliable under-tail 'External Combustion Pulse Detonation' Engine. We are aware that some advanced research is being undertaken into Pulse Detonation Engines, both in the UK and ‘over the pond’, but we consider that your request for type approval is somewhat premature. We note that the plans for your propulsion system seem lacking in detail and note that the aft jet propulsion system you propose, might not be capable of sustained thrust and would produce considerable atmospheric pollution, of a distasteful nature
2. Your proposed use of non aircraft-rated fuels such as "household leftovers", "school swill" and "turnip tops" may well allow access to considerable quantities of available fuel, as you mention, but we consider that the silo storage methods you propose will not satisfy CAA specification CAA-001-347 ‘Aircraft Fuels, the safe storage and use of’.
3. We consider that the problems associated with refuelling of the Swillair Porcine Aircraft may result in slow turnaround and poor range. May we suggest that you consider some form of automated, mechanical device to refuel the aircraft, instead of the ‘aircraft will refuel itself when it feels hungry’ method that you propose?
4. Your proposed use of novel structural materials which have not been flight rated gives us some cause for concern.
5. Lack of directional control due to absence of sufficient vertical tail surfaces
6. Total lack of rudder control and inability to demonstrate reliable control of the pig both on the ground and in flight.
7. We consider that you have not provided the aircraft with sufficient control surface authority to enable the pilot to control the aircraft in flight.
8. Inability to safely retract the undercarriage; the undercarriage is of flimsy design and construction and prone to snapping at high ground speeds.
9. We consider that your proposal does not demonstrate sufficient airframe damage tolerance. We note that you intend to operate this aircraft from unprepared strips and we consider that damage to the airframe could occur and prevent safe operation.
10. Unproven lift-generating properties of the design. We have had the blended wing body design you submitted examined by the country's pre-eminent aerodynamicist, Professor P.D.Rieden. In his opinion, your design is <quote> Rubbish! <unquote>. Prof. Rieden will be submitting his 150 page detailed technical demolition of your design and his damning indictment of your use of over-simplified aerodynamic theory, in due course.
11. Unacceptable ditching properties, especially into muddy ditches and wallows.
12. Lack of places to mount the anti-collision bacon, sorry, beacon, and the omission in your proposal of the fitment of transponder, radio and instruments
13. Lack of screening for the pilot
14. Your proposal to assemble this aircraft with inexperienced and non-certified aircraft technicians gives us some grounds for concern. Your prime contractor, ‘OldMacDonald-Dugless’ and principal subcontractor, ‘Boaring’ do not hold JAA approval as registered aircraft manufacturers. We would prefer the syndicate whom you propose to manufacture this aircraft to include at least one manufacturer that we’ve actually heard of before.
15. Random sporadic ejection of debris from the propulsion system (or follow-through as you call it), cannot be accepted. The ejection of debris is liable to cause distress to people on the ground and we suggest that some form of debris retention device is designed to overcome this problem.

Overall, our response to your proposal is "If This Ever gets Off The Ground, Pigs Might Fly"

This manual applies to the Sopwith Piggy, Porker-Harrier and all other Oink-Class Aircraft.

Storage

Porcine carriers should be stored in a large, well-ventilated hangar with ample provision of self-refuelling and an absorbent floor covering (e.g. straw, hay) to soak up any spent fuel seeping from the tailpipe.

An easily hosed-down concrete floor is often used during the manufacturing process, but this is not actually recommended as the unit may sustain surface damage or discolouration should it topple.

In the absence of a suitable hangar, porcine aviation units may be stored in the open air, this has the advantage that build up of odour is minimised.

Routine Checks and Maintenance

Any surface staining should be removed before use as this may adversely affect the unit's aerodynamic properties. The 100 hour inspection should check for signs of crackling in the fuselage skin.  Crackling is a sign that the unit has been used beyond the upper limit of its recommended operating temperature.

Trotters shall be checked for excessive wear and shoes fitted if appropriate.  In the unlikely even of overgrown trotters, the edges may be rasped, filled or clipped and care must be taken to correctly level all 4 feet.  Units with less than 4 feet should be retired from service.

Eyes, ears and nose shall be checked for crusting.

The exhaust system shall be checked for clogging, crusting or spatter and dried debris ("clinker" or "cling-ons") shall be removed.  It may occasionally be necessary to flush the exhaust system.  When cleaning the exhaust system, protective clothing and gloves must be worn as waste products are spontaneously ejected from the system when build-up reaches a critical quantity. 

