SMIFFY'S SAGA OF BILLY THE KIT'N AND HIS FRIENDS
Some tongue-in-cheek ballads about neutering!
THE HONKY-TONK BALLAD OF BILLY THE KIT'N
Copyright 1995, SMIFFY
He was mean, he was lean and his one ear was keen,
The toughest old tom that you'd ever seen,
And they called him Billy the Kit'n.
She was sweet, she was neat, with four dainty white feet,
The cutest l'il thing you could wish to meet
But with Billy the Kit she was smitten.
Billy the Kit, he was bad news in town,
There was fighting and trouble when he hung around,
All the ladies they thought that Billy was swell,
But Billy had intentions on Fifi LaBelle.
Fifi LaBelle who worked in her daddy's Milk Bar,
Was head over heels with Billy's an' his swagger,
Into the bar, Billy came a-struttin'
And set Fifi's heart and whiskers all a-flutter.
Fifi LaBelle, she took off with Billy,
Her dainty white paws, they got torn and gritty,
Her ruffles of fur got raggedy and dusty,
And Billy the Kit smelt tomcatty and musty.
Now Fifi was spayed and every bit a lady,
Billy was a tomcat, secretive and shady,
Wandering the highways, driven by his hormones,
Looking for the queen cats everywhere that he roamed.
Billy had a ladyfriend in every town and village,
Fathering their kittens inbetween each pillage,
He didn't seem so charming and he certainly weren't faithful,
He no longer looked attractive to little Fifi LaBelle.
She ran home to daddy and did some fast talking,
"Call the Cat Protection, it's time they stopped his stalking.
He'll always be rough one, wild and untutored,
But the County will be safer with Billy the Kit neutered!"
The Sheriff raised a posse, they'd soon stop Billy strutting,
They aimed to put a stop to Billy's brawling and his rutting,
They set a trap to catch him, locked him in the County gaol,
Two days later they released "Billy the Neutered Male".
Fifi LaBelle was in her daddy's Milk Bar,
When a stranger strode in and settled by the log fire,
He was tidy and neat, his fur was plush and ginger,
And he smelt clean and sweet. He nodded when he spied her,
Fifi LaBelle, couldn't trust her two eyes,
Took her a moment of staring at his blue eyes,
The stranger who sat purring, by the Milk Bar heater,
Was Billy the Kit, but cleaner and much neater.
Billy the Kit, he was good news in town,
He didn't cause fights when he hung around,
All the ladies that thought that Billy was swell,
Better know that he's settled down with Fifi LaBelle!
HOW BILLY THE KIT'N BEAT WILY WYATT PURR
Copyright 1995, SMIFFY
He was clean, he was lean and his one ear was keen,
Still the toughest fellow that you'd ever seen
And they called him Billy the Kit'n.
She was sweet, she was neat, with those dainty white feet
The cutest li'l lady cat that anyone could meet
And with Billy the Kit she was smitten.
Billy the Kit he was good news in town,
Never any trouble when he was around,
Lived with his ladyfriend, Fifi LaBelle,
He was a charming fellow, she was a smashing gal.
Fifi LaBelle, a fine upstanding lady,
Had tamed that old rogue Billy with his background shady,
Though he now was neutered and from fighting had retired,
He'd defend his ladyfriend if it was required.
Into the town, there came a mangy stranger,
Travelworn and wary, his dark fur smelt of danger,
He strode into the milkbar where Billy the Kit worked
Growling "Is Billy still tom enough to face Wyatt Purr?"
Now Billy was a neuter, but he hadn't run to fat,
Stood his ground and glared at that mean young tomcat,
"Sure I may be doctored, but that don't make me sissy,
Now git on out of my place, don't you try to mess me."
Purr he was a tough one, terrified the others,
All the local felines called him one mean mother,
Billy was a gentlecat, some might call him dapper,
But underneath his calm fur lurked a mighty scrapper,
All his years of roaming made him a cunning fellow,
"Purr, I'll lay a wager though I figger you're too yellow."
"Name your stakes," growled Wyatt, "Since you think you're so tough,
I will show your ladyfriend that you're no longer tom enough!"
Wyatt staked his tomhood, Billy staked his reputation,
On a clawfight at dusk, the town sent a deputation.
