SMIFFY'S PRO-NEUTERING ROCK SONGS

SMIFFY'S tongue-in-cheek parodies of rock songs - about spaying and neutering feral cats!

LILY, THE POPULATION-BOOM TOWN-CAT
Copyright 1995, SMIFFY
("Rat Trap" - Boomtown Rats)

Lily don't like it being local cathouse queen,
There ain't no place in town that Lily hasn't been,
Lily lost her figure many litters ago,
Cos all the roaming tomcats, well they love Lily so.
No-one knows how long she's been wandering around,
Slinking through the alleys on the sleazy side of town,
She hasn't got an owner and she don't know where to go,
Evicted from her last home by a steel-capped booted toe;
Saying stalk go stalk ... stalk go stalk.

There was screaming and crying and she raised them all alone,
Had her litter in a gutter for want of a loving home.

Loose Lily, she don't trust them human beings no more,
They got her for Christmas, in March showed her the door,
Living in the backstreets on the mice that eat the scraps,
Her presence quite magnetic to the local stray tom cats;
There are kittens by the dozen, many starving or diseased,
One or two have made it but the others are deceased,
And Lily's looking desperate, kind-of skinny, kind-of thin,
What sort of state is that for her to be in?
Saying court, don't court ... court, don't court.

There's fighting and there's yowling and admirers galore,
And pus and blood ooze from their scab-crusted claws.

Someone noticed Lily as she lingered in the shade,
And cared enough for ferals that they went and asked for aid,
They started leaving sardines for the poor motheaten tabby,
Who lurked frightened in the shadows looking pitiful and shabby.
One night Lily finds a box and she smells the sardines,
She walks right on inside, doesn't know what it means,
Too late she tries to get out but the trap is too quick,
The door clangs down behind her and now Lily's in a fix;
Screaming caught, I'm caught ... caught, I'm caught.

She's screaming and she's yelling and she's clawing at the door,
It's a cat-trap Lily and you're already caught!

They got her sleek and healthy though they rarely saw her face,
Cos Lily, she don't want to know the big bad human race,
Took her to the clinic and there they got her spayed,
Now Lily won't be courting all those dashing young blades;
But Lily's spent to long alone and refuses to be tame,
So what they've got in mind for her is nearly the same -
Now she's living at a factory where she's chasing rats and mice,
Though she gets square meals provided, it's the time of her life;
Singing "free once more ... free once more"

It's a rat-trap Lily, they're all there to be caught,
Pretty Lily's having fun now doing what a cat ought.
So all you lady ferals come on don't be so afraid,
The living gets much better after you have been spayed.

 

GLAD TO BE SPAYED
Copyright 1995, SMIFFY
("Glad to be Gay" - Tom Robinson)

British cat care is the best in the world
I don't believe one of those stories I've heard
About cats being harmed for no reason at all
Except that they sing from the top of some wall,
Singing their love songs, plighting their troth,
At the top of their voices, tom and queen both,
Dodging the thrown boot, risking disease;
It could all be prevented with greatest of ease.

Purr if you're glad to be spayed
Purr if your happy that way, yeah,
Purr if you're happily neutered,
Once you've been done you're much cuter.

Have you heard the tale of young ginger Tibbs?
He was only two years old with fifty-five kids,
He came down with cat-Aids and all through a bite
From some mangy tomcat who wanted to fight;
Now he has chronic rhinitis and flu,
He isn't the athletic tom I once knew,
His girlfriends have got it; so have their young,
It would be different if Tibbs had been done.

Purr if you're glad to be spayed
Purr if your happy that way, yeah,
Purr if you're happily neutered,
Once you've been done you're much cuter.

Matilda Sixtoes was gentle and sweet,
Tortie and white with six toes on her feet,
Now her belly is sagging and hangs to the floor,
She's had six litters, she's expecting one more,
When she was a kitten she had a good home.
But unspayed and calling for mates, the girl roamed,
She wandered too far and got lost and confused
Fell in with the cast-offs, the strays and abuseds.

Purr if you're glad to be spayed
Purr if your happy that way, yeah,
Purr if you're happily neutered,
Once you've been done you're much cuter.

British cat care is the best, yes I know,
But look all around you in city shadows,
You'll see the outcasts who don't have a home,
Barefoot and breeding, the stray kitties roam;
Singing and fighting and spraying their smell,
Their kittens are born into hunger and hell,
Dodging abuse and risking disease,
It could be prevented with greatest of ease.

