BRITISH PARODY EARTHQUAKE / HURRICANE RELIEF APPEALS

Dudley, Manchester, Taunton, Market Rasen and other earthquake and hurricane appeal parodies. The following items are all parodies originally circulated by email, usenet and the blogosphere. The actual tremors were minor and there are no official relief appeals. This archive attempts to record the continuation and evolution of parody earthquake appeal e-lore derived from the Dudley Earthquake Appeal email of 2002. Since 2002 it has been recycled/adapted for other events, depicting other British regional stereotypes (and one Australian adaptation) and has become part of e-lore. After the Market Rasen tremor (Feb 2008) 4 variants were found to be in circulation within 18 hours of the event.

Scarborough Earthquake Appeal (Jan 2017)
Milton Keynes Earthquake Appeal (March 2011)
Roanoke (USA) Earthquake Appeal (May 2009)
Bromyard (Herefordshire) Earthquake Appeal (Oct 2008)
English Earthquake Appeal (March2008)
Market Rasen Earthquake Appeal 2 (Feb 2008)
Market Rasen/Grimsby Earthquake Appeal (Feb 2008)
North West England Earthquake Appeal (Feb 2008)
Lincolnshire Earthquake Appeal (Feb 2008)
Doncaster Earthquake Appeal (Feb 2008)
Folkestone Earthquake Appeal (May 2006)
Hurricane "Our Tracey" (Nov 2005)
Chesterfield Earthquake Appeal (Feb 2005)
Essex Hurricane (Shazza) Appeal (Oct 2004)
Salford Earthquake Appeal (June 2004)
Liverpool Earthquake Appeal (April 2004)
Burnley Earthquake Appeal (March 2004)
Taunton Earthquake Appeal (Feb 2004)
Basildon Earthquake Appeal (Sept 2003)
Canvey Island Appeal (Aug 2003)
Eastern Australia Quake Appeal (July 2003)
Sunderland Earthquake Appeal (Oct 2002)
Manchester Earthquake Appeal 3 (Oct 2002)
Manchester Earthquake Appeal 2 (Oct 2002)
Home Counties Earthquake Appeal (Oct 2002)
Manchester Earthquake Appeal 1 (Oct 2002)
Dudley Earthquake Appeal 2 (Oct 2002)
Dudley Earthquake Appeal 1 (Oct 2002)
Background Information/Glossary

SCARBOROUGH EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
Scarborough has been rocked by an earthquake which c caused £15.00 worth of damage and at least £1.2million in seafront improvements. The massive offshore quake, which registered 3.9 on the Richter scale, struck at 7 pm on 3rd January 2017pm, causing tea to spill from cups, chips to slide from plates and at least one overturned wheelie bin. Several seafront guest houses immediately received improved TripAdvisor reviews after damage to their kitchens meant they could no longer offer breakfasts.

Casualties have been seen wandering aimlessly along the seafront saying "by ‘eck" and “it’s the most exciting thing to happen in the area since that hotel fell over the cliff in ’93.” Retired librarian Mrs Ethel Winterbottom reported a tsunami wave, but later admitted it might have been a small wavelet that splashed her shoes as she was walking her dog too close to the tide-line. Sightseeing tours of the aftermath were cancelled after a Japanese tourist demanded his money back after reading on Wikipedia that Scarborough Castle had actually been demolished by shelling in 1914.

The British Red Cross has so far sent 14 crates of ginger beer, McCains oven chips and mushy peas to the area to help with the crisis and it needs your help to send more aid. If you give a Scarborough family a fish, chips and mushy peas they will eat for a day, but if you help buy them an old trawler from nearby Hull they can catch their own fish (especially when we get back control of our sovereign waters and scrap EU quotas.)

Visitors are reminded that the roadside debris is simply the result of rubbish collection day being one day later than usual due to the recent Bank Holiday.

MILTON KEYNES EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
An Earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale hit the new city of Milton Keynes on the morning of Wednesday 27th February. Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying "bang out of order" "mental" and "sorted". Some are still confused that something interesting actually happened in Newport Pagnell! Some residents of Fishermead were woken before their 'giros' arrived and it caused quite a panic! The earthquake decimated half of the Fullers Slade area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza, Corfu, Rhyl and Blackpool were damaged beyond repair including a cute little donkey that 'broke wind' when you clapped your hands. Preserved areas of historic importance were destroyed and many piles of scientifically significant litter were disturbed.

One resident of Netherfield, Miss Kylie Davies a 15 year old mother of four said "It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Destiny came running into my bedroom crying; my hands were shaking that much I could hardly concentrate on Jeremy Kyle".

The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of Red Bull to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found numerous "Elizabeth Duke" sovereign rings, benefit books and Poundstretcher ornaments.

How can you help?
This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are Lacoste tracksuits, white socks, Burberry caps, Beanie hats and Rockports. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain oven chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch, Hollands pies and Iceland pizza. Alcohol is also in short supply, especially White Lightening Cider and Special Brew. Cash donations are also needed:
22p buys a 'signing-on' biro, £2.50 buys a pie and chips, £20.00 buys a fake MOT and £16.00 buys 200 Regal ciggies from the back of Tomo's lorry. Your help is appreciated.