Spares and Repairs

Should a Porcine Aviation unit become defective or excessively worn, it shall be retired from service. 

These systems have a built in obsolescence of 6 - 7 years under moderate usage or 3-4 years if used heavily.  There are no replacement parts available, but the unit may be cannibalised and recycled into fuel for other porcine Aviation units. 

Alternatively, the unit may be broken for spares there being a ready marked for porcine products.

Minor repairs may be undertaken by a Porcine Approved Repairer holding the following qualifications e.g. Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons, Doctor of Veterinary Medicine or equivalent.  Certificated Small Animal Specialists (e.g. BSAVA) may be used in an emergency but any repairs must be checked by a Porcine Approved Repairer within 48 hours or the airworthiness certification may be suspended by the PAA.

PORCINE AVIATION AUTHORITY RULES & REGULATIONS

Statutory and Regulatory Considerations

Porcine craft are not permitted to enter Israeli airspace or to over-fly Muslim countries due to the danger of falling porcine wastes.  In addition, Porcine craft may not make emergency landings in these countries as they are considered unclean.  The Equine Aviator, model type "Pegasus" is the recommended alternative for operators serving countries where porcine craft are banned.

The belief that Porcine craft may not land on water due to problems with flailing undercarriage slicing the neck-mounted fuel intake line is pure hogwash.

A Captain of Porcine Aviation Certificated of Porcine Pilot Certificate must be held by the pilot. Pilots must be in possession of the appropriate license, ratings for the type and a current class 3 medical certificate. If they wish to carry passengers then they must have performed a minimum of 3 take-offs and landings within the past 3 months. If they wish to fly out of sight of ground or in controlled airspace they must hold an Instrument Rating and must have flown in IMC for at least 10 hours in the preceding 12 months. If they wish to fly for "hire or reward" they must be in possession of a minimum of a BCPL, appropriate type ratings, a current Class 1 medical certificate and adequate professional indemnity insurance.

Date of Accident: 12 October 2000

Aircraft Type: Tamworth/Gloucester Old Spot Hybrid, Single-Seater, Single-Engine

Injuries: Pilot (fatal) and three on ground (minor, burnt by bacon fat), several reports of E Coli in a 2 mile radius of impact site.

Investigator: Sus Scrofa (Head of Air Ops, Western Europe)

Date of Report: 12/10/0001

There was considerable difficulty in recovering the debris in order to reconstruct the circumstances of the accident due to the peculiar nature of the aircraft. Many important structural parts were never recovered and of those which were, several were recovered from supermarket delicatessen counters where they were being traded as "sausage", "bacon", "gammon", "prosciutto" and similar. The following notes detail the short maiden flight of Porcine Aviation Flight 001.

The aircraft was a home-grown single-engined prototype built to demonstrate the theory of porcine aviation. It was constructed from pigskin stretched over a musculo-skeletal frame with an internally mounted bio-fuel conversion plant. The accident occurred on the first flight of the type. The pilot was the designer (described as "breeder") of the craft, and at the time of the accident had no previous flying experience (discounting "test flights", none of which reached an altitude greater than 7 feet above ground level). At the time of the flight the wind was an estimated Force 4 increasing to Force 5 on the Beaufort scale and cloud cover was 5/10 at all altitudes with light precipitation i.e. "typical British summer".

Pre-flight inspection consisted of checking all 4 trotters, cleaning debris from nose, eyes and ears and ensuring that the saddle and bridle were fully tightened. No straps were found to be frayed or unduly worn. The craft had internally converted enough "best slop and swill" into combustible gas for a successful take-off. Ground crew reported than unusually large amounts of onion and red pepper had been used in this batch of bio-fuel to increase gas production.

Witnesses report that 2 previous flight attempts had ended when the craft ditched into a haystack during, or shortly after, take-off. Previous flights had totalled 3.5 minutes airtime although it is debatable that the craft was actually airborne in the accepted sense of the word. On the day of the accident, the Tamworth/Gloucester Old Spot Hybrid took off from a narrow cobbled runway beside Farrowing Unit Number 2 at Walls Pork Farm. Take-off was effected by igniting a tail-mounted gas jet and according to ground crew, the craft "took off down the runway like a pig with its tail on fire".

