What psychologist is not familiar with the concept of the Id, Ego and Super-Ego and their conflicting desires and restraints? Can there be anyone in the field who has not read about split purrsonality or, more correctly, Multiple Purrsonality Disorder? Is there any owner ignorant of the fact that their cat is a split purrsonality, an uneasy coexistence of domestic versus untamed? Though recognised informally by sensitive owners for decades, only recently has Feline Multiple Purrsonality Disorder (FMPD) been recognised by purr-psychologists.

Inside every cat there is a whole clowder of different purrsonalities all struggling to be expressed. Some will be expressed at the expense of others. Some will be repressed or denied. This denial of a purrsonality will cause inner conflict for the cat. Many cats resolve the conflict be switching between purrsonalities. This switching can cause stresses in the cat/owner relationship.

Purr-psychologists now recognise several complexes ("sets of related, conflicting or complementary, purrsonalities"). A single cat can exhibit multiple complexes and complex mixutres of types from various complexes e.g. tiger-kitten, tiger-parent, tame-parent etc.

One moment your fur-baby is a cute kitten cat playing with a jingle toy and chasing string and wanting you to mother him/her. The next moment s/he is a cat, disdaining such juvenile behaviour and remaining aloof from all you approaches - the cat who walks alone. Before your head stops spinning at the sudden transformation, a dead mouse is at your feet - fur-baby is mothering you with an offering of food.

Now the dilemma for the caring owner - do you play with the offering or fake eating it? Should you react in the role of child/equal/parent to complement your cat's kitten/cat/parent role and to avoid conflict? 

One moment kitty is a docile, cuddly love-rag. Then suddenly, without so much as a tail twitch of warning, kitty turns into a scaled down Siberian tiger and tries to tear your arm off. Kitty is evidently confused, but the owner is even more confused by Kitty's sudden change in personality.

Inside every tame kitty there is a savage tiger seeking expression. Whether the tiger-side is expressed by shredding the toilet roll, by disembowelling your favourite beanie toy or by depopulating the surrounding countryside of prey, it must find an outlet.

Even a neutered cat's thoughts sometimes turn to the thorny issue of sex, or more often to the puzzling fact that they aren't particularly interested in it. However, the right combination of pheromones can turn even the most chaste or celibate moggy into a raving sex-fiend who leaps with gay abandon onto your teddy bear, your miniature dachshund or even onto your own neck. It's time to change your perfume (how were they manufacturers to know they'd synthesised Eau de Tomcat or Essence of Oestrus Queen?), spay the dachshund and hide teddy. Or if the transformation is due to a rampant stray sitting in your garden, do the decent thing and take him or her to the cat shelter or arrange for trap-neuter-release.

Most such cats only display their Whore/Gigolo side occasionally. Many owners are quite happy for their pet to have a fulfilling relationship with an old woollen sweater. Just so long as you don't want to wear the sweater again. Though it may be more problematical explaining to Little Miss Hussy that (a) she's been snipped and (b) your leather handbag is not going to make wild, passionate love to her.

De Catto, Edward, "What Do You Say After You've Said Meow?", 1989, revised 1993

De Catto, Edward, "Meow - Beyond Yes and No" 1991

"When Cabbit Howls - The Story of a Cat Whose Alter Ego is a Rabbit" 1990

Purr-psychology Today, "The Three Faces of Fluffy - Case Study" Issue 19, January 1998

"Purrzac - Viable Alternative to Catnip in the Treatment of FMPD?" (clinical paper) 1998

Sufferers are excessively clingy and follow their owners everywhere. An afflicted cat clings to whichever part is most easily accessible and also exhibits advance Lap Fungus symptoms. When shut out of a room it cries pathetically, convinced it will never see you again. Since it can't survive for long without at least one part of it being in the same room with you so it squeezes a nose or paw beneath the door, waving the paw like a starving man's plea for food.

These cats can be trained to be excellent wigs or fur hats. They also make excellent hot water bottles on winter nights as everyone knows that cats can breathe through several layers of blankets or a Tog 13 duvet without the aid of a snorkel.

FELINE INTERMITTENT TRANCE SYNDROME

Symptoms

Intent staring into space or at mundane objects for a length of time. Symptom may last from several seconds to several minutes. The world record was set by a Siamese who unblinkingly studied a pattern in an Turkish rug for 3 hours, 53 minutes, breaking a long-standing record set by a Persian-cross who stared at an exterior brick wall for 3 hours, 42 minutes (the presence of ants on the brick wall led experts to question the validity of this record). A reported time of 3 hours 49 minutes by a domestic shorthair was disqualified when the cat was found to have fallen asleep.