ROANOKE (USA) EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
In the quiet hours of the morning of May 16, 2009, an earthquake of the magnitude of 2.6 (later upgraded to a 3.0) rocked the Roanoke Valley causing damages estimated in the tens of dollars. Windows were rattled. Sleep was lost. At least one casserole was ruined. Just because nothing happened doesn't mean people shouldn't do something to help Roanoke survivors ....

BROMYARD (HEREFORDSHIRE) EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
A MAJOR EARTHQUAKE MEASURING 3.6 ON THE RICHTER SCALE, HIT ON THE AFTERNOON OF SUNDAY 26TH OCTOBER 2008 EPICENTERED ON BROMYARD, HEREFORDSHIRE

Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering "Fookinell" and composing folk songs about the disaster for next year's festival. The earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £35 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Weston-super-Mare were damaged. The rust on several scientifically interesting vintage tractors was disturbed and a migrant workers' shanty town collapsed in nearby Evesham. Many in the area were jolted from their seats during "Merlin", resulting in spillages of Bulmers, and were found confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something unrelated to folk music, performing arts or cider had happened in Bromyard.

One resident, Kylie-Marie Sutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Jordan-Shiraz came running into the room crying. My youngest two, Keira-Jade and Britney-Scarlett played on their Playstations right through it. I was still shaking during Cbeebies the next morning."

Apparently though, fruit and veg picking did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of "white" cider to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books, foreign passports and jewellery from Claire's Accessories.

* HOW YOU CAN HELP
This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in it. Clothing is most sought after. Items required include: fringed "folkie" jackets; smocks; steam engine driver caps; heavy twill trousers; CAT boots.
Food parcels may be harder to put together but necessary all the same. Required foodstuffs include: pork-and-apple bangers, steak-and-ale pies, kebabs, pizza, chips.
£2 buys kebab and chips and Strongbow for a family of four
£10 can take a family to Portishead for the day, where children can watch the rich people using the marina
22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim
Please do not send tents as the sight of posh housing will upset the migrant fruit and veg pickers.

ENGLISH EARTHQUAKE APPEAL (MARCH 2008)
An Earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale hit England on Wednesday morning. Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly around the country saying "sick" “it weren’t me” and “innit”. Some are still confused that something interesting actually happened in England! Though one couple, Derwain and Deerdre-Channelle said ‘the earth really moved for us!” Residents of Slough were woken before their 'giros' arrived and it caused quite a panic! The earthquake decimated half of the Solihull area causing in excess of £17.55p worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza, Corfu, Rhyl and Blackpool were damaged beyond repair including a snowing paper weight of the Tower, a fishing gnome on a mushroom and a cute little donkey in sombrero that 'broke wind' when you clapped your hands. Buildings of historic importance namely the Queen Vic, Red Lion and the Castle and Falcon were reduced to rubble, although Reuters report that no locals have noticed any difference. Nationwide many piles of scientifically significant litter were also disturbed.

One resident of Cleethorpes, Miss Kylie Bianca Davies a 15 year old mother of four said "It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Destiny came running into my bedroom crying; my hands were shaking that much that I spilt my bottle of WKD and I could hardly concentrate on Jeremy Kyle".

The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of Red Bull, 37 satellite dishes and 200 boxes of Mates into Worksop to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble in Folkestone and have found numerous "Elizabeth Duke at Argos" sovereign rings, benefit books and Poundstretcher gift vouchers.

How can you help? This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are Lacoste tracksuits, white socks, Burberry caps, Beanie hats and Rockports. Food parcels are also needed. They should include McCain oven chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch, Hollands pies and Iceland pizza. Beverages are also in short supply, especially White Lightening Cider and Special Brew.

Cash donations are also needed. 22p buys a 'signing-on' biro, £2.50 buys a pie and chips, £3.00 buys fish, chips and a bottle of blue liquid, £20.00 buys a fake MOT and £16.00 buys 200 Regal ciggies from the back of Tomo's lorry.

Your help is appreciated.
Protective Rescue Action Team

MARKET RASEN EARTHQUAKE APPEAL (2)

A major earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale, hit England on Wednesday 27 February 2008. The epicentre was Market Rasen, Lincs. Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering : "Eyup" and 'Give over'. The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Skegness and Cleethorpes were damaged. Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.

Many were woken well before their giro arrived. Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Market Rasen. One resident, Kylie-Marie Hebblewhite, a 15 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Scarlett-Johanna came running into my bedroom crying, but the twins Jayden-Preston and Britney-Keira slept right through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle this morning."

Apparently though, eel poaching and sheep rustling did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Minute Maid to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP
This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in it. Clothing is most sought after. Items required include flat caps, wax jackets and Timberland boots. Food parcels may be harder to put together but necessary all the same. Required foodstuffs include pork Pies, Tizer, tripe and onions, pigs blood pud and John Smith's Bitter

£2 buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four
£10 can take a family to Grimsby for the day, where children can play on an unspoiled dockyard among the national collection broken fishing nets
22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim

Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas of Brigg and Gainsborough.
THANK YOU IN ADVANCE

MARKET RASEN QUAKE RELIEF FUND (GRIMSBY EARTHQUAKE APPEAL, MARKET RASEN EARTHQUAKE APPEAL)

At 01:00 on Wednesday 27 February, Britain's worst quake for 25 years hit Market Rasen, Lincolnshire measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale and causing untold disruption and distress. The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from Cleethorpes were damaged beyond repair.

