While normal Cat Logic dictates that sitting on a sleeping human should actually get them up, it all-too-often gives them an added excuse to lie in bed a little longer - on the pretext of "not disturbing the cat". On the other hand, dancing, treading, kneading and generally fidgeting on your human's early morning full bladder, will invariably get him or her out of bed. All you then have to do is to ensure they stay out of bed!

Once your human is up and about, attach yourself to his or her ankles as they go about their tasks. Your side or tail must remain in contact with his or her ankle at all times. This has the following effects:

a) Wherever they go, you go - thus ensuring nothing is hidden from you.
b) You are demonstrating your devotion and attachment
c) If he or she treads on you, you can exploit their guilt
d) It says, loud and clear, "I need something!" - it's then up to you to identify what exactly it is that you need.

Take care that you don't trip your human - it is a wise precaution to temporarily detach yourself from ankles while he or she negotiates stairs.

While this may sound like teaching your grandmother to catch mice, it is a fact that contented throaty purring is irresistible to most humans. Make it evident that your human is the source of your contentment and the reason for your ecstatic purring. Purring while snuggling is one of the most powerful combinations known to cats. However, if you also knead while purring, keep those claws sheathed - a few painful punctures can undo several hours' worth of purring in all but the best-trained human.

Never underestimate the power of looking cute! Wide eyes and pricked ears and whiskers with your head cocked slightly to one side is almost guaranteed to provoke the "oooh" reaction, especially from younger members of the household. Learn from kittens - they frequently get away with all manner of misdeeds on the strength of being unspeakably cute. Mature cats should, of course, avoid misdeeds (as far as is felinely possible), but accidents can and do happen. Many a canny cat has avoided chastisement by simply being "too cute to be cross with".

Another often overlooked tactic is mewing. It's not just for youngsters! Properly employed, it can be a powerful weapon in your arsenal. The key is proper intonation. Loud, raucous or demanding mews will get you nowhere except in an emergency. Soft, medium pitched and polite, combined with the wide eyes and cocked head of "Looking Cute" is far more effective. Many cats develop a complete vocabulary of mews which range from plaintive through to cheerful greeting. Then of course there is the famous "silent meow". Pitched too high for human hearing, it gives the impression that you simply can't find words to express your emotion or need. Humans find that practically irresistible.

Most humans have an innate love of neatness and order which a cat can quickly learn to exploit. Even when they themselves are untidy in their household habits, they are quick to admire neatness in others. Exploit this by sitting pretty. Sit to attention, that is sit up straight with all four paws in a line and close together (as far as is possible according to your body shape) and curl your tail around to lie over your front paws. Whether you are simply dozing or are concentrating, this posture is greatly admired by neat-minded humans. Combined with "Looking Cute" it is a powerful weapon.

In this respect, tailless or bobtailed cats will be at a disadvantage while those gifted with long fur will have an added advantage. It is well known by cats that humans are not too good at reading our more subtle tail signals. However, most of them can recognise the upright, slightly a-quiver tail of greeting. Take care that it cannot be mistaken for spraying - a trait they dislike greatly, being cursed with a poor sense of smell unable to appreciate scent messages. Practice tail fluttering when greeting your human, when being fed and when ankle surfing. If possible, practice walking, trotting and bounding (to greet your human) with tail aloft.

So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats?

Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple: They Have Opposable Thumbs. This single attribute makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orang-utans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train and their incomes are limited.

2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention

Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping. Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

Here are some tried and trusted methods for getting your human to do what you want:

• Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
• Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention. Remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

3. Punishing Your Human Being

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire. Being unsophisticated creatures, humans are likely to misinterpret these activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:

• Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
• Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
• Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
• After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall cupboard and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
• While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?

The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, slow-worms, grass snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour's Chihuahua) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?

You are only obliged to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

The Mark I Charismatic Autonomous Terminator (CAT) system is part of a family of intelligent, stealthy, terminal-homing mouse-seeking missiles featuring multi-sensor targeting with twin uncooled day/night-vision devices, multi-frequency mobile sound-sensitive antennas, vibration detectors, full-range olfactory capability and a fully integrated neural-net architecture allowing intelligent strategy selection during multi-mode operation. Unlike the Lethal Independently Operational Neutraliser (LION), the CAT is compact, controllable, user-friendly and comes in a variety of external finishes and colours to ensure full camouflage during in-the-field operation.

The CAT is built around a self-righting inertial platform mounted on four legs, each with full suspension, terminated in clawed and padded feet for excellent traction on all types of terrain. Its novel bio-gyroscope allows launch from any attitude and forms part of the self-righting mechanism in the unlikely event that the unit should tip or fall. A 12 inch tapered cylindrical rudder mounted above the exhaust port provides additional stability and counterbalances the unit during high-speed manoeuvring. Full speed can be attained immediately upon launch.

The highly flexible multi-jointed frame, bio-gyroscopes and rudder permit incredible manoeuvring when in pursuit mode. The legs provide adjustable height allowing the Mark I CAT to pass beneath obstructions during ground-hugging manoeuvres.

In addition to multiple sensors and a powerful Actual Intelligence processor, the Mark I CAT features an impressive array of advanced weaponry, making it possibly the most versatile item in our wide range of Predator Class Products. Integrated multi-aspect attack profile with indefinite-loiter mode, full stealth technology and lock-on-target-tracking ensure a wide lethality envelope. Upon target engagement, the CAT deploys four clusters of retractable submunitions in addition to the primary warhead, providing an enhanced radius of destruction. Weapons deployment can be delayed indefinitely while in ambush mode.

The Mark I CAT uses regular or exotic solid or liquid fuel and is equipped with a low-signature exhaust-obscuration system. Premium grade fuel is recommended for optimum operation with minimal wastage, but the unit gives adequate performance on economy grade fuels (with increased emissions) making it suitable for use in sub-optimum conditions. A low-frequency localised vibration signal indicates that the unit is fully operational. Movement of the terminal rudder while the unit is at rest indicates readiness for deployment.

Firmware and connectors compatible with any unit of the Mark I series guarantee unlimited expansion capability, making the CAT system a cost-effective countermeasure to the projected spectrum of rodent-threat scenarios well into the next century. Advanced systems are capable of vertical take-off and limited flight, making them effective against low-flying avian threats. Although the overall unit is not water-resistant, the paired front legs with their retractable grapples (5 per leg, terminal mount only) are fully waterproof and may occasionally be deployed from the shoreline against piscines.

The Enhanced Mark II CAT features a limited range of Anti-Canine features at no additional cost! This comprises high-speed emission of air, with or without addition of an aqueous repellent, from the forward-facing fuel intake port. In this mode the antennas are fully folded into the stow position and the twin visual inputs will be partially stowed to reduce damageable surface area. The retractable grapples on the forward pair of legs may be additionally deployed while the overall surface texture may change from smooth to bristled to indicate full engagement of this mode.

The CAT can be seen behind the main pavilion at the Farnborough Air Show and is available from British Purrospace, please contact Pete in the spares warehouse for immediate free delivery of extensively tested, battle-ready Mark I CATs (various colours/sizes) with excellent track records against both rodent and avian targets. Hurry - future supplies will be strictly limited following the arrival of a crack squad of trap-neuter-return operatives!