TO: Trojan Army Listserv < Trojans-L@troy.org
RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! IT IS EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY! The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two storeys tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.
DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.
FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
RE: Greeks bearing gifts
I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tip-offs that this is a hoax:
1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" junk. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phoenicians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.
Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.
RE: Undeliverable mail
The following message had permanent fatal errors. Please check the email address (or check to see that your intended recipient has not been swallowed up by a large sea serpent).
--- Forwarded Message ---
RE: Greeks bearing gifts...
Forward this to everyone you know!
--- End Forwarded Message ---
RE: CAVE!! TIME DANAOS ET DONA FERENTES!
Haec epistula mihi remisit Cassandra--videtur rectam. Remitte, quaeso, Priamo Hecubaeque XCIXque fratribus et sororibus.
CAVE! CAVE! CAVE!
SI DONUM TIBI DATUM EST CUI FORMA EQUI INGENTIS LIGNEI, NOLI ID EXTRAHERE!!!! Est PERNICIOSUM et TOTAM URBEM rescribiat! Hoc "donum" simulat equum magnum ligneum, circa triginti pedes altitudinis. Solet apparere ex portis urbis et videtur relictum.
NOLI per portas ire sinere! Ei inest armatura quae non bene congruit programmatibus Troianis, haud excepta turba bellatorum Graecorum qui bellatores exercitum tuum vastabunt, oppidum tuum diripiant, et mulieres liberosque tuos interficiant. Si tale donum iam tibi datum esset, NOLI ID APERIRE! Inapertum ex urbe donum retrahe et in litore crema.
OMNIBUS COGNITIS HANC EPISTULAM REMITTE!
RE: Danais dona ferentibus
Dicere me piget hanc fraudem unam ex antiquissimis fraudibus esse. Monitiones similes in gregibus aliis vidi, unam de fructe quae sumptores occidit, et alteram de quodam cui nomen "tactus Midae." Haec sunt signa quibus hanc fraudem esse scias:
i) Hoc stercus "Omnibus cognitis hanc epistulam remitte." Si vere de exercitu Graeco tractat, quare aliquem jube remittere Punicis, Sumeriis, Cretanisque?
ii) Puncta exclamationis. Signa certa falsitatis.
iii) Num scripsit Poseidon? Non semper Ulixem amat, sed nonne est pro parte Graeca? Praeterea, inscriptionis verae inopiam suspicor.
iv) Technicaliter, non potest equus urbem totam rescribere. Equus non alius quam animali est.
Insequentem talem epistulam dele. Cura tua mihi placet, sed cum non jam tiro his in rebus esses, sentias quam taedet haec epistulae.