* Residents of Market Rasen and neighbouring Lincoln and Grimsby were woken well before their giros arrived
* Several priceless hedges were damaged
* Three areas of historically and scientifically significant litter were disturbed

Local radio stations reported thousands of people wandering confused and bewildered among the debris, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Lincolnshire.

One Lincoln resident, Ashleigh-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Chardonnay came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyson-Morgan and Aguilera-Amy slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha and Kilroy later that morning." Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 800 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including Benefit Books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from Poundland.

HOW YOU CAN HELP
This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in it. Clothing is most sought after. Items required include blankets for stricken racehorses at the Market Rasen track and baseball caps, hoodies and other clothing from TKMaxx.

£5 buys a fish dinner and blue pop for a family of four
£10 can take a family to Cleethorpes for the day
25p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim
£20 buys Grimsby Town FC

PLEASE ACT NOW!!!!
Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the rest! If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available at your local branches of Argos, Aldi and Clinton Cards. Please do not send tents for shelter, as Market Rasen racecourse will not allow camping.

The epicentre of this tremor was Market Rasen at 0058 on Wednesday 27th Feb 2008. The magnitude was originally given as 5.3, but later amended to 5.2. Cleethorpes is a nearby seaside town. Media reports of injury/damage included a man with a broken pelvis after bedroom ceiling collapse and a budgie falling off its perch. It was the 3rd most powerful tremor recorded in the UK since the 1930s and the most powerful in almost 25 years. This spoof appeal appeared at 7:30 a.m. on 27th Feb. Another one was circulated later the same day:

NORTH-WEST ENGLAND EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

A major earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale hit north west England in the early hours of Wednesday 27th February 2008. Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying "bang out of order", "mental" and "that did my head in". The earthquake decimated the area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza and Corfu were damaged beyond repair. Three preserved areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. The Evening Post reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered. They are still trying to come to terms with the fact that the damage and destruction was caused by something else instead of them.

One resident, Tracey Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of four said "it was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Leigh came running through the cardboard door into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Brooklyn and Kai-Keanu slept through it all. My hands were shaking so much I could hardly shoot up when I was watching Jeremy Kyle this morning. Another local resident known as 'Mally' said that the earthquake would not stop him going to work, after all, the joyridinging, burglaries and graffiti would not do themselves.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Dukes, Bone China from Poundstretcher and a number of Argos catalogues. However they were unable to save any furniture from Ikea.

How can you help? This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Most needed are Kappa or other tracksuits (his and hers), white socks to tuck the tracksuit bottoms into, Burberry caps, woolly 'Benny' hats and Reebok trainers. Primark clothing is most welcome. Food parcels are also needed. They should include McCains Micro-chips, Aldi beans,Monster Munch crisps, Nuttella chocolate spread and Iceland pizzas. Alcohol is also in short supply, mainly Lambrini, White Lightning cider and Carlsberg Special Brew.

Cash donations are also needed, 22p buys a Bic Biro for signing on purposes, £1.50 buys cheese and chips and £2.60 buys 200 Regal from 'Tommo' who has just got back from Kavos.

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, 'Langworthy' said the girl, 'wossit gotta do wiv you?'

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Salford/Manchester- oh, sod it...they won't be able to read it anyway.

DONCASTER EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

A major earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Wednesday 27th February 2008. Centred on Market Rasen, Lincolnshire, the earthquake decimated the nearby village of Doncaster, causing almost £30 worth of damage. News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by 85,000 racing pigeons, while television footage of the area obtained by the BBC showed victims wandering around aimlessly muttering "foookinell" and "choofinnorah".

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair, while three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived, while three commuters from Nottingham who got lost en-route to Sheffield were attacked by escaped Staffordshire Bull Terriers.

BBC Radio Sheffield reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Doncaster. One resident - Tracy Sharon Braithwaite, a 14-year-old mother of 3, said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Local news reports noted that normal day-to-day activities such as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as usual. Ivor Bung, leader of Doncaster Council said, "It is a credit to the people of Doncaster that they have not allowed this tragedy to break their spirit. We are delighted to see local people going on about their daily business, and once we receive another hand-out from the government it will be used to recompense Councillors for their additional stress during this difficult time."

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate people who were caught up in this disaster. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight donated by the local Netto store to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland. However, clothing is still urgently needed, specifically the following items:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Peacocks store

Food parcels are also urgently required. Ideal foodstuffs include Microwave meals, supernoodles, tins of baked beans, supermarket own-brand ice cream, cans of Special Brew and 3-litre bottles of white cider. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, £2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9, and £5.00 will pay for a packet of Richmond Superkings and a lighter to calm the nerves of 12-year-old schoolchildren at the nearby Ledger Specialist Arts and Media College (formerly Bessacar Comprehensive). Tins of whippet food are also urgently required, while lottery scratch cards (unused) are also welcome.

Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is considered unfair on the neighbouring settlement of Rotherham.

LINCOLNSHIRE EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

A major earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale hit Lincolnshire in the early hours today (27th Feb 2008). Its epicentre was in the Market Rasen area. Victims were seen meandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of historic tractors were damaged beyond repair and all three of the County's compoooooters went down.

