THE CATABILITY MIAOWTURITY MODEL OF THE PUSSWARE ENGINEERING INSTITUTE
This model attempts to measure feline capability and set quantifiable goals for all cats. There are 5 levels and each Key Purrcess Area (KPA) must be fulfill in order for the cat to achieve full competency in that level. Once a level has been achieved, it must be re-assessed on an annual basis to ensure that there is no backsliding.
LEVEL 1 - CHAOTIC
All Key Purrcesses are haphazard and ad hoc. There is no consistency when the purrcess is performed again. Any cat able to perform the 4 basic Level 1 Key Purrcesses has competency in basic catness.
LEVEL 2 - CONSISTENT
When the purrcesses are repeated, they are performed consistently and to an established method.
LEVEL 3 - PLANNED
The purrcesses are not merely consistent each time they are performed, they are planned and demonstrate forethought.
LEVEL 4 - MANAGED
The Key Purrcesses are consistent and there is evidence of an advanced level of planning, possibly days in advance.
LEVEL 5 - OPTIMISED
The Key Purrcesses are performed to a high level of competence, are planned and consistent. This is a highly advanced level of catness.
LEVEL 1 KEY PURRCESS AREAS
The following Key Purrcesses must be in place in order to demonstrate a basic understanding of catness. Only when there are in place can the cat consider advancement to the next level. This is the default stage (i.e. no actual work is required to achieve it) and far too many cats are content to remain aimlessly at Level 1.
Purring - any time
Eating - anything
Sleeping - anywhere
Clawing - everything
LEVEL 2 KEY PURRCESS AREAS
Having mastered the Level 1 purrcesses, the cat must now master all Level 2 Purrcesses. Accreditation at Level 2 indicates a higher degree of catness and lays firm foundations for the higher levels.
The cat must demonstrate the ability to get humans to dangle things on bits of string until he grows bored of playing with his owners.
The cat must demonstrate a good choice of material to show off his clawing techniques in interesting and prominent fashion.
Imaginative Sleeping Places -
These should include laundry baskets (clean washing), draped over TV screens (obstructing vision) and anywhere else which demonstrates his ability to be both in the way but too cute to disturb.
A consistent ability to get the owners to give attention on demand is required to satisfy this goal.
LEVEL 3 KEY PURRCESS AREAS
This is the halfway stage between basic catness and advanced catness and reflects a growing mastery of basic skills and the acquisition of new ones which will be further refined in Levels 4 and 5.
he ability to take up as much bed as possible before humans arrive on the scene.
Interesting Food Fads
The ability to elicit horror and disgust by the consumption of spiders, bugs and worms combined with the refusal to eat any of the cheaper brands of cat food.
The ability to shed selectively i.e. dark fur on light furnishings/clothes and light coloured fur on dark surfaces/clothes; if possible clumps of fur should be shed to give the effect of "an explosion in a cat factory".
The consistent ability to be in the way regardless of what the owners are doing; it also involves the ability to be on the wrong side of any closed door.
LEVEL 4 KEY PURRCESS AREAS
The achievement of this higher intermediate level demonstrates a mastery of the following skills.
Prime Bedspace Acquisition
Rather than simply hogging as much bed as possible, the cat must be able to determine where and how to sleep so as to cause as much discomfort and inconvenience as possible, yet remaining too cute to be removed from the bed.
Chair- and Lap-hogging
The ability to take over any chair or lap, the moment it becomes available (or by removing the previous incumbent through use of guilt techniques) and having achieved that position to remain there no matter what.
The ability to manipulate the owners into buying only the most gourmet foods available, while still reserving the right to eat icky things like bugs.
The ability to purr and knead in such a way that any human is compelled to give attention, affection, food, bed-space, lap-space or whatever; kneading should be done violently enough that the human bears bruises but the claws do not actually puncture the skin.
LEVEL 5 KEY PURRCESS AREAS
This is the most advanced Level of catness. It shows an ability to effectively manipulate humans and the environment to best suit the needs and desires of the cat.
Put succinctly, this is the ability to get away with any crime simply by looking cute; whether it's the dead prey in the tub or the hairball sicked up on the pillow, cuteness must prevail so that the owner actually congratulates the cat for these "achievements".
Effective Food Management
Involves not only the gaining of a gourmet diet, but attention to presentation; the cat must be able to manipulate its owners into warming the food and chopping it to the right consistency, perhaps with a small garnish of prawns or flaked tuna.
The cat must demonstrate choice of sleeping place and the unwillingness of humans to disturb it due to cuteness; in addition the ability to sleep soundly through major vacuum-cleaning of the carpets while obstructing the path of the vacuum cleaner is required (also called "unable to take a hint").
The ability to stop a human in his activities and gain attention simply by being in the way and cute all at once.