THE ANTI-BIKE - THE RIEDEN BICYCLE HUMOR ARCHIVE

One of the messibeast.misc crew is renowned for his rants against cyclists. "The Anti-Bike" Archive is dedicated to P D Rieden's anti-bike rants.

RE "CYCLING" ROADKILL

PDR: Round here, the council collects dead animals from highways, disposed of by incineration ... just like those of cyclists except that in the case of cyclists the law doesn't explicitly require the council to verify death before sending it to the recycling plant.

A N Other: Would this refer to being physically dead, or mentally? Also, why would you want to REcycle them? I though you disapproved of them cycling once, let alone repeatedly?

PDR'S VIEWS ON THE TOUR DE FRANCE 2003

Sarah: PDR, would you care to opine on this year's fascinating Tour de France, that celebration of top class cycling, man in harmony with bicycle over a variety of terrains?
Mark M: Lance Armstrong wasn't exactly in harmony with his bike at the last stage (although he still won).
Sarah: The bike was scared by a flapping yellow bag, shied and threw him. After reassuring the bike that all was well, he remounted and continued. Those racing bikes are highly strung you know.
PDR: Regrettably the Harrier force was too busy with other commitments to take advantage of such a target-rich environment. Take the remainder as read.
Paul: And to think I thought the incident where the leaders had a bit of a mishap with a spectator was you sticking your leg out as they went past.
Alastair: It was his butler, you don't think he would risk injury himself do you?
Colin: It was the Valet. The Butler was pouring the chilled Chablis at the time.
Keith M: Good Gracious! Was the Sommelier on holiday or something? Outrageous
PDR: The Sommelier had been called away to resolve a problem with the bottle-opener (I gather she'd crashed her car).

HUNTING WITH CARS? SHOULD IT BE BANNED? DEBATE

Rubbish. Hunting with cars is by far the most efficient way to control the fox population. It is a traditional British pastime where a number of drivers, along with their pack of Hell's Angels on motorbikes, honourably hunt down the fox and dispatch it quickly and cleanly. Absolutely no pride or bloodthirsty satisfaction is gained from seeing the fox torn to pieces as 50 Harley Davidson's donut across the fox, tearing it to pieces - a method of dispatch which is both quick and merciful. It is not simply a case of a bunch of idiots in their bright red Fiestas sounding their hunting horns (traditionally of the "Dukes of Hazzard" style, though nowadays more commonly reduced to a single tone) tearing after an allegedly innocent animal.

Banning this sport would not only destroy a valuable part of our heritage, but would inevitably lead to the demise of the motor industry in this country. In addition, this traditional British custom (which has been in place in this country since the time of King Elvis) can also be applied to other pests, such as cyclists.....

One should never venture forth in such areas without a decent shotgun, a rifle and some claymores. These cyclists are a known menace and are best dealt with BEFORE they cause harm - the law allows for shooting on site at ranges up to two miles, immolation at close range with either shotgun or claymore mine or booby-trapping their poncy 4*4 pimp-mobile. If you feel so inclined you may also conduct a citizen's arrest, trial and execution, but you risk legal action by the parents of any children who may be inadvertant witnesses to the performance of sentence - apparently some city-kids get upset at the sight of ritual disembowelment of dumb animals.

FROM THE WORDS OF NOSTRACYCLIST

"All the Grifters are not gold"
(Nostracyclist).

This is a reference to words spoken by the goddess Silik-Own-Titti who appeared to the Phonecians [sic]. A clear reference to a 1970 bicycle from Britain that predated the BMX but paved the way for BMX bikes. This clearly shows that Silik was behind the bicycle industry and the diabolical plans for bicycle world domination.

The word is spreading. The movement is growing stronger. Rise up, brothers and sisters - Cyclenacht will soon be upon us. Clasp the new cyclegeist.

THE DESCENT OF CAR

According to the Book of Genecyclis, the natural successor to the horse is the car, not the bicycle. This is obvious. The car, like the horse, provides its own propulsion system. The horse has 4 legs, the car has 4 wheels; apart from a few evolutionary dead end mutants with only 3 wheels, a sure sign of the dangers of interbreeding with bikes. Even the name shows a direct line of descent: "car" comes from "horse-less carriage"

The bike, on the other hand, is the invention of a warped mind and possibly the work of the devil, designed to lead road-users astray from the road of good. For the sake of genetic purity, it is our duty to eliminate the taint of cyclists from the gene pool. Cyclists should be regarded as evolutionary dead ends; a failed evolutionary experiment, diseased side-branches to be pruned from the human evolutionary tree ....