Three areas of historic scarecrows were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their press gang Transit minibuses arrived. Lincs FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Lincolnshire. One strange effect of the earthquake was to startle thousands of toads into action - but most residents returned to their homes within minutes.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle later in the morning." Another resident said, "I was in bed with my five daughters and their granny as usual and when I felt the vibrations I nudged mum in the back and said 'Has that disturbed the ducks, Duck?'

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still sifting through rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), ladies' shell suits, white sport socks, wellington Boots & Barbour jackets, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same, especially microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream, cans of Tennents or Spesh.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms and their giros.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Breaking news
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked "Scunthorpe - wossit gotta do wiv you?" (And who put the c**t in Scunthorpe anyway?)

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Spalding/Boston area - oh, sod it... they won't be able to read it anyway.

FOLKESTONE/DOVER EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
Received 2nd May 2007 and also on usenet. The epicentre was offshore rather than under Folkestone. By now, the earthquake appeal is almost obligatory and there are minimal attempts to update it beyond the location, intensity and radio station.

An earthquake measuring 4.7 on the Richter scale hit Folkestone and Dover in the early hours of Saturday. Its epicentre was in Folkestone. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Invicta FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Folkestone. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

***Invicta FM Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Aylesham" said the girl, "wossit gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Folkestone/ Dover - oh, sod it... they won't be able to read it anyway.

 

HURRICANE "OUR TRACEY" APPEAL
This revamp of the earthquake appeal parody was received 4th November 2005 following gales and flooding in parts of Britain.

As many of you know, Hurricane "Our Tracey" hit Fleetwood recently. Victims were noticed wandering around aimlessly with only Diamond White for comfort. The hurricane decimated the area, causing over £35 of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken before their Giros arrived.

Cod FM reported many residents were bewildered & confused that something interesting had happened in Fleetwood. One resident, Tracey Scutt, a 15 year old mother of 5 said - "Jesus! It was a well big shock - me little Chardonnay Britney come into the bedroom crying, but me youngest 2, Tyson Holyfield & Smirnoff Aguilera both slept through it, do ya know waddamean. I was still shakin' this morning and couldn't concentrate on me Trisha this morning, ya know waddamean dontcha?" Apparently though, lootings, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has managed to ship in 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including Benefit Books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unlucky enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Louis Vuitton/Burberry baseball caps; Kappa tracksuits (his or hers); Shell suits (female); white sports socks; Rockport boots.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Essential foodstuffs include: microwave meals; tins of baked beans; ice cream (all flavours); cans of Colt 45 or Carlsberg Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms, chips, crisps, and Blue fizzy drink for a typical family of 9.
£5 will pay for a packet of Mayfairs and a lighter to calm the nerves of the most affected.

BREAKING NEWS
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in Raspberry alcopop. When asked "where are you bleeding from" she replied "Bleedin' Chatty Avenue what's that got to do wiv it".

CHESTERFIELD EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
(Circulated Feb 2005 though there was no tremor at the time; Chesterfield did feel the Market Rasen 5.2 tremor in Feb 2008.)

A major earthquake measuring 5.9 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Thursday morning. Epicentre: Chesterfield, Derbyshire, England. News of the disaster was swiftly carried around the UK by 85,000 racing pigeons. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering"flippineck" and "choofinnoorah". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived. Radio Leeds reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Chesterfield. One resident, Tracey Sharon Braithwaite, a 15yr old mother of seven said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Madonna came running to my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyley Morgan and Britney Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha next morning."

Apparently though, looting and crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for anyone unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps; Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers); Shell suits (female); White sports socks; Rockport or CAT boots. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals; tins of baked beans; ice cream; Cans of colt 45 or special brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms;
£2.00 buys fish & chips and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine;
£5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Urgently required is tinned whippet food.
Please do not send tents as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population in area.

ESSEX HURRICANE SHAZZA APPEAL
Received 7th October 2004, a new variation of the Earthquake Appeal parodies. There have been strong winds in the area, but no hurricanes. Hurricanes should be measured using the Beaufort Scale and they have an eye, not an epicentre.

A major Hurricane (Shazza) measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Monday. Epicentre: Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackin ell" . The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps; Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers); Shell suits (female); White sport socks; Rockport boots; Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals; Tins of baked beans; Ice cream; Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

** 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
** £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
** £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'where are you bleeding from?' they asked.
"ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that got to do wiv it?"

SALFORD EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
(Received June 2004 with no additional information; no earthquake, but makes fun of regional stereotypes)

An earthquake measuring 5.7 on the Richter scale hit Salford last Wednesday morning. The epicentre was in Ordsall. Casualties were seen wandering the streets saying 'bang out of order', 'mental' and 'sorted'. The earthquake decimated the area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza and Corfu were damaged beyond repair.

Three preserved areas of historic importance where cars were taken to be burned out were destroyed, many locals were woken before their giros arrived. One resident Kylie Sharron Smith a 15 year old mother of 4 said 'it was such a bloody shock, my little Chardonny Courtney-Destiny came running into my bedroom crying, my hands were shaking that much I could hardly skin up'

The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 400 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found numerous Elizabeth Duke sovereign rings, benefit books and Poundstretcher ornaments.

HOW YOU CAN HELP
This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are Lacoste tracksuits, white socks, burberry caps, beanie hats and Reebok trainers. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain oven chips, Aldi beans, monster munch, and Iceland pizzas, Alcohol is also needed especially White Lightening Cider and special brew.

