Military Reactions to Snake Threats
Another gem from the company internal newsgroup. Newsgroup motto/disclaimer: "Please note that this newsgroup is a promoter of equal opportunity sarcasm and seeks to insult everyone equally."

British Forces Military Reactions to Snake Threat
US Law Enforcement Reactions to Snake Threat
US Armed Forces Reactions to Snake Threat
International Armed Forces Reactions to Snake Threat
Hollywood Version of Armed Forces Reaction to Snake Threat
Civilian Reaction to Snake Threat
Company-Name.Rec.Misc Subscribers' Typical Responses To Snake Jokes

British Forces Military Reactions to Snake Threat

Tracks snake through jungle.
Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

Parachute Regiment
Lands on and kills snake.

Armoured Division
Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective - to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

Royal Marine Commando
Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake.

Has Global Positioning Satellite co-ordinates to snake.
Can't find snake.
Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Combat Engineer
Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using
counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pay no attention.
Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage.
Misses snake.
Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it.
Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

Special Forces
Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind.
Trains snake to kill other snakes.
Files massive expenses claim. Writes best seller "Python Two Zero".

British Army.
Digs trenches in front of snake.
Generals order troops over the top.
Troops refuse and are shot for treason!

Army Medical Services
Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

Royal Navy
Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed.
Makes presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

Royal Navy 2
Sailor in uniform but on shore leave approaches snake while carrying can of beer.
Unzips fly and pees on snake at same time as opening new can of beer.
Snake bites sailor "where it hurts".
Sailor doesn't notice and, operating on autopilot, returns to ship reporting no sightings of snakes.
Is told to zip up fly.

Territorial Army
Kills snake by accident on weekend camp.
Keeps quiet about it.

See snake whilst trekking through jungle.
Mass hysteria, climbing up trees.
Snake dies of fright.
Boys sent in to rescue girls from trees.

Royal Air Force
Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake.
Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, RAF Regiment.
Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake.
Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can't find snake. Drops bombs in sea on way home.
Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

Intelligence Corps
Snake? What snake?
Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active.
Assesses potential for snake activity as low.
Dies of snake-bite.

Defence Logistic Organisation
Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating massive workload at grade 1 staff level.
Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing.
Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group.
Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002.
Snake experts from Special Forces and Gurkhas told not know what talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chefs and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions.
Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy.
Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

Major British Defence Contractor
Identifies potential market for snake detection and 'defence' system.
Develops system using Government Funding.
Government gives system to the US.

Adjutant General
Determines that snake is not black, female, homosexual, disabled.
Loses interest.

US Law Enforcement Reactions to Snake Threat

US Coast Guard (USCG)
Chases snake. Fires shot across snake's bow.
Boards snake and detains it.
Sends it to foreign snake impoundment camp at Guantanamo Bay.

Military Police
Wait for somebody else to capture snake.
Beat up snake, deny responsibility.

Offered the snake immunity, put it into Witness Protection, and it's testifying before the Grand Jury next week.

After searching the forest, are as yet unable to find signs of snake activity.
Project Snakefinder will improve serpent-location ability at a cost of only $7.9 billion dollars, provided CIA can place snake-trackers on every phone line in the US.

CIA (2) - The Area 52 Scenario
Existence of snake denied.
There is no, nor has there ever been, any snake.
Latest USAF stealth jet closely resembles witnesses descriptions of snake.

Surrounded the forest where the snake lived and set fire to it, killing all the snakes.
But the snake started it.

<cue video of four officers dragging a badly beaten woodchuck out of the forest. The woodchuck's mumbling "I confess, I admit it, I'm a snake...">

US Armed Forces Reactions to Snake Threat

US Airborne
Lands on and kills the snake.

US Army
Flies troops to scene of snake threat (foreign country).
Flies support staff to scene of snake threats.
Builds equivalent of small American town out of camouflaged netting and green canvas; includes hospitals, canteens, dry-cleaning facilities, gym, manicurists and health spa.
Lay siege to snake
Snake sets fire to itself and dies.
Declared an American victory for the free world by American President (participation of other nations grudgingly acknowledged along lines of 'with a supporting cast of')
Ticker-tape parades for homecoming troops.
Snake Day declared annual national holiday; becomes traditional to eat roast snake 'with all the trimmings'.

US Aviation
Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS.
FAC gives steer to target.
Can't find snake.
Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

US Field Artillery
Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three forward Artillery Brigades in support.
Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage.
Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

US Special Forces
Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind.
Trains it to kill other snakes.
Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
Snake starts restaurant in CO's home town.

US Combat Engineer
Studies snake.
Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets.
Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake.
Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety.
Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist snakes.

US Navy
Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships
Kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Plays with snake, then eats it.

US Marine Corps
Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs and/or prostitutes.
Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Reconnaissance
Follows snake, gets lost.

Combat Controllers
Guides snake elsewhere.

Para-Rescue Jumper
Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

Supply Corps
Issues "NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder"

Transport Plane Pilot
Receives call for anti-snake equipment
Air-drops expired snakebite kits delivers two weeks after due date, two grid squares away on roof of children's hospital.

F-15 Fighter Pilot
Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles.
Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

F-16 Fighter Pilot
Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc, please tick appropriate box.)
Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
Suggests procurement of million-dollar, air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.

AH-64 Apache Pilot
Unable to locate snake, cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infra-red.
Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAMs.