18-speed bikes don't even try to hide the fact that they are the work of the devil. 666, the number of the beast, is plainly evident: there are 3 front cogs and 6 back cogs. Three sixes - 666. Some people no longer try to hide the demonic link - they invert their drop handlebars: clearly the horns of the beast.

BLESSING SERVICE FOR A REFORMED CYCLIST

Welcome to the fold, my son. There is more joy in the DoT over one sinner that repents than there is over a thousand camels passing needles. Admit your sins and be cleansed in the fountain of eternal combustion; the almighty Clarkson is all-powerful and all-seeing, but he is merciful and forgiving for those who truly repent. We shall now sing hymn number 365GTB4:

All things fast and beautiful,
Whose engines are not small.
All things lithe and thunderful,
Lord Enzo made them all!"

He fine tuned the fuel injection,
He fitted the bucket seats,
He installed the superchargers,
With NOZ system you will never beat.

All things fast and beautiful,
Whose engines are not small.
All things lithe and thunderful,
Lord Enzo made them all!"

CYCLIST-HATING PDR'S APPROACH TO PROBLEM SOLVING ...

Problem:

Anthony and Cleopatra are lying dead on the floor of a villa in Egypt. Nearby is a broken bowl. There is no mark on either of their bodies and they were not poisoned. How did they die?

Anti-Bike Solution:

Tony and Cleo were cyclists whose arrogantly reckless disregard for legitimate road users caused a 40-ton propane tanker to leave the road, plough through a school full of children killing and maiming dozens of them before catching fire. The resulting catastrophe spewed burning propane over a whole town killing hundreds more and setting fire to a chemical works which, in turn, release tons of poisonous chemicals into both the atmosphere and the river.

he final death toll came to around 22 million, with the chemical toxins rendering the remainder of the population sterile. Before the die the survivors turn on the cyclists to exact revenge, but the cyclists escape to the coast where they manage to stow away on a freighter heading for Cairo. Once safely ensconced in a Cairo hotel under false names they order some drinks and a bowl of peanuts and finally pause to consider (for the first time in their lives) just what the consequences of their evil cycling habit have been.

The unaccustomed exercise of consideration for others and examining consequences of actions is too much for their systems and they both suffer massive and fatal coronaries. In falling to the ground Cleo hits the table, causing the peanuts to fall to the floor where the bowl shatters.

Alternatively one might consider that Tony and Cleo were asphyxiated goldfish whose bowl had been knocked to the floor and broken by a curtain which was blown by a storm, but that sounds a bit far fetched to me and doesn't involve the inherent malevolence of cyclists.

THE TESTAMENT OF THE CYCLIST
(Pete Trundell)

And lo, sons, three, were borne unto him and He didst cast His countenance upon them and spake unto the first, "Thou art Cyclist and the behaviour of thee and all thy kind shall be thus...."

And He spake unto the second, "Thou art Motorist and the behaviour of thee and all your kind shall be so...."

And he spake unto the third, "Thou art Highway Code and the laws by which you all live will be so. Use them wisely"

And so it came to pass that these three sons and their kind were cast out to live together. For a time there was much peace but two brothers were of separate minds and soon the third was cast aside to live in the shadows.

There was much conflict and some bloodshed. He brought retribution upon them both. Taxes to one and plagues of rain and gales upon the other but neither was to see the error of their ways.

He had had enough and sent His archangel, Impartial, upon them. "Cease your warring, there is good and bad within both your armies. Make peace with Highway Code and cast aside your fools and dolts unto the houses.

"Not bloody likely" they all said. "We like a good moan"

FROM THE BOOK OF TRANSPORTICUS

Thou shalt not suffer a cyclist to live.
(Transporticus 21:17).

Suffer thou not the cyclist to live lest thou forever be denied the fruits of heaven.