Cash donations are also needed. 22p buys a signing-on pen, £2.50 buys a jumbo sausage dinner, £20.00 buys a fake MOT, and £16.00 buys 200 Regal off the back of Tommo's lorry, your help is appreciated.

LIVERPOOL ECHO EARTHQUAKE DISASTER APPEAL
(Received April 2004 with the covering note "It's about time Liverpool got some recognition with this quake parody thing". There was no actual quake in the Liverpool area, again it was purely to poke fun at regional stereotypes.)

As you are probably aware, a massive earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale struck Liverpool in the early hours of Thursday morning, waking locals several hours before their Giros arrived. At the epicentre in Kensington, victims were seen roaming around more aimlessly than usual, shocked and confused. Eye witness reports say that the cries of "Ar ay, carm down" and "Dey do do dat doh dont dey" were pitiful to hear. The quake decimated the entire area, causing around 30 quid's worth of damage. Several priceless collections of ashtrays from Ibiza and Tenerife are beyond repair. Three historic areas of burnt out-cars, some seven years old, were disturbed. Even days later, hundreds of people in the Birkenhead area are still confused, bewildered and unable to come to terms with the loss of William Hills.

One resident, Miss Tracy Smith, 15 year old mother of six, said "It was a terrible shock to my little Chardonnay Mercedes. She came into my room crying and put me and my Winston right off our stroke. Luckily, my youngest two, Tyler Morgan and Brooklyn Romeo Rainbow slept right through it all. I was still shaking whilst watching Kilroy the next day."

Initially, the amount of looting, mugging and car crime caused deep concerns for police, but fears of a long term reduction proved to be unfounded as shaken scallies regained their confidence and once more returned to the streets. The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of lager into the area to help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have managed to recover large amounts of personal belongings, including benefit books, Lizzy Duke jewellery, finest bone China from Mad Harry's, and countless copies of "Ferry Across The Mersey" by Gerry and the Pacemakers.

HOW CAN I HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothes parcels for those caught in the disaster. Clothing is in short supply - Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), 3/4 length Adidas trackie bottoms, white socks, Rockport boots and anything from the Donnay shop is desperately needed. Food parcels must take into consideration local tastes and should include Micro Meals, Noodles (both Super and Pot), Baked Beanz, Ginster’s pasties and peanuts for the kiddies. Special Brew, Thunderbird and White Lightning would also be gratefully received.

* 22p buys a biro to help fill in a compo form
* £2.00 buys chips, curry and blue pop for a family of nine
* £5.00 buys 20 B&H and a box of Swan Vestas to calm the nerves of a grieving 10 year old.

Please don't send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh accommodation is unfair on the residents of Toxteth, Hale and Riverside. Thank you for your help.

BURNLEY EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
(Received March 2004 with the covering note: this whole earthquake appeal parody is getting out of hand. It probably started off as the Sodom & Gomorrah Earthquake Appeal requesting donations of 5 shekels to buy water to be turned into wine, and 3 loaves and 5 fishes to feed a tribe of 5000. There was no earthquake in Burnley and it was intended to poke fun at regional stereotypes.)

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit in the early hours of Saturday, 28th February, 2004. Epicentre - Burnley, England. News of the disaster was swiftly carried by 85,000 racing pigeons. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering, "blummin eck" and "chuffin nora". The earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from Majorca were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt-out cars were disturbed and many locals were woken well before their giro arrived. Radio Burnley reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered by the fact that something interesting had happened in the town.

One resident, Tracey-Sharon Braithwaite, a 15 year old mother of three said, "It was such a shock; my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying, although my youngest two, Tyler-Brooklyn and Megan-Kylie slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning". However, on the positive side, mugging and car crime were carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight into the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings (which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from Poundland).

How Can You Help?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after and those items needed most include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps; Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers); shell suits (female); white sport socks; Rockport boots and any item usually sold at Primark; anything by Donnay; flat caps for the older generation.

Food parcels to accommodate the special dietary requirements may be harder to assemble but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Tins of Lidl baked beans and spaghetti hoops; Microwave meals; Asda Smartprice ice cream; black pudding; cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew

- Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation form
- £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
- £5 will pay for a packet of Benson & Hedges and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected
- Tinned whippet food is urgently needed!

Please do not send tents for shelter as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas.

TAUNTON EARTHQUAKE RELIEF APPEAL
Received 1st February 2004. This Somerset version required a makeover because Somerset is a rural county; it got the magnitude right, but some versions got the date wrong. The Somerset area had 4 small tremors, two around 10:55 and two around 20:25. Predictably the "appeal" concentrated on West Country favourites such as cider and pasties (no clotted cream?). Some of the versions in circulation incorrectly gave the date as the 23rd or 26th January 2004, presumably from recycling the Dudley version.

At 10:56 am on Thursday 29 January an earthquake measuring 3 on the Richter scale hit Taunton, Somerset, UK causing untold disruption and distress and mild worrying of livestock -

* Many were woken well before their giro arrived
* Several priceless collections of mementoes from Sidmouth and Dawlish were damaged
* Several sheep were mildly worried
* Dozens are wandering round going "oo-arrr", trying to come to terms with the fact that something exciting has happened in Somerset
* Not wishing to miss out on the nearest thing to a real story, the local paper rushed out an 8-page "Earthquake Special".

