THE WAR AGAINST RATS
Copyright 2003, 2004, Douglas EF Smith
(I was amused to receive this Reuters-style report from Doug Smith detailing the war against a rat. His petite cat, Nutmeg, is nicknamed "Nemesis of the Vole"; deploying her against a rat would be "deployment outside of her operational parameters". Backup support was therefore employed in the form of a sturdy rat trap.)
Breaking news, 'Arper Towers press conference 07:46 20th January 2003
Good morning ladies and gentlemen, firstly I'd like to assure you all that the ever present threat of invasion has been neutralised.
Today, at 07:04 one of our embedded intrusion detection and neutralisation devices encountered and neutralised a rodent intruder. The device (colloquially known as a rat trap) used state of the art stealth technology (was made of wood) and was designed to appear as an attractive target to the invading rodent menace (had half a fun-size Mars bar attached to it).
The device was activated, and performed impeccably, resulting in near-instant death to the intruder.
Question: How "near-instant"?
Observation shows that the initial snap was followed by an immediate struggle, lasting not more than two seconds. There was then a short delay, before the duplicitous rodent threat underwent death throes consisting of an unfocussed thrash.
The killing bar struck the top of the cranium crushing the brain, just behind the eyes. Cockpit footage of this guided weapon strike is unavailable for reasons of national security. However, if required, high altitude observation photos can be obtained before our forces begin the cleanup operation this evening.
Nutmeg (Nemesis of the Vole) was unavailable for comment.
February Weapons of Mouse Destruction Update
Nutmeg continues to maintain a physical presence and monitoring the hostile buildup. However, as she doesn't have a UN Security Council resolution, she is unable to intervene in the situation and is forced to rely on the rather effective automated "no scurry zone" defences.
August 2004 Weapons of Mouse Destruction Update
On Wednesday 18 August, our Rodent Control Operative (RCO Nutmeg) made a high speed tactical retreat from the arena of action (kitchen) following renewed sightings of the rodent menace. She took up position on top of the living room sofa-bunker furthest from the occupied area. Over the next several minutes, she advanced position along the ridge of the sofa bunker, utilising several cushions and one recumbent human to cover her advance. She reported the presence of a crack squad of highly trained, heavily armed mice of the al Squekr faction active along the fridge-cupboard border region. The rodent control operative then took up a safe surveillance position in the living room on top of the sofa-bunker to prevent incursions into territory held by the catalition.
Several Weapons of Mouse Destruction were deployed along the fridge border region. These included 5 Mark 1 Patriot Mousetraps, deployed at floor level and armed with Snickers warheads. Two Mark 2 chocolate-bearing Obliterator Rat Traps were deployed directly under the kitchen counter region. RCO Nutmeg continued surveillance activities from the sofa-bunker and later from a safe position at the foot of the stairs.
At approximately 0650 Kitchen Time, a loud noise was heard from the arena of action. Investigation showed that one Obliterator Rat Trap had been disarmed and the payload removed. No other Weapons of Mouse Destruction had been triggered. Enemy numbers were therefore revised from "large number of al Squekr operatives" to "one, possible two, Mousetada spies, unarmed".
The following day, at approximately 0655 Kitchen Time, a Mark 1 Patriot Mousetrap was found to have been fired. A small Mousetada spy was found dead as a result of the Mark 1 Patriot Mousetrap's precision action. The Mousetada spy's body was given to RCO Nutmeg who proceeded to parade it around the Household Corridor, after which its body was used for "interrogation techniques practice". The remains of the Mousetada were later retrieved from several locations and disposed of in accordance with local regulations (place in dustbin for collection by waste control operatives deployed in area on a Tuesday).
The rodent menace has been effectively neutralised. No further rodent operatives have been detected in the fridge border region or associated rodent activity hot-spots (e.g. under cooker area) . No RCOs have been lost during the containment of the rodent menace. The "decapitation strike" has proven effective, although remaining Weapons of Mouse Destruction will remain in position in the arena of action for several days.