CYCLISTS CLASSIFIED AS VERMIN AT RIEDEN TOWERS

Someone suggested a visit to Rieden Towers .... and others suggested it might not be a good idea due to Mr Rieden's well known antipathy towards cyclists.

Richard: Because he'd have his gamekeeper shoot you on sight.

Rieden: Any gamekeeper shooting northerners would get a formal warning and have the cost of the ammunition docked from his wages. Horsewhipping. garrotting or mantraps are fine, but I ain't having my hard-earned funds squandered around the estates in un-necessary shootings. Unless it was a cyclist of course - the shotgun is the surer method and one should take no risks in the case of cyclists.

John: Ha! you use the "they are vermin" argument now but how long before it comes out that you are actively encouraging a certain population level of cyclists just for your sport? A cosy Peddlers Cafe or the odd cycle lane on the estate perhaps? .. you are being monitored

Rieden: You townies should keep your noses out of our traditional Farnham country sports as you clearly know nothing about them. Cyclists spread diseases through the local night life and often break through the protective fencing to take our "spring chickens" - how do you propose that should be controlled? Cyclist hunting provides hundreds of jobs in the Farnham area and forms a significant part of the local economy - what would these people do if shooting cyclists were to be banned? Leave our urbanised desirable country area sports alone!!!

Richard: And scientists have discovered that they don't feel pain - so the 'But it's cruel!' argument goes out the window...

Rieden: And some misguided people have suggested that it would be more humane to seal up the bike sheds and gas them, but we've tried it and it's just not effective since most cyclists still have gills and can hide out in a puddle until the gas disperses.

John: " Leave our urbanised desireable country area sports alone "? See! See! you're spreading your arguments already. Before it was vermin now its jobs you're just like the rest. Me an the other sabs are gonna be runnin all over your place dinging our little cycle bells just as soon as mums darned that hole in my balaclava (I caught a nasty chill and had diarrhoea through it last time out). Ting-a-ling! Ting-a-ling!

Rieden: As you wish - it's a freeish country. The estate staff have advised that sabs (or suspected sabs) are deemed to be fellow travellers with cyclists, and so the same bounties apply - 10 per pelt.

John: Ting ...

Adam: I've now got a car and one of those licences that says I don't have to have someone responsible riding shotgun while I drive it.

Rieden: Riding shotguns is dangerous and illegal - I think you must be confusing them with broomsticks.

Adam: Anyway, does this now mean that I have to hate cyclists? If so, are there places I can go to learn the art properly, or is anyone here willing to train me to an acceptable standard?

Rieden: You don't have to start hating cyclists because an abhorrence of cyclists and all they stand for is an integral part of the human genome as an essential survival characteristic. All you have to do is allow this abhorrence to rise to the surface and express itself. To most intelligent people this comes naturally, but some might need a little help in the first instance and reading the rec.imsc group regularly will provide some useful pointers. Of course there are always the non-intelligent (and barely sentient) humans who refuse to recognise their genetic heritage and claim that there is something that is in some way "desirable" about cycling as a concept. We should take pity on these poor creatures and humour them until the opportunity arises to put them humanely out of their misery when they next attempt to trespass on our roads.

A N Other: Where would I be able to purchase small reflectors (any shape) to nail onto wooden posts in a driveway ?

Doug: Halfords. Alternatively, any good bicycle shop.

Rieden: There is no such this as a "good" bicycle shop; they are ALL the Devil's Distribution Network. Turn not to the Dark Side, young Douglas!

Later ...

PDR: I strongly believe that these things teach kids to apply themselves, to work to achieve objectives and give them a degree of protection against the threat of being drawn into the culture of clubbing, drink, drugs and promiscuity that is so easy for adolescents. Here endeth the sermon.

AN Other: Presumably this serves to keep them well away from that most heathen of all sins - riding a bike?

PDR: No. I use prompt near-fatal beatings for that, just to be sure.

SATANIC BIKE SHOES

Question: Anyone know of any good websites for mountain bike shoes (or equipment)?
Anti-Bike: Cycles don't use shoes, they use tyres. Cyclists can find suitable footwear at either www.satan's-sandles.hades or www.beelzebub's-brogues.purgatory.

DETENTION WITHOUT TRIAL FOR CYCLISTS!