One resident, Rosie-Anne Weston, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Chardonnay came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Brooklyn and Jordan slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently though, walking round going "oo-arr" did carry on as normal.

The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Cider and Squab Pies to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and half-eaten oggies.

HOW YOU CAN HELP
* £2 buys scrumpy and Priddy Oggies for a family of four
* £10 can take a family to Minehead for the day, where children can play among the unspoiled discharge
* 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim

PLEASE ACT NOW
Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the rest! If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available at your local branches of Argos, Iceland and Clinton Cards.

BASILDON EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
Received September, 2003. There are several regional variants relating to areas unaffected by earthquakes. These are vehicles for jokes at the expense of the named area and regional stereotypes. The "Basildon" variant, and the Canvey variant below it, relates to the Essex A127 corridor area (from Romford to Southend-on-Sea) which does indeed have a high number of wrecked and burnt out cars.

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Wednesday 23rd July 2003. Epicentre: Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fackin 'ell" and "whattacant" The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30.00 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics, Spanish Costas and Romford market were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.

Essex FM News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came runnin' into my bedroom cryin'. My younges' two, Ashley 'n' Brooklyn, slep' froo it all. I was still shakin' when I was watchin' Kilroy the next mornin'." Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. Rescue workers found one girl in the rubble smothered in claret [slang for blood]; "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked her. "Bleedin' Romford," said the girl "woss that gotta do with it?"

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of Colt45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms,
£2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9,
£5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter,as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas of Vange, Pitsea and Laindon.

CANVEY ISLAND APPEAL
Variant of Basildon Appeal and involving the same Essex regional stereotypes

A major earthquake hit Essex in the early hours of August 24th 2003. The epicentre was Canvey. Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying "bang out of order", "mental" and "that did my head in". The earthquake decimated the area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza and Corfu were damaged beyond repair. Three preserved areas of historic burned out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken before their giros arrived. The local paper reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered. They are still trying to come to terms with the fact that the damage was caused by something else instead of them.

One resident, Tracey Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of four said "It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Leigh came running through the cardboard door into my bedroom crying. My hands were shaking so much that I could hardly skin up when I was watching Trisha the next morning". Another local resident known as Macca said the earthquake would not stop him going to work, after all, the Burglaries and Graffiti would not do themselves.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers were still searching through rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Dukes, bone china from Poundstretcher and a number of Argos catalogues. However they were unable to save any furniture from Crazy George's.

HOW CAN YOU HELP
This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Most needed are Kappa or other tracksuits (his and hers), white socks to tuck the tracksuit bottoms into, Burberry caps, woolly Benny hats and Reebok trainers. Primark clothing is most welcome. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCains Micro-Chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch, Nutella chocolate spread and Iceland pizzas. Alcohol is also in short supply, mainly Lambrini, White Lightning cider and Carlsberg Special Brew.

Cash donations are also needed, 22p buys a Bic Biro for signing on purposes, £1.50 buys cheese & chips and £26 buys 200 Regal from Tommo who has just got back from Kavos.

EASTERN AUSTRALIAN EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
Received July 18th, 2003. Just to prove that you can't keep a good (or old) joke down, one of my Aussie colleagues forwarded this version to me in July 2003. It's the same basic email with just a few changes to cultural references. He supplies this info for non-Australian readers: "The Dalton-Gunning Zone, 60 km north of Canberra is one of the highest hazard earthquake areas in eastern Australia (quakes exceeding 5.5 happened in 1886, 1934 and 1949 and numerous smaller tremors). These tremors can be felt in Queanbeyan a few km from central Canberra."

At 06:54 on Wednesday 18th June , an earthquake measuring 4.8 on the Richer scale hit Queanbeyan, New South Wales, causing untold disruption and distress. Many were woken well before their dole cheques arrived, and several priceless collections of mementos from the Jim Beam range and the Harley Davidson T-Shirt Show were damaged. Three acres of historic and scientifically significant garbage were disturbed. Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Queanbeyan.

One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said, "It was such a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Days of our Lives the next morning." Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.

The Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Victoria Bitter and Winfield Blue to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including dole forms and vast quantities of jewellery from Cheap As Chips.

HOW YOU CAN HELP
$10.00 buys hot chips, Lollies and Coke for a family of four.
$20.00 will buy beer & smokes for the whole family and assist in getting the garbage back to where it belongs so the children can play on it and among the national collection of stinging nettles.
50 cents buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.

PLEASE ACT NOW Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the rest! If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available at your local branches of any Smoke Mart, Tattoo Parlour or TAB.

URGENT SUNDERLAND EARTHQUAKE APPEAL FUND 3
Again from October 2002. Almost identical to Dudley version, but does not ask for donations of clothing or food.

At 00:54 on Thursday 10th October an earthquake measuring 4.8 on the Richter scale hit Sunderland, UK causing untold disruption and distress - many were woken well before their giro arrived. Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged. Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed. Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Sunderland.

One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos. HOW YOU CAN HELP

4 £2 buys chips, batter scraps and blue pop for a family of four
4 £10 can take a family to Seaham for the day, where children can play on an unspoiled slagheap among the national collection of stinging nettles
4 22p buys a biro for filling in spurious compensation claims

PLEASE ACT NOW

* Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the rest! * If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available at your local branches of Argos, Iceland and Clinton Cards.

