THE RETURN OF THE CHEDDAR
1984 or 1985, S Hartwell
I don't even remember writing this! Well yes I do, unfortunately. I wrote it during typing lessons at Chelmsford College of Higher Education. I convinced the typing teacher that it was good typing practice and sent it to a friend who was in hospital at the time.
A not-so epic tale about the return of 7 tonnes of British Cheese to Sainsbury which referenced just about every SF show popular at the time.
Starring (among others)
Luke Warmwater the man who has incestuous intentions about his sister the Princess Liar Orgasma.
Bathwader who unknown to the characters is the father of Luke and Liar and is trying to murder his own children.
Hands So-Low and his best(ial) friend Chew Tobacco (a Nookie) who run a spaceship ‘The Century Sparrow (Due to cutbacks ‘The Millenium Falcon’ was converted into a nuclear fallout bunker)
And featuring the voice of Bent Cadoobrie and a guest appearance by Captain James T Kirtains of the Starship Emphasise. Also Avon (an intergalactic make-up rep) from the firm Breaks Even.
The moon, 7 tonnes of hard British cheese owned by Sainsbury and supporting the cheese research team Loonbase Alpha is drawn out of orbit by a mysterious force and the crew of the Starship Emphasise are sent to investigate this strange phenomenon. Touring the solar system at that precise moment in time is Avon, a man with a mission - to demonstrate his case of revolutionary cosmetics. Seeing the Starship Emphasise he teleports in with a cheery "Ding Dong Avon calling".
Captain Kirtains rushes to the teleport room where Avon has materialised and, knowing that his crew are fast running out of lipstick, welcomes the intrepid salesman.
"On behalf of the Federation I welcome you aboard the USS Emphasise" he says.
Avon’s cheery smile is suddenly transformed into a look of hatred. Then smiling sardonically he snarls, "You are from the Federation?" while his agile mind is working overtime on the fact that this could be curtains for Kirtains.
Captain Kirtains, oblivious of the potential danger smiles warmly enough to melt the coldest stare, "Yes" he replies, "and on behalf of the Galactic Fed-uurgh ..." he ends abruptly as Avon shoots him down with a bottle of Pretty Peach.
Making no attempt to hide the body of the evil Federation swine he has just eliminated in the cause of liberty, Avon has more serious matters on his mind and sets off in search of the powder room to fix his lipstick, which has run under the stress of the past few moments.
Meanwhile, in another sector of space, Luke Warmwater takes a break from trying to commit patricide and decides to order a pizza from The Parlour Galactica. But, while he is looking for a slice of the action he is disturbed by Leyland Imperfect and Sayfood Beetlebox who are making off, and possibly making out, with Princess Liar in the Century Sparrow which they have pinched while Hands So-Low and Chew Tobacco are occupied in the bunker. Avon sees the theft and gives chase in his Cosm(et)ic Starfighter because he fancies one of Sayfood’s heads.
On the Starship Emphasise Oh-Yoo-Hoo the radio operator, fed up with Doctor Spock writing his book on Child and Baby Care, hitches a lift with Leyland Imperfect. ET phones up Sainsbury’s delicatessen (star of ‘Closed Cheese Counters of the Absurd Kind') only to find that they’re fresh out of cheese as the latest consignment has not arrived from Loonbase Alpha. They call in Yuk Rogers and his faithful robot Twitti.
Far out in space (take the first left after Proxima Centauri) is Galactica Enterprises Ltd, a well frequented stall selling Intergalactic Rarebit (cheese on toast) and Yuk Rogers soon realises that the return of the Cheddar to Sainsbury is no longer feasible, or even cheesible, but it no longer really matters since the Cling-ons have conquered Cheddar Gorge and there is no longer such a thing as real British Cheddar. Pink Floyd realise that there is no longer any chance of seeing the dark side of the moon, let alone anyone on the dark side of the moon, since it’s been eaten by a load of degenerate space hippies. Not that it mattered that there ever was a moon as the area has had to be cleared to make way for an intergalactic bus-route who now employ Yuk Rogers as driver.
The theft of the moon is seen as an underhand ploy to hurry planning permission through for the route and Hands So-Low (whose knuckles scrape the floor, hence name) blows up the depot which is actually Sainsbury’s Proxima Centauri Warehouse where a new moon was being built, this time out of Emmental because it already has holes in and will save digging mineshafts. Understandably, the mice are a bit cross about all this. The Cheddar is never returned.