THE RULES OF WORK

*Showing a security guard a signed letter from the company's Chief Executive giving you a first class character reference will not gain you admission on site. Waving the Jack of diamonds[1] as you're driving past him is all the authority he needs to see [2].

*You can't park your unobtrusive and inconspicuous vehicle in an undesignated space in the car park for which you hold a pass, but you can leave your vehicle on double yellow lines at the most notorious accident black spot on site provided your vehicle is a 200 ft double trailer juggernaut.

*You can walk down a slippery icy hill where there is no footpath, on a busy road where no-one obeys the site speed limit. You must cross that road despite no safe crossing points (due to the illegal parking restricting your vision) and finally walk along the side of your office building under six storeys of scaffolding and overhead construction to reach your office. But you can't have your screen at the wrong angle because that's dangerous.

*Arriving for work 5 minutes late, grafting like a bastard all day then leaving 5 minutes early is completely unacceptable. Arriving on
time, leaving on time and doing sweet sod all for the eight hours in between is par for the course.

*Wearing your brand new Nike trainers in the office would be classed as dressing down, even though your normal footwear is 20 year old scruffy brown slip-ons that wouldn't fetch 25 pence at a jumble sale.

*You can't bring your slippers in and wear them in the office, but you can order yourself a pair of company issue safety boots and take them home.

*You can't say 'Good day' in the morning because people will call you Australian, but come the end of the afternoon everyone will say 'Good night' and think that's thoroughly British.

*Slumping so far back in one's chair that your shoulders are where your buttocks should be is an acceptable working stance. Slumping forwards over one's desk with one's forehead almost resting on the keyboard is only permitted between the hours 1pm and 2pm after which the slumping back stance must be resumed until 5pm.

*You can't read any part of a newspaper for as little as 30 seconds, but you can read the numerous selected Press Cuttings all morning.

*You can't complete your 10-minute teatime crossword in the privacy of the toilet during a 15-minute bowel movement, but you can spend 30 minutes in the middle of the office on full and public display trying to complete the company magazine prize crossword.

*You will raise no eyebrows making yourself a Batchelor's cuppa soup[3] with croutons in the office kitchen at 11.30am. But pour that same boiling water onto a Golden Wonder Pot Noodle[4] and you're taking the mickey.

*You can't nip over to the canteen at 12.50pm to buy a bag of chips and bring them back to the office in readiness for lunch at 1pm, but you can wander all around site at any other point in the day in pursuit of your favourite confectionery from the vending machines.

*You can't send your mate a joke via Email, but you can stand next to his desk for 40 minutes discussing the comedy on last night's TV.

*You can't sit at your desk eating a warmed up pasty from a plate using a knife and fork in the middle of the afternoon, but you can eat it if it's cold and you're eating it from its wrapper, holding it with one or two hands.

*Playing cards for money at lunch is not allowed in the office. Nor is the studying of racing form or the filling out of betting slips permitted during work hours. Placing your once-a-year bet over the phone is a dismissable offence. However, your boss is probably in your National Lottery syndicate, your individual lottery lines are probably stored on MS-Excel on a company PC, and pay-outs and collections take place on a weekly basis. Despite the company policy against gambling in the office, enthusiasm for the lottery has increased now that the football Pools syndicate man has retired.

*You can't use the company phone to ring your bank to find out your bank balance, but you can leave the office, stand at the inter-site bus stop for 10 minutes, catch the inter-site shuttle bus, travel to 'main site' to where the ATM (cashpoint) is located and get your balance from there. And then wait 10 mins for the return journey.

*And finally, during your day, remember: Being seen striding purposefully away from your office building within working hours is likely to cause suspicion. However, wandering aimlessly around site at a snail's pace with your thumb up your ass is perfectly acceptable as long as you have a piece of paper in your other hand.

FOOTNOTES

[1] Alternative security passes: Staff have successfully got past security using the following: A small piece of toast; a small, wrapped piece of fruit cake with a rectangular label; a bus pass; spouse's security pass from a totally different company; a fake pass with a cartoon character on it.

[2] Security in general: "Security waved me through one day even though I didn't have a pass - and had left the company 18 months earlier. I was returning for an interview."