MANCHESTER EARTHQUAKE APPEAL FUND 3
Received 24th October 2002. Later versions of Manchester variants said "epicentre believed to be under Miles Platting".

At 08:50 on Monday 21 October an earthquake measuring 3.2 on the Richter scale hit Manchester, UK causing untold disruption and distress

* Many were woken well before their giros arrived
* Several priceless cobbled streets were damaged
* Three areas of historically and scientifically significan't (sic) litter were disturbed
* Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Manchester.

One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Chantal-Britney came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha and Kilroy later that morning." Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 800 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken masses.

HOW YOU CAN HELP
£2 buys chips, gravy and mushy peas and blue pop for a family of four
£10 can take a family to Stockport for the day, where children can play on an unspoiled canal bank among the national collection of shopping trolleys
22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim
£20 buys MCFC [Manchester City Football Club]

PLEASE ACT NOW!!!!
Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the rest!
If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available at your local branches of Argos, Aldi and Clinton Cards

MANCHESTER EARTHQUAKE APPEAL FUND 2
Received 23rd October 2002. By Weds 23rd Oct, Manchester had suffered 19 earth tremors in 3 days. The first tremor (Monday 8:45) measured 3.2 on the Richter scale. The main shock (Monday 12.42pm) measured 3.9 with a 3.4 aftershock moments later. Eleven tremors measured over 2.0 on the Richter scale. The epicentre is Manchester city centre. The tremors have been felt as far away as north Cheshire, Rochdale and Warrington. All of which is rather exciting in a country which apparently averages 10 tremors per year. The British Geological Society reported that the earthquake was releasing its energy gradually over a period of time rather than in one larger quake. Fortunately for those affected, but unfortunately for news agencies, this means that damage is minimal. Some have been reduced to reporting cracked doorsteps, a smashed bottle and fallen roof tiles - all of which may or may not have been caused by the tremor! (This is reflected in the Manchester parody where the personal injury is a child tripping up).

A major earthquake measuring 3.9 on the richter scale, hit on Monday 21 October 2002. It epicentered on Beswick, Manchester. Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering : "Sorted", 'Top' and 'Arr Kid' . The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish costas were damaged. Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed. Many were woken well before their giro arrived. Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Manchester.

One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha this morning." Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.

The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

* HOW YOU CAN HELP
This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in it. Clothing is most sought after. Items required include: Baseball caps; Fila Jackets; Heavy Twill Trousers (Male); Shell Suits (Female); Boots; Man. Utd. Shirts.

Food parcels may be harder to put together but necessary all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Hollands Pies; Black Peas; Tripe and Onions; "Pigs Blood Pud"; Boddys Bitter; Chips & Gravy

- £2 buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four
- £10 can take a family to Salford for the day, where children can play on an unspoiled canal bank among the national collection of stinging nettles.
- 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim

Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of "posh" housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas of Newton Heath and Moss Side.

HOME COUNTIES EARTHQUAKE APPEAL FUND
Received 23rd October 2002

In the last 2 months, the Northern areas of Dudley and Manchester have suffered earthquakes of up to 4.8 on the Richter scale. These caused a cracked doorstep in Gorton and a bottle fell off a table in Manchester. Unmarried teenage mothers-of-three were still shaking during morning TV and improbably named children may or may not have been woken up by the tremors.

Appeal funds have helped affected families with emergency supplies of Sunny Delight, chips-and-gravy, blue fizzy drinks and ballpoint pens and taken families to canals and beaches on nettle or needle spotting day trips. Stuffed toy donkeys in sombreros, figures made from seashells, and strangely shaped bottles of luridly coloured undrinkable liqueurs are being shipped over from Spanish beach resorts to replace damaged holiday souvenirs.

But now the Home Counties want one too! It is not the fault of the affluent South that the Home Counties have not suffered any earth tremors. Therefore Wednesday 20th November has been declared "Home Counties Earthquake Day". On this day, families will be woken at 2:50am by their au-pairs shaking their beds and rattling crockery to simulate the actual tremor. Copies of Hello, The Daily Telegraph and a jar of Duchy Originals Preserve will be strewn on the kitchen floor to simulate damage. Local rail services will be disrupted by "the wrong type of earth tremor" and thousands of brave Southerners will phone in sick.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

* £2 buys a jar of Duchy Originals preserve to fall from the kitchen table
* £10 can pay for the au-pair's efforts
* £15 buys a Schaeffer ballpoint pen in presentation case for filling in a spurious compensation claim from tripping over a dropped copy of Hello magazine

PLEASE ACT NOW
Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the rest! If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available at your local branches of Waitrose or Coutts bank.

Help us to send an Earthquake to the Home Counties

MANCHESTER EARTHQUAKE APPEAL FUND 1
Received 21st October 2002. There are various versions of the Manchester Appeal which have made some attempt at local detail, referring variously to "something interesting happened in Beswick" and/or "canal in Eccles" or "canal in Bradford", but are otherwise identical to the Dudley Earthquake version. Only the later ones gave a correct time and magnitude for the quake. Fortunately for those affected, but unfortunately for news agencies, damage was minimal - some resorted to reporting cracked doorsteps, a smashed bottle and fallen roof tiles - all of which may or may not have been caused by the tremor! (This is reflected in the Manchester parody where the personal injury is a child tripping up). This first Manchester variant was simply a revamped version of a parody appeal letter which had appeared almost a month earlier during the Dudley earthquake. In its turn, the Manchester version was later recycled for Dudley!

