C.O.S.H.H. REGULATIONS 1988
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS DATA SHEET
Substance: Felinium (commonly called "Cat")
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 4 Kg, but there are known isotopes ranging from 3 Kg to 7 Kg
Occurrence: Common worldwide
1. Surface normally covered in fur, but there are known furless isotopes.
2. May have fishy odour at times, otherwise odour of warm suede.
3. Boils if pestered, freezes if caught doing something it shouldn’t, melts if treated correctly.
4. Yields if gentle pressure applied starting at nape of neck, along back towards base of tail (see ‘melts if’).
5. Bitter if not fed on time, sour if given cheap brands, sweetened by application of cream and smoked salmon.
6. Emits gentle purring sounds when in ideal conditions, may hiss in adverse conditions.
7. Specimens occur in many colours.
1. High affinity to meat and fish, absorbs large quantities of milk.
2. Explosive when in contact with Water (H2O), Dog (Dg) or Mouse (Ms)
3. Insoluble in liquids, temporary excitation caused by immersion in catnip.
4. Great money reducing agent especially in proximity to Vet (Vt).
1. Alarm clock.
2. Weight for holding duvet in place.
3. Lap warmer and relaxation device.
4. Door stop.
4. Rodent/bird control operative (in some specimens only).
1. Hisses if placed in close proximity to Caninium ("Dog") (Dg) or Veterinarium (Vt).
2. Hisses and explodes if placed in water.
3. Purring noise present when handled correctly.
1. Sharp bits in evidence during Tests 1 and 2 above.
2. Human food items may inexplicably vanish if left in contact with Cat.
3. Trip hazard (in the dark).
4. Suffocation hazard (on cold nights)
5. Produces noxious waste products.
6. May produce allergic reaction in some individuals.
7. Shredded furnishings.
8. Sheds surface covering intermittently.
1. All foodstuffs should be locked away.
2. Infra-red night-sights should be employed to avoid trip hazard.
The Chemical Element Pussium (Pu)
These are the properties of the chemical element Pussium which is found in varying quantities in many homes.