[3] Cuppa Soup - sachets of soup you make in a cup and drink from the cup; UK "soup" is US "broth".

[4] Pot Noodle - instant Chinese noodles with flavouring, eaten with a fork much like spaghetti (Not noodle soup)

THE RULES OF WORK (US STYLE)

*Showing a security officer a signed letter from the company's CEO giving you a first class character reference will not gain you admission to the site. Waving the Jack of Diamonds, a small piece of toast, someone else's security pass or a fake pass showing a Disney character as you're driving past the security point him is all the authority he needs to see.

*You can't park your unobtrusive and inconspicuous vehicle in an undesignated space in the car park for which you hold a pass, but you can leave your vehicle on 'no parking' markings at the most notorious motor vehicle accident area on site, just so long as your vehicle is a 200 ft double trailer pantechnican.

*You can walk down a slippery icy hill where there is no sidewalk, on a busy road where no-one obeys the site speed limit. You must cross that road despite the lack of safe crossing points (due to the illegal parking restricting your vision) and finally walk alongside your office building under six stories of overhead construction work to reach your office. But you can't have your screen at the wrong angle because that's a health risk.

*Arriving for work 5 minutes late, working like a dog all day, skipping lunch, then leaving 5 minutes early is completely unacceptable. Arriving on
time, leaving on time and doing zilch for the intervening eight or nine hours is considered a normal work day.

*Wearing your brand new Nike trainers in the office is considered dressing down, even though your normal footwear is 20 year old battered slip-on shoes which even a thrift store would be ashamed to offer for sale.

*You can't bring your house slippers in and wear them in the office, but you can order yourself a pair of company issue safety boots and take them home.

*You can't say 'Good day' in the morning because people will call you Australian, but come the end of the afternoon everyone will say 'Have a nice day' and think that's thoroughly American.

*Slumping so far back in one's chair that your shoulders are where your butt should be is an acceptable working stance. Slumping forwards over one's desk with one's forehead almost resting on the keyboard is only permitted between 1pm and 2pm after which the slumping back stance must be resumed until 5pm.

*You can't read any part of a newspaper for as little as 30 seconds, but you can read the company newsletter or the numerous selected Press Cuttings all morning.

*You can't complete your 10-minute coffee break crossword in the privacy of the lavatory cubicle during a 15-minute bowel movement, but you can spend 30 minutes in the middle of the office on full and public display trying to complete the company magazine prize crossword.

*No-one will comment if you make up some instant cup-of-soup in the office kitchen at 11.30am. But pour that same boiling water onto a bowl of Ramen instant noodles and you have to be kidding.

*You can't go to the staff restaurant at 12.50pm to buy a bag of chips and bring them back to the office in readiness for lunch at 1pm, but you can wander all around site at any other point in the day in pursuit of your favourite candy from the vending machines.

*You can't send your mate a joke via Email, but you can stand next to his desk for 40 minutes discussing last night's "Friends" or "Will and Grace".

*You can't sit at your desk eating a hot pie from a plate using a knife and fork in the middle of the afternoon, but you can eat that same pie if it's cold and you're eating it from its wrapper, holding it with one or two hands.

*Playing Blackjack for money during lunchtime is not allowed in the office. Nor is the studying of horseracing form or the filling out of betting slips permitted during work hours. Placing your once-a-year bet by telephone or website is a dismissable offence. However, your boss is probably a member of your Lottery club, members' lottery lines are probably stored on MS-Excel on a company PC, and pay-outs and collections take place on a weekly basis during works time. Despite the company policy against gambling in the office, enthusiasm for the lottery has increased tenfold over the last few years.

*You can't use a company telephone to call your bank to query your bank balance, but you can leave the office, stand at the inter-site bus stop for 10 minutes, catch the inter-site shuttle bus, travel to 'main site' where the ATM is located and get your balance from there. And then wait 10 mins for the return journey.

*And finally, during your day, remember: Being seen striding purposefully away from your office building within working hours is likely to cause suspicion. However, wandering aimlessly around site at a snail's pace with your thumb up your ass is perfectly acceptable as long as you have a piece of paper in your other hand