At 08:45 and 12:42 on Monday 21 October, a series of three earthquakes measuring 2.5, 3.9 and 3.4 on the Richter scale hit Greater Manchester, England. They were felt as far away as Rochdale and Stockport, and caused untold disruption and misery and cracked a doorstep in Gorton.

* Many were thrown into panic as they made their way to sign on
* Several priceless collections of mementoes from Ibiza were damaged
* Three acres of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed
* Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that there had been an uncracked doorstep in Gorton

One resident, Kylie Butler, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Ariel tripped over and scraped her knee. My youngest two, Brooklyn and Darrell slept through it in their pushchair. I was still shaking when I reached the head of the social security queue." Apparently looting and vandalism have carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP
* £2 buys chips and gravy for a family of four
* £10 can take a family to Blackpool for the day, where children can play among the discarded needles and used condoms
* 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim

PLEASE ACT NOW
Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the rest!
If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available at your local branches of Argos, Iceland and Lidl.

DUDLEY EARTHQUAKE APPEAL 2
Collected 17th October, 2002

A MAJOR EARTHQUAKE MEASURING 4.8 ON THE RICHTER SCALE, HIT IN THE EARLY HOURS OF MONDAY 23RD SEPTEMBER 2002 EPICENTERED ON DUDLEY, WEST MIDLANDS

Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering : "Yam Orwight?", "Boing Boing" and "Bostin". The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish costas were damaged. Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed Many were woken well before their giro arrived. Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Dudley

One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

* HOW YOU CAN HELP
This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in it. Clothing is most sought after. Items required include: Flat caps; Donkey Jackets; Heavy Twill Trousers (Male); Shell Suits (Female); Boots.

Food parcels may be harder to put together but necessary all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Faggots; Grey Peas; Pork Scratchings;
Tripe and Onions; "Pigs Blood Pud"; Banks's Bitter or Mild

£2 buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four
£10 can take a family to Stourport for the day, where children can play on an unspoiled canal bank among the national collection of stinging nettles
22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim

Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of "posh" housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas of Gornal, Oldbury and Sedgley.

DUDLEY EARTHQUAKE RELIEF APPEAL 1
Received 2nd October 2002. The original parody was the Dudley Earthquake Appeal (which was not generally appreciated in the affected area or by local authorites). It commented on the teenage pregnancy rate (17 year old with 3 kids and no mention of their father), urban decay (litter, looting, nettles - common on derelict areas), unemployment/benefit dependency, cheap holidays (Spanish Costas) and insurance fraud. The tremor was felt over a wide area and caused minor damage to buildings. The details of the time and magnitude were correct. There are minor variations on the Dudley version. Some refer to "Balearics and Spanish Costas" others refer to "Spanish Costas" alone. Alongside the Dudley version was a "Sheffield Earthquake Appeal", the only differences being the substitution of "Sheffield" for "Dudley" and the line "Apparently though, Drinking did carry on as normal."

At 00:54 on Monday 23 September an earthquake measuring 4.8 on the Richter scale hit Dudley, UK causing untold disruption and distress -

* Many were woken well before their giro arrived
* Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged
* Three acres of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed
* Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Dudley

One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP
* £2 buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four
* £10 can take a family to Stourport for the day, where children can play on an unspoiled canal bank among the national collection of stinging nettles
* 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim

PLEASE ACT NOW
Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the rest!

If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available at your local branches of Argos, Iceland and Clinton Cards.

Please note that the above items are parodies which have circulated by email, the actual tremors were minor and there are no official relief appeals.

GLOSSARY & BACKGROUND INFORMATION

tolen shopping trolleys are dumped beside or in waterways vthroughout the UK. Manchester City FC is Manchester's less famous football team. Mushy peas and chip-mix (pie, chips, optional mushy peas plus gravy) are largely Northern delicacies and not readily available in chip-shops in the south. Black pudding and tripe are also considered "northern". For the Somerset version: Squab Pies are, despite their name, lamb pies. Oggies is the generic term for Cornish-style pasties in the West Country. Somerset is known for its cider and scrumpy (strong farmhouse cider) and its inhabitants are often the butt of "yokel" jokes. "Compooters" suggests slow, rural or backwards folks.

Netto, Aldi and Lidl are supermarkets selling obscure European brands far cheaper than big name brands. Iceland is a frozen foods store famed for year-round discount offers. Argos is a catalogue shopping store i.e. choose item from catalogue rather than from shelves, pay at till then pick it up from a collection point. Elizabeth Duke is a store within Argos, selling cheap jewellery. Poundland sells cheap housewares. Clinton Cards sells greeting cards and party items. These stores offer good value for those with less money to spare or who are simply canny with their money. On the other hand, Waitrose is considered a "posh" supermarket and Ikea considered an upmarket furniture and homewares store. Most other stores referred to are regional variations on these.

(These items have been collected as a body of urban folklore and do not necessarily reflect my own views.)

DRAGONQUEEN'S LAIR

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