Approximately 12 minutes into the flight, some 1.5 miles south of Farrowing Unit Number 2, the aircraft was observed to maneouvre erratically and the pilot was unable to re-establish control. After several aerobatic manouevres apparently caused by intermittent failure of the single aft jet engine, the craft spun out of control and exploded on impact due to pockets of gas in the fuel lines. The remains of the craft and the pilot were impossible to separate although Mrs Jones' ham pies (Jones Pork Butchers Est 1885) were reportedly "tastier than usual".

The novel musculo-skeletal structure of the aircraft was known to be the subject of physical restrictions on flight or "It's a miracle the damn thing ever took off in the first place". When the gas supply to the aft jet engine failed, the craft's velocity was insufficient to keep it airborne and the surface-to-weight ratio did not permit it to glide safely to earth. The unfortunate pilot was, in effect, strapped to a craft which followed the Laws of Physics as applicable to a rocket. The steering systems apparently consisted of bridle and reins.

The post-impact fire converted most of the craft into pork by-products which were salvaged by onlookers. It is, however, possible to re-enact the final moments of the flight using similar Oxford Sandy-and-Black propelled from a large catapult to demonstrate the fundamental design flaws which caused Porcine Aviation 001's sudden return to earth.

This accident was clearly caused by an enthusiast attempting to prove the airworthiness of an aerodynamically unsound craft. The combined weight of the aircraft and pilot would require a substantially increased wing surface area in order for it to remain airborne once the rocket-assisted take-off engine burned out. In addition, the steering system was inadequate. However, the large shipment of pork chops from the scene of the accident was much appreciated by staff at this office.

We currently have no comment to make on the rumour of a "Red Farrows" formation flying team.

Deah Suh,

We got yer letter about Boaring airyplanes, an we dint quite know what to make of it, cause we aint got no airyplanes out here in the hills. So we called the fambly together an had a spirited talk about it. Billie Bobs spirit, come to it. An ya know how good his shine is.

So Bobby Bob figgers you dont know a hog from a plane, but Jim Bob figgers ya want us to make some pigs fly for some reason. Now this went down as a plum good idear. Cause we was at the end of Billie Bobs first jug an anythingll fly by then.

So we figgered to talk to Mary Jean Bob, cause she went to school an writes good an all. An Mary Jean Bob sez, hey, there aint nuttin to it. She was readin stuff on the innernet, they gots innernet in town now, she was readin that things will fly if they long an skinny.

But we sez, shit, Mary Jean Bob, pigs aint long an skinny. An she called us dumb asses, like she always does, and says aint ya never heard of tricky-noses. Well that dint mean nuttin to us, but she sez to put a fancy nose on it an make it long an skinny an itll go mockfor. So we asked whats mockfor but she dint know but it was on the innernet. An she sez to cut off anything the hog dont need.

So we done builded a mockfor barrow. With a tricky-noses thing we got from this young feller in Tacoma. Mary Jean Bob knowed who he wuz. He sez we owes him two millyun. Is that moren two hunnert? Anyways, we even mixed somea Billie Bobs shine in the slop, cause this hyar pig gotta go to englan, which is a fur piece off. But we dont know whicha way it is. So couldja tell us whichy way to point this hyar pig afir we lite it off?

Oh yeah, that slop, with Billie Bobs shine in it, it do go thru in a hurry, so dont be standin behind this hyar pig.

Respekly,

Ralph Bob McDonald

Well we got this hog all done and ready to be fired up when cuzn Mae comes along and she sez our hog gotta be sent to the Tally Barn. Well we dint know of no Tally Barn and figgered it to be in the next county but cuzn Mae sez she heard the Tally Barn belong to some ole feller called Alf Ganny Stan. We dunno them folks neither.

She tole us that Alf Ganny Stan's Tally Barn don’t like hogs. So Bobby Bob an ah caint figger why we sendin him hogs with tricky-noses at mockfor an all that. Cuzn Maes right eddercated an she sez if we send all our hogs to the Tally Barn then they give up right then sos we don’t send em any more hogs. Dint make no sense, leastaways dint make no sense till after the second jug a Billie Bobs best shine.

Then I asked how big that Tally Barn is cos they’ll prolly stop wantin hogs soonas that barn filled up with our hogs providin they not also wantin ter use it for spongey-formed cattle or nuttin.