If the new security laws are brought in, they can arrest you in the middle of the night without enough evidence to secure normal conviction. They can hold you without charge for the rest of your natural life and if they do decide to bring charges it can be done in a secret court with carefully 'vetted' judges. People can disappear without explanation and never be seen again. Didn't we just get rid of Saddam for doing the exact same thing in Iraq?

Only because he applied it to non-cyclists as well. Applying this law to cyclists is just a matter of common sense.

In fact, PDR-ism is spreading! Clear Channel Communications, America's largest radio group, apologised to cyclists after morning DJs at its radio stations in Cleveland, Houston and Raleigh (North Carolina), urged listeners to harrass cyclists by running them off the road, slamming brakes on in front of them and throwing soft drinks bottles at them.  The Clear Channel Radio Chief Executive apologised to the League of American Bicyclists, saying "I do not support and condone the anti-cyclists messages and have taken steps to insure they do not occur again." The incidents at the 3 radio stations were apparently unrelated. PDR was unavailable for comment.

CYCLES THE ANSWER TO THE TRANSPORT CRISIS? (EXCERPT)

A N Other: ... transport system with which you have been saddled

Rieden: We all have our crossbar to bear...

A N Other: ....or the system will derailleur?

Rieden: It's all part of the package peddled by the "axle of evil", but the Sturmey Archers of England will prevail. Personally I'm going to keep my gear hidden back at the base in cog-nito 'cos I don't want to end up on the chain gang.


A N Other: Ok, no bikes then. How about a system of transfer points linked by a nationwide public transport network of buses and trains running frequently and reliably between any two places one cares to mention.

Rieden: And this is where your plan really falls down - the concept of a "public transport network of buses and trains running frequently and reliably" having been scientifically proven to be incompatible with this universe due to quantum duality.

According to the Telegraph newspaper, Professor Kemp at Lancaster University found that the weight and fuel requirements of trains has increased to the point where rail could become the least energy-efficient form of transport. According to PDR, it's a ridiculous claim - he's clearly either fudged his results or screwed up his basic arithmetic: "No matter how inefficient trains become they couldn't even come CLOSE to the mind-boggling inefficiency and eco-vandalist properties of the bicycle - I thought everyone realised this!" An expert responded that PDR's mistake was in classifying the bicycle as a form of transport. Its correct classification is a form of birth control.

FROM THE WORKS OF WILL SPOKESPEARE

If we cyclists have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That we have but pedalled here
With old Sturmey-Archer gears.
Saddle-sore and lycra-clad,
Do not judge us fey or mad;
Drivers, do not reprehend:
Or else we'll lurk beyond each bend -
And, as I have a mountain bike,
I'll cycle damn well where I like!
Now to 'scrape my mud guards clean,
And polish bike lights till they gleam;
The cyclist also heeds the Code,
That governs users of the road.
Give me your hands, let's make amends,
And cyclist, driver, both be friends.

Will Spokespeare
(from: A Midsummer Day's Bike Ride)

I know a hill whereon the push-bike slows,
Where cyclist, foolish two-wheeled outcast, goes
All frantic pedalling on lowest cog,
In lycra clad, and stinks like breath of dog:
There toils derailleur some time of the day,
Stood on his pedals and weary with calf pain;
And there the driver streaks unheeding past,
Gives on his horn a merry honking blast:
And in exhaust and fumes the cyclist coughs,
Pedals once more, then topples and falls off. 

Will Spokespeare
(from: A Midsummer Day's Bike Ride)

O cyclist, cyclist! wherefore art thou cyclist?
Deny thy transport and refuse thy lane;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn at oft,
And I'll no longer treat thy kind so soft.

'Tis but thy wheels that are mine enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a motorist.
What's cyclist? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor brakes, nor chain, nor any other part
Belonging to human. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a Porsche
By any other name would rev as sweet;
So cyclist would, were he not cyclist call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that hobby. Cyclist, doff thy lycra,
And for that key which is no part of thee
Take all myself....

Will Spokespeare
(from: Derailleur and Juliet)

"Senor Antonio. Many a time in the Rialto you have rated me for my saddle and my cycle-clips

(Will Spokespeare, A Pedaller of Venice)

All that cycles is not bike;
Though you mayn't have seen its like:
Many a man hath rode a trike,
Said to drivers "take a hike!"
Unicycles too, are sold,
Only to both brave and bold,
Recumbents also break the mould,
The knell for cyclists not yet tolled,
Fare thee well, you driver cold!