The showdown was fierce, claws were drawn at sundown,
Fifi watched her hero as did all the cats in town.
Though Wyatt was mean, Billy never gave ground,
Couldn't let that stranger run him and Fifi outta town,
Wyatt was a young tom, fit and fierce and mighty fast,
But Billy knew a trick or two from his shady tomcat past.
Though a few years younger and a fearsome fighter,
Wyatt lacked experience and was a few pounds lighter,
He bit and clawed and hollered, but Billy wasn't daunted,
And struck faster than a snake and still had breath for taunting.
When the fighters parted, Billy was bleeding but unbeaten,
Wyatt Purr was panting hard, stagg'ring on his four feet.
Billy hadn't turned soft since his operation,
Still the toughest cat in town, he kept his reputation.
Fifi called the doctor who took Wyatt to his clinic,
Purr left town next daybreak, his urge to fight diminished.
Word travels on the grapevine that Wyatt Purr the outlaw,
Took lodgings in the next town and doesn't fight or roam no more.
Billy the Kit he was welcome in town
No-one caused trouble when he was around,
He may not be a tomcat, in truth he's now much cuter,
But Billy's ballad goes to show you can be tough AND neutered!
THE LEGEND OF BILLY THE KIT'N
Copyright 1995, SMIFFY
Billy the Kit'n, he was lean, he was keen,
A solid nine pounds of mean fighting machine,
When he strutted into town, flexin' feline muscle,
The townsfolk all whispered that his middle name was 'Trouble'.
Whenever Billy needed a bit of fluff, some cheap thrills,
He swaggered on over to a joint called Diamond Lil's.
Billy the Kit'n was a fighter and a mixer,
Diamond Lil was a madam and a fixer,
When that rough tough tomcat came onto her scene,
Diamond Lil knew he didn't want no jaded tired old queen.
She had a showgirl posse and all her girls were smitten,
By that swaggering charmer known as Billy the Kit'n.
Annie was a Siamese, Lulu was a Persian,
Billy liked to visit them when he needed a diversion.
Into Lil's saloon bar, the Kit'n came a struttin'
Only three things on his mind - drinkin, fightin', ruttin',
Strode right up to the bar, caterwauled his greeting,
Winked at Diamond Lil and said "Darlin' who'm I meetin'?"
"I hear you've cleaned the vermin from the dump they call Mog City,
Trust your old friend Diamond Lil - I've got you someone pretty"
"Whenever I've been roamin' on my fightin' forays,
I come right back to your place - Lil you're a sight for sore eyes;
The gals in Mog City, they may be fine and dandy,
But the gals at your joint are sweet as sugar candy"
Lil knew Billy had his ladyfriends in every town and village,
Fathered all their kittens in between each sack and pillage.
Billy's eyes wandered, surveyed the dim saloon bar,
Through the smoky blue haze from catnip-scented cigars,
Poker players paused, they reckoned there'd be trouble,
Wondered how soon it would be till Billy started a rumble.
Billy spied a lady, looked as tough as he did,
Recognised her features from a poster labelled "Wanted",
Called Mary O'Ryan, once a showgirl and a singer,
Feared throughout the frontier as a tough clawslinger.
He sidled up beside her, made his introductions,
Hoping to impress her with a view to a seduction,
But where Lil's saloon girls were always interested,
Tough Mary O'Ryan just wasn't interested.
Billy got a bit too drunk, came on awful strong,
But the lady clawslinger refused to play along,
He tried to make his move on the gritty, frontier queen,
She curled her lip and snarled at him, lookin' awful mean.
Then the scene turned ugly, became a major scrap,
A savage queen of ferals and a lean mean tomcat.
Her claws struck home and Billy yelped, one ear a ragged mess,
He'd lost a fight and one ear to the toughest lady in the west.
He left town the same day, in search of gentler sport,
His torn ear a reminder of the lesson he'd been taught,
And Diamond Lil still tells tales of Billy's bar-room blitz,
It made her saloon famous and it entertains the kits.
Billy the Kit'n he was fearsome in a fight,
But he met his match in Diamond Lil's saloon that night,
He was tough, he was lean, in a fight he was mean,
The toughest one-eared tomcat that you'd ever seen,
He was the legend called Billy the Kit'n!