Treatment

Successful attempts to treat a cat suffering from Obscuragaze have involved tuna, catnip, favourite toys and the dinging of a microwave oven. However, the cat may suffer irritability and other withdrawal symptoms which may be more distressing than the original ailment. Note: This syndrome may alternate with attacks of Greeblingz.

Afflicted cats exhibit excessive attention-seeking behaviour such as tormenting prey when you can witness the grand event and sulking if you don't respond gratefully to their gifts of decapitated mice. They have a flair for (melo)drama and over-reaction. Any cat which has ever received an Oscar nomination is an advanced sufferer.

The owner of a histrionic cat is the one whose cat story is always one-up on everyone else's cat story. A good script-writer or ghost-writer will allow you to cash in on your cat's purrsonality disorder e.g. "How to Live With a Feline Drama Queen" or "Fur and Loathing in LA". Under no circumstances should you ever attempt to upstage a Histrionic Cat.

An affected cat believes that its litter tray never stinks, that your new sofa is its personal scratching post and that it is entitled to the lion's share of the bed (see Bed-hogging, above). It knows it's irresistible and the only reason you hold a newspaper/knitting in your lap is so that it can rest on it while you gaze adoringly into its eyes. It knows that it is best admired when sitting right in front of the TV screen, obscuring the main action. A common feline disorder among cats, often explained away as "He doesn't know he's a cat."

All cats are narcissistic by nature, some more so than others. Occasional bouts of Narcissistic Disorder in a normally undemonstrative cat may be indicative of an underlying problem such as empty foodbowl or full bladder/no room in litter tray. Alleviating these symptoms may provide a temporary respite from the disorder. Try using a music stand when reading newspapers.

Highly independent and rarely seen, this cat is usually invisible. Only the mysteriously self-emptying food-bowl and used litter tray confirms that it exists. Some owners can go for years without knowing what their cat looks like. If it rubs against your leg it isn't a sign of affection, it means the doorway is narrow. All cats develop this purrsonality disorder at vaccination time.

Better to turn this disorder to your advantage e.g. if you plan to keep a cat in a 'pets not encouraged' residence.

A true Scaredy-Cat is afraid of its own shadow, your shadow and is afraid of you if you change your appearance. It is also scared of spiders, phobic about ping-pong balls and terrified of strange catfood. Merely getting it a new foodbowl can induce a panic attack. Cleaning the litter tray will leave it in blind panic until its bladder triumphs over its brain. Paranoid cats are not fooled by friendly behaviour - they know that a vet, even a friendly one, is about to ram a cold thermometer somewhere the sun doesn't shine.

The ideal companion for someone with the type of obsessive-compulsive disorder which means their routine/haircut/clothing style/diet never varies. Otherwise stick to a few basic rules: don't change hairstyle, don't follow fashion and never, ever change to a new brand of catfood. 

(See 'Greeblingz' in main ailments section) These cats are typified by doing the wall of death on your textured wallpaper, being unable to settle in one spot for more than a microsecond and giving the appearance of a cat which has just OD'd on a combination of Sanatogen tonic wine and caffeine. Some people have accused pet food manufacturers of putting amphetamine in cat food. Owners of such cats have wallpaper which looks like Evel Knievel has done several laps round it with metal-studded bike tyres. The intermittent nature of this disorder depends on how long the cat has to pause to catch its breath between attacks.

This behaviour is almost continuous during kittenhood, though most cats eventually grow out of it. In adulthood, it is generally restricted to one or two bouts per day. If you can't wait for the cat to grow up, Valium is a possibility. A couple of those and you won't care about shredded wallpaper.

The Schrodinger's Cat hypothesis is a quantum mechanics theory whereby a cat in a closed opaque box remains in an unknown or "indeterminate" state until the box is opened. In reality, Schrodinger Cats want to be on both sides of a door simultaneously, often manifested as dithering on the threshold in an undecided state. In advanced cases, the cat may be found inside a room when the owner knows it has been placed outside of the room. The room may have been secured with anti-burglar devices, but somehow the cat still appears inside it. The cat simply enters an indeterminate state until observed to be on the WRONG side of a closed door. Many Schrodinger's Cats are unable to operate cat flaps.

None. You can't change the laws of the universe. Hiring a maid whose sole duty is to open doors to let kitty in (or out) of various rooms, cupboards etc may give you a respite.