(Will Spokespeare, Pedaller of Venice "Rebuke to motorists" speech)

Tell me how is cyclist bred,
Form'd in the bike-lane or bike-shed,
Lycra-clad and helmetted?
Reply, reply.
It is enamoured of two wheels,
On pedals perched; on saddle feels,
On the un-oil'd crankshaft squeals.
Let us all ding cyclist's bell;
Let motorists swear doom and hell.

(Will Spokespeare, Pedaller of Venice)

 

ANTI-BIKE ODES

Pedal bikes depart from Slough -
It isn't fit for cyclists now,
Motorcars poor cyclists cow,
With their dislike.

Depart the concrete city's sheen
Go saddle-sore in biking jeans,
For cycle paths try Milton Keynes -
Get on yer bike!

****

There is a green hill far away,
Without a cycle path,
Where mountain bikes are shot on sight,
To give us all a laugh.

REMEMBER THE BUFTY?

Anyone remember "bufties"? These days it seems to be some sort of gay slang, but I remember when "bufty" meant a middle-aged or late-middle-aged gent with a more-than-healthy knowledge of bicycle gearing ratios. I suppose they'd be called the original bicycle geeks.

The archetypal bufty wore a tweed suit, usually with leather patches on the elbows. He always had metal bicycle clips and wore leather lace-up shoes. A tweed flat cap was optional. They always seemed to have elderly or unfashionable sit-up-and-beg bikes and they could quote you spoke lacing patterns, gearing ratios, cog sizes and optimum gearing for certain gradients at the drop of hat.

These days the archetypal bicycle geek (don't even think of calling him a bufty!) is lycra-clad, has streamlined cycle helmet and funny clogs. They ride racing bikes with drop handlebars and wafer thin wheels or top-of-the-range mountain bikes. They can still quote gearing ratios, cogs and spoke patterns. Maybe it's time for a "Campaign for Real Bufties" and we can see more of the tweed clad old gents on their unfashionable bikes again!

Though PDR probably wouldn't agree in case it encourages more people to take up cycling.

LET THE CAR DRIVER WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE

The police stop people for minor offences, such as defective lights, not for that person's safety, but because people who commit 'minor' traffic offences ("Oh, I've got a brake light out. ...") are likely to go on to commit more serious offences such as driving without insurance. Faulty lights is an MoT failure and these people know their car is an MoT failure and so decide not to MoT it, which means no tax or insurance either. They tend not to care about other things, such as driving safely, having insurance or even a licence. Stopping them because they haven't replaced a blown light and doing a vehicle and driver check is a deterrent as it tells them that the police are watching them.

ANO: People who commit 'minor' traffic offences ("Oh, I've got a brake light out. ...") might not know they have a brake light not working. It's hard to see your own brakelights while driving. Luckily a colleague spotted it and I replaced it before a copper could stop me and conclude that I was some ne'er-do-well who would inevitably progress from blown bulb to vehicular homicide.

PDR: Absolutely. I'm sure that when Rocket Ron drove his car to the MoT station with an empty windscreen washer bottle it clearly indicated that he would happily have driven on three flat tyres and with his brake fluid reservoirs topped up with Pepsi-Max. It should be obvious to everyone that driving with a tiny stone-chip near the top of the windscreen is only one step away from ram-raiding, drive-by shooting and drink-driving. Everyone knows that Fred West used to deliberately burn out his indicator bulbs with a 24v battery before setting off to work in the morning. The connection is obvious...

ANO: I have only been stopped like this a few times, every time I have been treated with courtesy, even in Dorset, and I have been on my way in minutes.

PDR: I was stopped for a day and a half once in Norfolk, but that's because they'd never seen one of these "motor car" things before.

ANO: These check do show up stolen cars, drunk drivers, those without MOTs etc so as far as I am concerned as a law abiding motorist/cyclist. They are a good thing.

PDR: "Law abiding cyclist"? Now who's taking the mickey!

DRAGONQUEEN'S LAIR

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