IF MILITARY HARDWARE SALESMEN WERE LIKE DOUBLE GLAZING SALESMEN
S Hartwell

What would happen if defence companies sold their hardware the same way double glazing firms sell windows?

Fred Bloggs, defence minister of a foreign power contacts Weaponz-R-Us about buying some guided missiles for F16 fighters, and some battleground guidance thermal imager systems for his T52 tanks. Weaponz-R-Us send their top salesman to see Mr Bloggs and discuss the requirements. Mr Bloggs simply wants infra-red guided missiles for the fighter planes plus battleground thermal imagers as advertised in the July issue of "Tanks Today!" magazine. But the salesman, A Narzole, needs to discuss the customer's exact requirements … double glazing style!

"You're want enough guided missiles to fully equip all your F16s and thermal night sights for all your tanks? Before quoting a price I need to ask a few questions to see how you fit into our customer profile and whether your location qualifies you for our special discounts."

Military Hardware Sales Questionnaire

How many countries would you say you're at war with right now?

Do you expect to be at war with any more in the next three years?

Do you have any border skirmishes where people are likely to see the effectiveness of our weapons systems?

How many borders do you have: Guarded? Unguarded?

What about passing trade - do you have localised guerrilla conflicts where the weapons might be employed?

Any terrorist activities either now or expected?

Do you plan to be invaded at any time in the next three years?

What about invading someone else? We do preferential rates should you use our products when you extend your property.

Are your conflicts covered by local or international news agencies?
(We give a bigger discount if you have international coverage as this gives our products more exposure to the global market.)

Are you planning to extend your armed forces in the next few years? We do good rates for follow-on contracts.

What about internal stability - uprisings, military coups, overthrow or leader etc?
(Unfortunately these can affect the repayment instalment scheme.)

How would you describe your system of government?
Please check one item only, unless currently involved in civil war, uprising, overthrow of leader or transitional government.

__ Democracy (Democratically Elected Leader or Government)
__ Dictatorship (elected)
__ Dictatorship (seized power)
__ Dictatorship (benevolent or hereditary)
__ Traditional Monarchy (with power)
__ Traditional Monarchy (with absolute power)
__ Traditional Monarchy (with no power)
__ Reform Monarchy
__ Puppet Government
__ Puppet Monarch
__ Republic
__ Police State
__ Rule By Consensus (NB: only applies to smaller nations)
__ Rule by Council of Elders (NB: only applies to small nations)
__ Tyranny
__ Communist State
__ Coalition Government (Stable)
__ Coalition Government (Unstable)
__ Other (please specify) ______________________________________

Is the customer:

__ The same ethnic group as 'us'?
__ Different ethnic group to 'us'?
__ Declined to answer

Is your country or one of its wholly- or partly-rule or occupied states currently at war with any country or State currently supplied by Weapons-R-Us?
(Please see separate questionnaire for "Escalating Arms Race")

Does it intend to enter a war with any country or state currently supplied by Weapons-R-Us?
(Please see separate questionnaire for "Commencing Arms Race")

Is your country or one of its wholly- or partly-rule or occupied states currently at war with our country?
(This need not be a barrier to trade)

DRAGONQUEEN'S LAIR
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