Mae sez ter put lots of Billie Bobs best shine in them hogs cos that Alf Ganny Stan feller don’t approve a shine. Well ah aint met no-one don’t like Billie Bobs shine septin maybe the ex-eyes man and he don’t come lurkin round these parts since Mary Jean Bob give him a seatful a lead. She sez plentya shine and that Stan fellerll give in a whole lot faster. Bobby Bob, Billie Bob an I give each other a sly glance cos we know how cuzn Mae gives in faster when shes had a whole loada Billie Bobs shine.

Bobby Bob an ah is buildin morea these mockfor barrows and Billie Bobs makin shine like hes never made shine before. Gramma is cuttin off anythin the hogs don’t need for mockfor sos we don’t waste them bits. Mary Jean Bob went to see that feller for enough tricky-noses for all the hogs hereabouts.

Way I figgers it, we got coupla hunnert hogs ready ter send to that Alf Ganny Stan feller. Septin for one thing we still aint got figgered zactly which aways to send them.

Eeeee Doggies! Rocky Mountain Oysters at Messybeast Tooo-nite!

Miz Hotdesking,

You shore wrote that purdy. You must be one ah them thar BBC news readers. <spits> That wuz so purdy, ah'd even take a bath fer ya, an it aint even plantin time. We dont git much news up here in the hills, but you made sense ah everything for us. We been talkin bout sendin some ah the unemployment check to them folks in New York. Woulda done it too, cept Billie Bob wrecked the pickup.

Agin.

He wuz purdy much alright, jest cut up a bit, so we took him over to doc Weaver, he's the one what cured our goats. An doc patched him up right good. He'll scar up some, but he purdy much cut hisself where he done before, so he wont look no worse. Like he could.

Did wanna correk somethin though. Where ya mentioned that Mary Jean Bob gave that ex-eyes man a seatful ah lead. Well, we dont get a lot ah eddycation up here, but we knows whats in a shotgun shell, an its steel. Less ya make up yer own. So we keep a few shells loaded with rock salt. Yessireebob, that rock salt is a gift that keeps on givin!

Anyways, it was good to hear that theres a place for livestock in this hyar war, cause we knows somethin bout livestock, sos maybe we kin help.

But we caint figger out what a Messybeast is.

Respeckly,

Ralph Bob McDonald

Miz Hotdesking,

A body can find the most amazin stuff on the innernet. Mary Jean Bob wuz showin me this ewesnet thang, an here was Ken Bob writin notes! Now if that don't beat all! He musta been _real_ nice to that there parole board!

I give this matter some thought, bout usin real hard noggins fer armor plate. An it don't seem like it'll work. Cuz things that is real hard don't bend, they break. And things that bend can only bend so much. Fact of the matter is, they ain't no free lunch, ya always gotta give to git. Mary Jean Bob can go to her college an find somebody that'll say that in thirty five cent words.

I tole this to Billie Bob, he wuz gonna build a real fast shine runner. I tole him he couldn't go fast as a radio, an he'd get caught, an he'd spend time inna slammer. Well, you know Billie Bob. He couldn't, he did, an he is.

We had Mary Jean Bob talk to the judge, she been in law school for eight or ten year, but it din't do no good. So she got a feller name of Vince Bob to help. Nice fella, talks a blue streak. We put Granny in front of him, she nods when she rocks an cain't hear a lick.

So here's the deal. The revenooers don't much care about the shine. But when we shot that pig over yer way, well, we had Billie Bob grab a pig. An he had some time to do some figurin an he figured it would be better to shoot off one of Ledbetter's pigs. Dang if Ledbetter din't see him take that pig.

So Billie Bob is in the hoosegow fer rustlin a pig, an Vince Bob ain't shut up long nuff fer us to tell him. The judge knows Billie Bob an set the bail real high. So, it would be right nice if we could get that pig back. An if ya cain't find it, that's all right,
at least we don't have to feed Billie Bob.

Or cash money. If'n we got cash money fer that pig, an the unemployment check, we could get that second still. We'd hafta leave Billie Bob locked up, but he'd unnerstand.

Be like living a dream.

Ralph Bob

Immediately distinguishable by its solid, not cloven undercarriage, this US made aircraft is manoeuvrable both on the ground and in the air and has especial ease of take-off due to its small footprint. Offers good fuel economy on lower grade fuels.

With its distinctive livery, the GOS-Flyer was designed to utilize apples as its primary fuel and to be a highly affordable small craft. Though economical to run, it is sluggish in flight and tends to "wallow". Pilots report it to be "slow, heavy and unresponsive". Nevertheless, for hobby flyers it is inexpensive to maintain and has many safety features.