UH-60 Blackhawk Pilot
Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone.
Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

B-52 Pilot
Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Missile Crew
Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
Under political pressure intelligence admits the snake is in vicinity but cannot conclude this is the same snake originally identified.

Military Intelligence Officer
Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG)
Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

International Armed Forces Reactions to Snake Threat

Israeli Forces
Accuses snake of war crimes.
Kill snake quickly, quietly and with minimum of fuss.
So quietly in fact that world doesn't even notice ….

Russian Army (Communist Era)
Lots of formation marching and parading of military hardware as army sets off to defend the motherland.
Lots of formation marching and parading of military hardware as army returns from defending the motherland.
Years of official denials following rumor that army did not actually find and kill snake.
Meanwhile, snake has been killed and eaten by illiterate rural peasant family unaware that country was at war.

Tell the snake that will face the Mother of All Snakes, then get soundly beaten by the snake.
Announce annual national holiday to mark stunning victory over the snake.
Gadaffi claims to have evidence that the snake was in fact a chicken and that chicken accidentally detonated itself!

French Forces
Hear rumour of snake invasion and surrender.
Resistance compiles cook book of snake recipes

Italian Forces
Found face down, unconscious, with snake bite on bum.

Italian Forces (2)
Drive snake round Naples for an hour.
Ensuing heart attack (from pure fear) kills snake.

Hollywood Version of Armed Forces Reactions to Snake Threat

Hollywood Version
British Navy captures snake after a brilliant plan is thought up.
They return the snake to England which helps win the war.
Spielberg makes a film version where American Navy captures snake after a brilliant plan is thought up.
American forces portrayed as managing to destroy most of the snakes navy in the process.
They return the snake to America which helps win the war.
"Serpent Private Python", a war-herpetology film is a box-office smash hit, and "Snake 571" with legless reptiles capturing a Nazi snake decoding machine.

Civilian Reactions to Snake Threat

Foreign Office
Decides that the snake is a poor foreign minority.
Agrees to supply it with free army surplus boots.
And surplus army equipment.
Snake declares war on its benefactor.

Law Professional
Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

Campaign Groups
The snake is adopted as a symbol of something-or-other by both the pro-snake and anti-snake factions.
After bickering, slander, libel and assaults on both sides, one party wins large sums in damages from the other party.
Both parties declare it a moral victory.

Ask snake if it ever thinks about god.
Attempt to convert snake to particular faith.
Dies of snake bite and declared a martyr and saint by the leader of their faith.

Construction Worker
Build pub, gut and stuff snake, mount over bar, name pub "The Snakepit".

Petrol Pump Attendants
Catch snake, introduce free snake with every full tank promotion.

Our-Company.Rec.Misc Subscribers' Typical Responses To Snake Jokes
(Being based on typical postings by named subscribers to that newsgroup)

PJ: No way, mang !!111!! Please check your facts about snakes before posting nonsense to this newsfroup !!11!
Justin (1): Careful of the snake jokes.... Please be aware that <company name> is partially owned by snakes.
Justin (2): Snake-Related Lyrics Quiz
Bickers: I have a snake here for you, Gill ;-)
Richard D: See Binaries for a picture of a rally car squashing a snake.
Mark R: Any snakes here this morning ?
Richard Pl: Callisto.
Darrin (1): Does the snake like cheese?
Darrin (2): Does the snake taste like cheese?
Darrin (3): Does the snake eat cheese?
Daniel: How do snakes pull?
Philip: The derivation of the word snake is actually quite interesting ….
Sarah: Sodexho Snake Sandwiches - Yuk!
Robin H: The person who was to become St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was born in Wales about AD 385. His given name was Maewyn, and he almost didn't get the job of bishop of Ireland because he lacked the required scholarship. Far from being a saint, until he was 16, he considered himself a pagan. At that age, he was sold into slavery by a group of Irish marauders that raided his village. During his captivity, he became closer to God. He escaped from slavery after six years and went to Gaul where he studied in the monastery under St. Germain, bishop of Auxerre for a period of 12 years. During his training he became aware that his calling was to convert the pagans to Christianity. His wishes were to return to Ireland, to convert the pagans that had overrun the country. But his superiors instead appointed St. Palladius. But two years later, Palladius transferred to Scotland. Patrick, having adopted that Christian name earlier, was then appointed as second bishop to Ireland. Patrick was quite successful at winning converts. And this fact upset the Celtic Druids. Patrick was arrested several times, but escaped each time. He traveled throughout Ireland, establishing monasteries across the country. He also set up schools and churches which would aid him in his conversion of the Irish country to Christianity. His mission in Ireland lasted for thirty years. After that time, Patrick retired to County Down. He died on March 17 in AD 461. That day has been commemorated as St. Patrick's Day ever since. Much Irish folklore surrounds St. Patrick's Day. Not much of it is actually substantiated. Some of this lore includes the belief that Patrick raised people from the dead. He also is said to have given a sermon from a hilltop that drove all the snakes from Ireland. Though originally a Catholic holy day, St. Patrick's Day has evolved into more of a secular holiday. One traditional icon of the day is the shamrock. And this stems from a more bona fide Irish tale that tells how Patrick used the three-leafed shamrock to explain the Trinity. He used it in his sermons to represent how the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit could all exist as separate elements of the same entity. His followers adopted the custom of wearing a shamrock on his feast day……………
An-D : I was discussing snakes of the Indian subcontinent last night with Wen-D over a bottle of Chateaux Neuf De Pape while we watched Tron for the 10th time....



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