REGIONAL BARBIE AND KEN DOLLS

Apparently a souvenirs company wanted to market regionally themed "Ken and Barbie" style dolls. So they did a survey. What they were expecting was something like Pearly King Ken/Pearly Queen Barbie, Flat-Cap-and-Whippet Ken etc. What they actually got was rather different. Bear in mind these came from local people!

Glasgow Barbie wears 5 inch heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over her bum every two steps. She's been a heavy smoker since she was six, but it stops her putting on weight from eating fried Mars bars.

Glasgow Ken is 5ft tall, has tattoos, bad teeth, smells of drink and sports either a Rangers or Celtic top.

Somerset Barbie is a farmer's wife who always wears green wellies, a Barbour jacket and has her hair in a sensible bun. She drives a Land Rover with a Horse box permanently attached and talks a strange accent that only local people can understand.

Somerset Ken is a straw-chewing, cider drinking yokel wearing a straw hat and dungarees with wellies or boots. He goes around saying things like 'Oo ah, I got a brand new combine 'arvestor'. Somerset Ken and Barbie live in a cottage with panoramic views of the M5 motorway, surrounded by their herd of cows. Somerset Barbie is Somerset Ken's sister....

Rochdale Barbie is short, dumpy, chain-smoking, asthmatic and probably has spots. She wears a manky dressing gown or dossy tracksuit with stains. She also has large hoop earrings, dozens on rings, a gold chain and a hair extension. The talking version swears copiously.

Rochdale Ken is tall, chain smoking and has no other discerning visual features, however, please note that if a talking version is released Rochdale Ken swears like a trooper.

London Barbie believes she is classy, has never set foot into a High Street chain store, and only wears clothes from cocaine-soaked new-age designers. She has 'friends' and 'money' and can always be found at 'The' place to be seen. She drives an SLK, or an Audi TT.

London Ken work in 'The City' and goes out drinking with his work pals every night. He has a VIP membership for Stringfellows, smokes like a chimney and pushes more cocaine up his nose than Daniella Westbrooke. He owns a Ferrari, but rarely drives it, and he regularly pays for female escorts. He is usually found in the Bookies next to his office, but has never won anything. He talks the talk, but hasn't made a penny for any of his clients.

London Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's bank account, Ken's credit card.

London Ken comes with a bottle of designer lager in his hand, an Italian suit and a permanent frown.

Blackpool Barbie wears a 30B bra but should be wearing a 34DD. She can find her way home from any guest house/hotel at 6 in the morning and smells of donkey pooh (from rolling in something the beach donkeys deposited) and vomit. Sometimes has sand between her buttocks and always sports a bright orange fake or sunbed tan.

Blackpool Ken thinks he's an extra from Baywatch and often questions his own sexuality. He can hold 6 bottles of Becks in one hand and 'knows' the doorman of every nightclub in the resort. He also smells of donkey pooh (through cavorting on the beach with a string of Blackpool Barbies) and vomit and is a regular at the local clap clinic.

Welsh Baaaaaaaaaaabie wears a matted woolly coat, no shoes and has a slimy nose, often spends nights in open fields. Cannot walk upright. Baa.

Welsh Ken goes round in brown corduroy pants 3 sizes too big, tightened with a piece of baling twine, a baggy check shirt and brown shoes (the sole coming away from the upper). He goes around muttering and shouting 'You English baaaaaasteds'. He often spends nights in open fields with Welsh Baaaaaaaaabie.

Coventry Barbie is an unattractive, hard faced woman with scraggly brown hair and no dress sense. She left school aged 14 because she was pregnant and now has 4 children from at least 3 different fathers. She works part time as a cleaner, drinks heavily and spends large amounts of money on the lottery every week.

Coventry Ken is an uneducated meathead with multiple convictions for petty crime. He works on the production line at a car manufacturing factory and then spends most of his free time in the pub to get away from his nagging wife and misbehaving children. His goal in life is to buy a farm and live in the country despite the fact that he knows nothing about the countryside and the nearest he's ever been to a cow is roast beef at the Dog and Duck pub. He drives a battered old Rover and his idea of a holiday is two weeks in a leaky caravan in Skegness or Weston-Super-Mare.

Preston Barbie has 8 kids and has gradually gained weight since having her first at 13. She lives in a grubby maisonette which in her opinion sounds dead posh. Her only income is "the social" but she can still find money to dress in the full range of Kappa tracksuits and has more tacky jewellery than B.A. Baracus. She lives off Gin and imported high tar fags bought cheap from a car boot. Her aspirations would be for Aston and Martin (twins), Lennon, Jordan, Peaches, Chelsea, Ferrari and Brooklyn to follow in their numerous fathers footsteps and become petty thieves, and part time crack dealers.

Preston Ken wears a tracksuit and hooded top, he wears Rockport shoes and tucks his pant legs into his socks. He acts like he was born in South Central LA and the only person who can understand what he's been through is Eminem. He spends the day relieving school kids of their dinner money. He calls his mum a "Ho!" He drinks Diamond White Cider and can do a full bottle of glue in one.

