PROCEDURE IN CASE OF IMMINENT ASTEROID IMPACT
On receipt of an "Imminent Asteroid Impact 3 Day Warning", the following procedure applies.
BEFORE/DURING THE IMPACT
Non-essential staff may apply for annual leave covering all or part of the 3 day period; this will be granted at the discretion of their project manager and only if it does not impact project schedules, delivery timetables or the normal functioning of the company. Where an employee has no remaining annual leave, the manager may, at his discretion, grant special leave. This will be unpaid and in the event of survival, the time must be made up within the first 2 weeks after returning to work. Staff closest to the estimated impact site will be given preferential treatment in the matter of leave.
Essential staff may also apply for leave, but this may be refused in order that project timescales are met and the company accounts are brought up-to-date and filed in time for the impact.
Where annual or special leave is refused, an employee may obtain sick leave on presentation of a doctor's certificate stating that the employee is suffering undue stress at the thought of imminent and major destruction of life and property in the immediate vicinity.
Where the employee intends to move to safer ground e.g. to another country, please contact HR Dept regarding Voluntary Severance.
While we are sympathetic to employees wanting to reach their families as soon as possible, the site speed limit must be observed during emergency evacuation. For those employees opting to remain at work, remember that the company telephone system must NOT be used to make calls home. Please use the pay-phone in the staff restaurant.
In the days prior to asteroid collision, we can expect meteor showers. Any impact craters in the car parking areas will be marked with yellow paint, but please be alert for potholes as these constitute a "trip hazard". Any member of staff falling into a crater or pothole is required to fill out an accident form. Staff attempting to remove meteorites which are causing an obstruction must follow safe handling guidelines e.g. two-person lift.
Fires caused by flaming meteors must be tackled in accordance with company procedures. Fire procedures are posted on each floor in the vicinity of the entrance/exit doorways. Only tackle a fire if you can do so without endangering yourself and after evacuating the immediate area and take care to select the appropriate type of fire extinguisher. Good housekeeping will reduce the likelihood of fire i.e. keep your immediate area free of clutter, particularly combustible items.
Broken windows and fallen glass must be reported to Site Services promptly.
FOLLOWING THE IMPACT
Staff in the impact zone will be entitled to one half-day's compassionate leave for each family member killed. This is limited to: spouse, parent, child or sibling. Time off for more distant relatives (e.g. grandparent, stepchild, uncle) must be taken from the employee's annual leave or dealt with outside of flexible working hours.
Staff in the proximity zone must deal with family fatalities outside of works time.
Cleaning and catering staff must report to site (see note below) immediately after impact, or immediately after cessation of any resulting flood, firestorm, earth tremor or volcanic eruption. This will ensure the site is cleaned up ready for the return to work.
All other staff must report to site on time the next working day after the impact. Where roads or rail link are damaged, staff should allow extra time for their journey. All absences must be accounted for.
Note: In the event of the company's site being in the impact zone or otherwise destroyed (e.g. by the resulting flood, fire, volcanic eruption or earth tremor); staff are required to report to the site's lat/long position to help in the salvage and clear up operation. It is imperative that normal operation is restored as soon as possible. Your lat/long position is <co-ordinates>. You will shortly be issued with your GPS and this will be deducted from your next wage packet.
WORKING DURING THE ASTEROID IMPACT
Some staff may choose to work throughout the period of the impact. Other essential staff will be required to work during this period. The following guidelines apply.
Please save your work regularly as a power failure may occur during, or immediately after, impact.
You may watch the actual impact through the window, on webcast or TV during lunchtime. If the impact occurs during working hours, you will be required to clock out at the beginning and clock back in again afterwards. You must make up any lost time. In the instance of a direct hit on the site, clocking will become optional. Please make a note of the time instead.
If the impact is directly on your home, you may not leave work immediately. Please wait until normal close of play. After all - it's not as though you'd be able to do anything.
The staff restaurant will be closed. The vending machines next to the restaurant will be put on free vend for the day, but once emptied will not be refilled. Please do not bring alcoholic drinks on site. The staff restaurant remains a "No Smoking" area.
The return to work guidelines will be waived in the case of the extinction of all life, either on a planet-wide scale or within a 1000 mile radius of work.
Our ISO 9000 (Quality) and ISO 14000 (Environmental) certifications are important! Impending asteroid collision is no reason to let our quality standards slip. The QA department will operate as normal up to and during the time of impact. We realise that an asteroid collision may be a distraction, but it's no reason to fall behind with your paperwork or let good housekeeping practices fall by the wayside!
This will be open to treat cuts, bruises, burns etc. Please memorise the location of first aid kits, eye-wash stations etc and the name of your local First Aider(s). All members of security are registered First Aiders. For more major injuries e.g. loss of limbs, please attend the Accident & Emergency Dept of the local hospital. Remember to advise your Time and Attendance clerk and clock out before you go.
The company would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their hard work over the previous trading quarter. We wish employees and their families all the best for the Armageddon period and remind you to enjoy Armageddon in a safe manner. Remember: don't drink and drive!
Note: The original version of this satire was written by members of a Quality Assurance dept to demonstrate the sheer idiocy and unnecessary nature of some of the company procedures. Rumour has it that it went through three levels of review before the proposed "procedure" was vetoed. That put it dangerously close to ending up in the company standards books!