A Danish Bacon built long-bodied jet, this streamlined unit slices through the air but suffers from being underpowered in the hind propulsion units. This is only a problem at take-off and landing and once airborne, it is the Concorde of modern flying pigs. The under-strength rear supports make landing tricky and the undercarriage could do with strengthening in general.

Small and sporty, this agile porcine flyer is favoured for military purposes as its responsiveness and agility make it ideal for high-speed, below-radar low-level flights. Tamworth Jet Engines are also used on the Porker-Harrier.

An experimental craft no longer in production, it combined a novel "fluffy" covering with a short-bodied conformation to cope with a full complement of passengers and their luggage. Originally aimed at the charter flight holiday sector, it was ultimately only produced as a limited production run, losing out to the Berkshire.

Wide-bodied cargo craft specially designed for transportation of smaller flying pigs. The short wide design make it slow and cumbersome, but as a special-to-type porcine carrier it is unsurpassed by any other flying pig freighter currently available. It scores over the cheaper Vietnamese Potbelly in that it can take-off and land on much shorter runways and does not suffer from the "sagging and dragging" defect which often manifests in the Potbelly.

The Berkshire Bacon is reliable and economical but undistinguished. It is a popular charter pig for short to medium haul holiday flights, but its compact interior make it uncomfortable over longer distances.

Formed through a merger of Essex Porkers and Wessex Piggies, the British Saddleback is a rugged dual purpose craft and withstands hard work in sub-optimum conditions. It copes well with landing and take-off on grass strips and needs minimal maintenance, making it popular for domestic flights from grass-strip or dirt-strip runways.

This is Ham & Gammon's competitor against the Berkshire Bacon and currently one of the commonest craft in production.

With the unique "lop-ear" design, this is currently the only rotor-blade flying pig or "Pork Chopper" as it is affectionately known. Unmistakable in flight, it is used by the Armed Forces, off-shore oil companies and for offshore search-and-rescue.

A long-haul version of the Middle White, now being phased out to make way for increased production of the Danish bacon Landrace.

Sandy & Black were a small flying pig manufacturer based near Cowley, Oxford. They produced the original Oxford as one of the earliest cross-channel flying pigs. Modern Oxfords as seen at Piggin Hill Airshow are replicas though some contain lovingly restored original Sandy & Black parts. Several collections boast true veteran Oxfords, none of which are airworthy.

A short to medium haul porker manufactured by Trotters. Trotters went out of business following following the Essex Porker/Wessex Piggies merger. Trotters found themselves unable to compete with the British Saddle Back company and the last Yorkshire Blue & Whites were meatballed in the 1940s.

The reliable, no-frills Dorset was at its most popular between the two World Wars, but went out of production at the same time as the Yorkshire Blue & White and for the same reason.

This daring porcine aerobatics team comprises highly trained sows which perform a variety of stunning airborne manoeuvres at porcine airshows throughout the land. The Red Farrows are all Tamworths, renowned for their manoeuvrability at speed and for their distinctive red colour.

MoD spokesmen yesterday confirmed that an RAF Tornado engaged a herd of swine at 8,000 feet over Essex. Two airborne porcine intruders, believed to be Middle Whites in training for a Zurich Insurance advert, were shot down. According to the spokesman, this demonstrated the superior performance of the Tornado’s air interception radar. The remainder of the swine escaped due to their advanced flying skills, better manoeuvrability and the fact that pigs get more flight training hours than RAF airmen.

"They are either telling porkies of hamming it up," quipped a reporter for the Pig Issue.

The Middle Whites often train with the Red Farrows formation flying team.

Farmer Giles, defending his decision in court to sell pork by the pound and not by the kilo, said that he would not accept metric weights and measures until he could "fly to France on the back of a pig".

The farming community is currently split over the likelihood of porcine aviation and farmers union leaders have been criticised for failing to control pigosceptic extremists or the pigocentric protestors.

When instructed to adopt grams and kilos, Giles' co-defendant "Old" MacDonald retorted "When the price of bacon goes up."

Their comments were heavily criticised by members of the Porcine Aviation Society (PAS) who claim to be very close to perfecting the lighter-than-air pig.

"We are very excited," said a spokesman for PAS, "This means that all those things that can only be done 'when pigs can fly' can now happen - for example world peace and the completion of many overdue major software projects!"