Lytham Barbie is 14 years old, blonde, attends private school and is the apple of mummy's eye. However she spends her evenings in local pubs cadging alcopops off 20-something Lytham Ken whose only hope is to get his hand in her knickers without everyone knowing. After clubbing she ends up puking in the gutter and trying to pick a fight with another Lytham Barbie the local slag because she believes she's eyeing up Lytham Ken.

Lytham Ken is 20, works for the local council as a filing clerk but tells everyone he's computer programmer. He drives Mummy's new Mini Cooper, drinks alcopops or bottled Becks and everyone knows he is up to no good with 14 year old Lytham Barbie. He lives at home, smokes weed, takes E and wears designer clothes that Mummy pays for. His father is a doctor and Mummy runs a garden centre. He went to public school and got 10 A or A* GCSE's and 4 A Levels but couldn't be bothered to go to University.

Pompey Barbie has 4 kids, she had the first when she was 14. She has bleached blonde hair. She smokes 40 fags a day and drinks upward of 6 pints a night with the other D&Ds (Divorced or Desperates). On a night out she likes nothing more than getting into fights with other Pompey Barbies, followed by the greasiest Kebab you've ever seen in your life. She can often be found 'down town' shopping for shoes.

Pompey Ken got 14 year old Pompey Barbie pregnant when he was 22. He smokes, has a beer belly and lives on curry and kebabs. Teenage Pompey Ken enjoys hanging around 8-till-late stores, drinking cider and looking to find innocent bystanders to beat up.

Basingstoke Barbie is a Kappa/Reebok Classics wearing, Silk Cut smoking 16 year old single mother who is completely unaware of the use of the letters 'h' and 'g' in communication. She probably left school at 15, though it's difficult to tell as most of her time in compulsory education was spend going truant. She sports a high ponytail (created by scraping her hair back so hard that her scalp is on the verge of detaching itself from her skull), numerous ear rings, a cheap gold-effect crucifix necklace (though the nearest she's got to church is drinking Diamond White in the graveyard) numerous rings (given to her by boyfriends who think Elizabeth Duke is classy) and so much makeup that professional plasterers are amazed that it stays on. She spends most of her time walking aimlessly though Basingstoke town centre with her equally scummy friends, dropping McDonalds wrappers & fag butts on the ground. Anyone unlucky enough to look at her will be challenged, probably told to "f*ck off" before her "well 'ard" boyfriend beats you up.

Basingstoke Ken wears Reebok Classics, Kickers jumper and jeans so tight he needs professional cutting equipment to get undressed. He smokes Silk Cut (often confiscated by his chain-smoking mother), is uneducated due to persistent truancy and communicates largely by saying "innit". His cropped hair cut is held in place with Araldite. He has an Elizabeth Duke gold effect earring to make him look "'ard". He drives a Vauxhall Nova which has been crudely lowered, has badly fitted neon lamps underneath it, cheap-and-nasty spoiler, even cheaper-and-nastier alloy-effect hubcaps and an exhaust system that makes the 1.1 engine sound like an angry bumble bee trapped in a beer bottle (but which he thinks sounds really great). The car audio is from his brother's mate, just out of clink for nicking and stripping cars. He spends his time "Cruising The 'Stoke" with windows open and audio going full blast. He uses and deals in (small time) "weed" and "disco biscuits" to fund tarting up his motor with more cheap tat, or on Diamond White or, for a bit of class, alcopops. Car accessories sold separately from Basingstoke Ken doll.

Christchurch Barbie is 5 feet tall, somewhat shrunken from her former stature, has permed blue-rinse, sometimes purple-rinse, hair and is always immaculately turned out in beige overcoat, wrinkled tights and head scarf. She drives a large Rover because she thinks they're still a prestigious motor, perched upon several cushions, peering through the steering wheel and her trusty 1950's spectacles she delights in scaring the living daylights out of fellow road, pavement and bus stop users. Her bungalow is full of tacky souvenirs depicting Princess Di and other members of the royal family. She's always voted Tory and always will do.

Christchurch Ken is similarly past his best before date, his arms are covered in faded blue blotches that were once tattoos, and he sports the old regimental tie - he fought in the last world war, when wars were real wars, you know, to defend the Englishman's freedom to write whining letters to the local paper every week about bizarre causes only he cares about. He's nailed a multitude of antique AA, RAC and IAM badges to the front of the Rover to assert his seniority on the road. An avid Daily Mail reader, he can be found in the legion club most evenings, smoking a pipe, putting the world to rights and moaning about 'bloody foreigners'.

Christchurch Ken and Christchurch Barbie have been married for fifty two years.

Barbie is a Mattel trademark. This humour item is from usenet

DRAGONQUEEN'S LAIR

You are visitor number: