Purr Trek: The Feline Frontier


Captain Purrhard - Captain of the Starship Littertray
Commander Biter - First Officer of the Starship Littertray
Doctor Pusser - Ship's Doctor for the Starship Littertray
Mews O'Meowing - Chief Engineer of the Starship Littertray
Commander Cata - a Candroid, Science Officer of the Starship Littertray
Geordi LaFurr - Chief Engineer of the Starship Littertray
Deanna Claws - Ship's Counsellor for the Starship Littertray
Lieutenant Woof - Security Officer (a Springer) of the Starship Littertray

Plus incidental crewmembers.

Guest Appearances & Cameo Roles:

Mr Prrrp - Science Officer from the Starship Furball (a Sulking)
Captain Purrk - Captain of the Starship Furball
Mewhura - Communications Officer of the Starship Furball
Mr Mewlu - Of the Starship Furball
Mr Chuckup - Of the Starship Furball (a Russian Blue)
Bones ManxCoy - Ship's doctor from the Starship Furball
Mr Spot (Spotty) - Ship's Engineer from the Starship Furball

Purr Trek - The Feline Frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Littertray. Its 5 year mission: to explore strange new territories, to seek out new registries and new pedigrees. To boldly go where Felinekind has never gone before. {theme music}

"Captain's Log, Show date 20001020.10, Captain Purrhard reporting. The Littertray is on a routine mission to the Doggian System with emergency supplies of hydrants. The Doggians are currently sitting tight with their legs crossed. Luckily, we have Lieutenant Woof, a Springer from Doggia Prime, on board"

Scene: Counsellor Claws quarters. The counsellor is helping Ensign Snudger, a Astrometrics assistant, who has some personal problems. Snudger is nervously washing his whiskers.

Claws: Tell me, how long have you been refusing to use the litterbox?

Snudger: Since leaving TICA-Supreme. It seemed to do something to me. Suddenly I feel the need to constantly mark my territory.

Claws: It sounds to me as though you have problems with insecurity.

Snudger: I wanted to move into Security, but Purr Fleet Academy thought I was ideal Astrometrics material ....

Claws: Well that's not really what I meant ...

Claws' communicator badge bleeps and she answers it. It is Captain Purrhard on the bridge. Claws answers it and Snudger lifts a front leg and starts washing his belly.

Purrhard: Claws, can you come up to the bridge as soon as you can?

Claws: (to communicator badge) I'll be along right away Captain. (To Ensign Snudger) What I want you to do is every time you feel the urge to mark something, just hold back. Each time you'll be able to hold back a little longer. Also, make sure your litterbox is situated in a nice quiet place, away from the food replicator and remember to scoop it at least twice a day. I'll ask Dr Pusser to prescribe some anxiety medication which should help.

Snudger: Thank you. What happens if I can't control these urgers?

Claws: I'm sure that you'll do fine. Come and see me in three days' time. If things haven't improved at all then I'll get Dr Pusser to make an appointment to have you neutered.

Snudger leaves the room. On the way out, he sprays the side of Claws' door. Claws leaves, spraying the spot with some enzymatic odour banisher.

Scene - bridge of the Starship Littertray Mister Woof is dribbling at his display. Cata, a candroid built of Whiskas cans still with their labels on, is at his station.

Purrhard: Claws, tell me, what do you make of this? (puts recorded message on main view)

Recorded Message: Starship Littertray, you have entered the territory of the Furrengi ...

Purrhard: According to the message, the Furrengi bought this region of space in a yard sale and are prepared to use force against us. What I want to know is: are they bluffing?

The Furrengi keeps breaking off his message to scratch behind an ear-lobe, bat at motes of dust or nibble his back claws. At one point he sneezes, belches and brings up a monster furball.

Claws: He seems very agitated captain. I think he's hiding something.

Cata: According to the logs, this region is registered with TICA and CFA as neuter territory. Counsellor Claws may be correct. The Furrengi may have found something of value.

Purrhard: Then it's our duty to investigate. If the Furrengi have found something, I don't want them selling it to the Mogulans.

Woof: Captain, if the Furrengi have found something, then the Springer Empire are bound to take an interest. (Woof wipes his chin)

Purrhard: Woof, you seem to be drooling.

Woof: It's nothing Captain.

Biter: Nothing Mr Woof? There's drool all over the console.

Woof: It's a little embarrassing Commander, you recall that last planet we visited? Well I seem to have been infected by Dribbles.

Purrhard: Lay in a course straight into the neuter zone. Woof - keep shield up and scan for Furrengi vessels. (Into communicator) LaPurr - we may run into problems, I want full power from the engines. Cata - keep cat-scanning the area for anomalies.

The Littertray is deep in the neuter zone, so far there have been no further messages from the Furrengi. Woof is still drooling and Biter is having a mad moment, rolling on his back and batting at a catnip mouse. A trail of litter is tracked in the ship's wake.

Claws (to herself): We must do something about litter-tracking.

Cata: Captain, I believe I've found something ..

Suddenly the ship is rocked by an energy force. Biter jumps up, fur on end, and hisses at something only he can see. Them, slightly embarrassed he sits down in his chair and acts like nothing has happened.

Purrhard: LaPurr, Pusser, Woof - I want damage reports!

LaPurr (on speaker): Engines are down to 80%, I'm losing some of the diwhiskeran crystals.

Pusser (on speaker): Only minor injuries on all decks, Captain, but O'Meowing's wife Kitko is having kittens.

Woof: Shields still holding.

Cata: There's an anomalous structure straight ahead, Captain. And we're being hailed by a Furrengi vessel.

Purrhard: On screen.

The nervous Furrengi appears on screen. His whiskers are drooping and his fur is tattered. One of his ears is badly bitten and he has an abscess on his nose. He keeps scratching at the abscess.

Furrengi: Littertray, I advise you to leave the area. We are under attack by a Mogulan force.

The Furrengi ship is hit by a powerful explosion. The Furrengi captain is seen chattering to his bridge crew who are running about in all directions and sometimes hissing and swiping at any other Furrengi who gets in their way. Woof sighs, he can't work out why Furrengi aren't social animals like Doggians. Then the transmission fizzles out.

Cata: The anomalous structure is within viewing range.

Biter: On screen Mr Cata.

The main screen shows a star field with a white object dead center. Biter goes up to the screen and starts dabbing at it.

Biter: Cata, magnify!

The white object is enlarged until the familiar shape of the Starship Furball can be seen. At a sharp word from Purrhard, Biter quits dabbing at the screen.

Claws: (In amazement) It's the Starship Furball, according to Purr Fleet records she vanished with all hands in an uncharted region of space.

Woof: The Furrengi must have found her and intended to loot her. She'd be worth a great deal on the antiques market.

Cata: We are within hailing range and I've sent out signals on all frequencies, but I'm not getting any reply.

Purrhard: Put us within transporting distance. (To communicator badge) O'Meowing - I want you in the transporter room, I'm sending an away team to the Furball. Oh, and congratulations, O'Meowing - how many did she have.

O'Meowing (on communicator): I'll get right on it Captain. And she had six, all tabbies. Second litter this year.

Purrhard (to crew and communicator): Cata, Woof, Pusser - meet me in main transporter room. Biter - you're in charge. LaPurr - we may need you to get the Furball's engines back on line.

Claws: Captain, should I come with you? If there are crew aboard they may be disoriented and need behavioural therapy.

Purrhard: Good idea, let's go!

Scene - bridge of the furball. Four crewmembers from the Littertray materialise in the background. On the Furball, the seats are all shredded and there's a decapitated, half-eaten Mogulan on the floor. Someone has tried to scuff dirt over it. Various uniformed individuals appear to be sleeping curled up at their stations.

Pusser (using medical tricorder and sniffing sleeping crew): Life support systems are working. They're alive Captain, but their vital signs are very weak. They seem to be in some kind of stasis.

Cata (cat-scanning area and sniffing things): There appears to have been some sort of battle on the ship. I'm reading several dead Mogulans on board. The crew appear to have played with them before killing them.

Purrhard: LaPurr, go down to engineering and see if you can bring the engines on line. Get O'Meowing to send over some fresh diwhiskeran crystals if you have to. Cata - you analyse the ship's logs, Pusser and I will check here, Woof - take a look around the ship. Pusser - can we revive them?

Pusser (sniffing the person in the captain's seat): I'm not sure yet, but do you know who these people are?

Purrhard: The original crew of the Furball at a guess.

Pusser: That's right - this is Captain Purrk. He was rumoured to have had a quean in every star system. Goodness knows how many kittens he sired. Purr Fleet should have had him neutered long ago.

Purrhard: I never realised he was a mackeral tabby. The records show him as a blotched. I wonder how he ended up here?

Pusser: Typical tomcat I'd say - just roaming and seeking out mates. That's Mr Prrrp, the Sulking Science Officer. And Bones ManxCoy, the chief medical officer. Prrrp and ManxCoy could never get along, Prrrp should have ended up on a single-cat starship.

Purrhard: No wonder he was Sulking. I see they had them both declawed. (To communicator) Woof, have you found anything?

Woof (on speaker): Nothing Captain, they all seem to be asleep. I'm going to join LaPurr in the engine room.

Cata: Captain, I've accessed the ship's logs.

Purrhard: See if you can put them on screen.

A fuzzy image appears on screen. It is Captain Purrk. He has recorded the message while mating with a female crewcat. In the background, several crewmembers are fighting over who gets to go next.

Purrk's image: We are under attack by a large Mogulan fleet. We are out-fanged and out-clawed. Shields are down and Mr Prrrp and Spotty are re-routing all remaining power to the pee-ton torpedoes. Mr Prrrp plans to spray the Mogulan fleet. Unfortunately it will leave us without engines so Bones ManxCoy has put anesthetic gas into the air circulation system. If we survive the attack we will be left in stasis. If not, we will be put to sleep humanely. If you are reading this, then the specific antidote can be found at the Comm desk under Mewhura.

Purrhard: Well what are we waiting for? Cata - the antidote!

Commander Cata locates a small disk under Mewhura's left forepaw and puts it into a slot on her desk. Suddenly images of chittering birds and squirrels appear on screen. The crew begin to yawn and stretch. Mewhura sits up and washes her ears. At the helm, Mewlu stars washing under his tail and Chuckup heaves up a furball. Mewhura patches a transmission through to the speakers then goes to sit under the screen.

LaPurr (on speaker): Captain, the engines are back on line. The Furball's Chief Engineer, Mr Spotty was curled up under the matter-antimatter containment unit.

Spotty (on speaker): Yowl, yowl, meoow, snaaarl.

Purrhard: What's that? I seem to be having trouble with my Universal Translator.

Spotty (on speaker): Canna ya not unnastan a Scottish Fold accent when ye hear one?

The conversation is interrupted by the incoming transmission which Mewhura has put through to the main screen. Mwhura starts dabbing and hissing at the screen.

Biter (on speaker): Captain, there's a Mogulan ship approaching.

Purrk hisses and spits and his fur stands on end. Chuckup and Mewlu start hissing in alarm, then start grooming each other.

Purrhard: Biter, can you deal with them? And send Claws over here, I think we're going to need her to help reorient the crew.

Biter: We can deal with them.

Scene - Claws' room. The Mogulans have been driven off by the Littertray and the region is Neuter territory once more. Captain Purrk is talking with Claws; he is having behaviour therapy to help him adjust to modern life. Claws is washing one of his ears for him.

Purrk: So you say that the Scottish Fold has gained full Championship Status with the GCCF?

Claws: That's correct. It took a while, but finally the Governing Council had a change of heart and decided they wouldn't discriminate against races purely because of their ear-shapes. There are numerous Folds serving in Purr Fleet now.

Purrk: Spotty will be pleased.

Claws: Unfortunately, the Manx was banned because of its spinal problems.

Purrk: Bones won't want to hear that.

Claws: And there's a ban on indiscriminate breeding and definitely a ban on cross-breeding. That's why the mixed-breed Mogulans are at war with Purr Fleet.

Purrk gulps and starts washing under his tail. Claws twists round and starts washing her own back.

Claws: So I've made you an appointment with Dr Pusser for gender reorientation surgery.

Purrk (stops washing): What??!

Claws: You're going to be neutered.

Purrk rises and leaves the room. On the way out, he sprays defiantly.

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