Purr if you're glad to be spayed
Purr if your happy that way, yeah,
Purr if you're happily neutered,
Once you've been done you're much cuter.
Purr if you're ... (to fade)

 

STAND TOGETHER
Copyright 1995, SMIFFY
("Stand Together" - Tome Robinson)

All you young tomcats,
All you young queens
Come together, stand together
And learn what straying means.

There are stray cats in the cities,
Tabby, tortie, black-and-white,
Some you see and some are hidden
In the shadows of the night.

To be stray is to be fighting
For our food and for our lives,
To be stray is to be frightened,
Scared and lonely all the time.

All you young tomcats,
All you young queens
Come together, stand together
And learn what straying means.

There are people in the cities
And all throughout this land,
Who care for all stray kitties
And lend a helping hand.

They neuter and they feed us
And they find us loving homes,
If we're wild they release us,
Safely neutered we can roam.

All you young tomcats,
All you young queens
Come together, stand together
And learn what straying means.

 

GRAY CLAWED TINA
Copyright 1995, SMIFFY
("Grey Cortina" - Tom Robinson)

Wish I wasn't gray clawed Tina
Whiplash hairy-tail, racy stripes,
Body works but could be cleaner
Lots of scratches, unhealed bites.
Never caught by pest controllers,
Never lost a single fight,
CPL too slow to nick her,
Gray clawed Tina, out of sight!

 

EASY STREET
Copyright 1995, SMIFFY
("Easy Street" - Tom Robinson)

Seventeen years I've been running and hiding
Raising my kittens to spit and to hiss,
Now I am old, you know I've done some thinking
About my owner, the man that I miss;
Now I am old, you know I've done some thinking
About my owner, the man that I miss.

Carry on cruising the streets with my colony,
Carry on hunting long into the night,
It isn't easy being stray, it gets lonely
For every meal I eat I have to fight;
It isn't easy being stray, it gets lonely
For every meal I eat I have to fight.

If only he'd spayed me, I wouldn't be on the street
Hustling the tomcats, having their litters,
Life isn't easy without enough food to eat
And harder yet when I'm raising my kittens;
Life isn't easy when there's not enough to eat
And harder yet when I'm raising my kittens.

Find me a hearth and a rug I can doze upon
A bowl full of food and a home for a while,
I'm old and I'm tired and I just want to rest my bones,
Find me a place I can go out in style;
Now I'm old and I'm tired I just want to rest my bones,
Find me a place I can go out in style.

 

DOWN IN THE PARK
Copyright 1995, SMIFFY
(Original: Down in the Park - Gary Numan/Tubeway Army)

Down in the park
Where the tomcats
Meet all the queens
And play "let s make kittens"
Down in the park
With stray-catkind.

I was in a cattrap
And went to the vets
Now Ive never been
Quite the same
Little white lies
Like "Ive a headache".

Come to dustbins
A place to eat
Like theyre refilled
Every day
You can watch the rodents
Trying to run.

Oh look
Theres the CPL* (*Cats Protection League, on trap-neuter-return patrol)
Id go outside
If theyd look the other way
You wouldnt believe
The things they do.

Down in the park
Where the chant is
"Thrill thrill thrill"
Until the sun cries morning
Down in the park
With friends of mine.

We are all ferals
We are all
Poor stray cats
We are all unwanted
A different life
But were cats all the same.

 

ARE CATS ELECTRIC?
Copyright 1995, SMIFFY
(Original: Are Friends Electric - Gary Numan/Tubeway Army)

Its cold outside
But the gas fire is comforting
Theres a cat outside
With long teeth and sharp claws,
a mean-looking tabby cat.

Now the sunshine fades
And I wonder what hes doing
on a night like this
Theres a scratch at the door-
And just for a moment I
thought I might let him in.

For now Im alone
And I can think to myself
About hungry strays
And ferals
And things I just don t understand
A cry in the night
Or a sad miaow at times
I don t think it belongs to anyone.

So I open the door
To the cat that I saw on the driveway
Please come in
A candle-lit shadow in the hall by the mat.

You know I hate to ask
But are cats electric?
Only mines broken down
And now Ive no-one to stroke.

So I find out your reasons
For the sad miaows and scratches
And Im no
Longer so lonely
Id have let you in sooner
But I missed my old cat
And you looked mean and fierce
But now you mean everything to me.

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