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NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE (2000)

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2001) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

The following is the text of a message which was communicated to President Clinton at 07:30 (EST) today:

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Britannic Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II.

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP - for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. Future adult suffrage will be based in part on successful completion of compulsory spelling examinations which will focus on words like "colour" and "visualise" whose mis-spelling is endemic in the American colonies.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played in the girls leagues; it is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2015.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

11. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

12. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2001) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your co-operation.

November 8, 2000

To the Subjects of Her Majesty, the Queen of England,

To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to elect anybody as President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories including New Jersey. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:

1. Look up "revocation" in the now official Oxford Dictionary. Start spelling English words correctly.
2. Learn at least the first four lines of "God Save The Queen."
3. Start referring to "soccer" as football.
4. Declare war on Quebec and France.
5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason.
6. Close down the National Football League. Learn to play rugby.
7. Enjoy warm, flat beer and steak and kidney pudding.
8. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat.
9. July 4th is no longer a public holiday; this has been replaced with Nov. 5.
10. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take six weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks.
11. Driving on the left side of the road is now compulsory. Recall all vehicles to effect the change immediately.
12. Report to our Consulate General in New York for your new passport and job allocation.
13. Have Meg Ryan report to Prince Andrew's bedchamber.
14. Add the royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument and the Queen's Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.
15. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day.

November 8, 2000

To the Subjects of Her Majesty, the Queen of England,

In the light of your failure to prevent us from kicking you out in the 18th century and doing as we damn well please, we hereby notify you that you can keep it down over there before we take notice. Sure, historically America really doesn't pay much attention to the rest of the world. But when someone does catch our eye, we tend to carpet bomb them to a pre-industrial state. It may not be right, or fair, but it is a trend. I suggest you keep it in mind. To aid in your realization that you should pipe down, the following facts are listed:

1. American English is distinct from British English. Our aluminum is a lovely silver color, and we do not 'armour' our tanks, thank you.

2. When you can tell the difference between an Alabama and Louisiana accent, I'll pay attention to the difference between a Londoner's and a Yorkshireman's accents.

3. Rather than "God save the Queen"; you should learn "The Battle Hymn of the Republic". After all, if it weren't for American soldiers you'd speak German today, twice over. And if it weren't for American bread, butter, etc., you would have been starving while we saved your little old island from the Hun.

4. If I were to throw an American football block on football player, he'd be out of the game and I'd be ejected. If I were to throw a real tackle on a rugby player, he'd be maimed. The pads in American football are to keep you from being crippled or killed. Just because rugby players tear their ears in a group hug called a 'scrum'doesn't make them tough. You want tough? You put YOUR arms in theair while a 322 pound (46 stone) man slams into you at a dead sprint and still catch the ball. That's tough.

5. If you can't settle the French's hash, find someone else. After all, they have lost to everyone *but* the British this century.

6. The irony of a Brit complaining about American cars is too much. I've driven British cars and they're like a Hyundai, but poorly made. When someone else comes up with an idea as good as the muscle car, we'll think about it.

To sum it all up, we really aren't interested in your opinion.

To the imperialist British colonizers.

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".

8. November 5^th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5^th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.

12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.

Footnote: Resistance is futile. Just ask Hawaii. By the way, Ireland and Scotland should be separate states. They have entirely different cultures and languages from the Norman fops. To avoid supporting third world countries and welfare states (the reason for NOT annexing Mexico), Canada, Australia, New Zealand, should become independent nations. The Falkland Islands should become an "American Protectorate" like Puerto Rico, Samoa, The Philippines, Guam and other places that are neat to vacation. America should take back Hong Kong immediately.

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

PS: regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

Hi there Liz,

Ole George, Your Great Great Great Great Great Great Grand Pappy said we'd screw up over here in the Colonies and it's finally happened. This time it's got nothin to do with me, at least that's what my advisors say. I have really tried to stay outta the news and away from the babes to help Gore but he's no Goddamn use anyhow. He screwed up by himself this time. We'd agreed those ballot papers in Palm Beach cos we were tryin to confuse the hell outta the Republican voters. Guess that one back fired.

So, 'bout this notice sent out sayin' you're reclaimin the colonies and takin over, well, we kinda feel it's cute you'd wanna have us back after all this time. One concern though, 'bout those back taxes, we need time to pay. Pretty soon I aint gonna have a job. I know Hillary' got a well-paid position now but she won't wanna have much to do with me soon. She's still mad at me 'bout Monica. Every time I light a cigar she still cries and throws stuff.

As for the national anthem. Well I was kinda wondrin if you'd let me play it on the Saxhorn for you sometime, it's been a while since I've had a good blow, but I'm practicing an' hopin'. Had a word with the boys at the Pentagon 'bout nukin France and Quebec. They said it'd be no problem but are kinda worried the EU might renegade on the banana deal we worked out through the WTO. Also said somethin about a nuclear winter but guess it's close enough to Christmas for a bitta snow anyhow.

You know Liz, one of the requests does kinda suck. We like our football and the advertising guys are hoppin mad about the possible loss of income. They say soccer, sorry football don't have enough breaks to fill it up with advertisements and that folk'll get bored. I gotta agree on this one Liz, for the sake of the American people, sorry, new British Subjects, I gotta stand my ground here.

Anyhow, gotta go blow the horn with Monica and get learnin' this new tune. Oh one more thang, don't suppose Tony could give me a job could he?

Seeya,
Bill

The following announcement was found in a corrugated iron outhouse West of Alice Springs -- some fecal matter has been removed but the text is still fairly clear, despite the beer stains.

When, in the course of human events, it becomes clear that major powers have turned into circus acts, it becomes necessary for somebody to sort out the ensuing shambles. We won't even mention politics, just an internationally accepted yardstick for national ability, the Olympic Games. Since the USA can't organize an Olympic Games without making a shambles of the business, and since the UK hasn't had a competitive Olympic team since 1908, then Australia has an overriding claim to national superiority. It remains true, of course, the US Olympic team won the most medals in the last games, whilst Australia came fourth, but that only proved that on a population basis it takes eight times as many Septic Tanks to win an Olympic gold medal as it takes Australians. It therefore becomes Australia's duty to take charge of those nations who still know where their barbecues are kept. Washington and London will now take their guidance from Canberra. Canberra used to be an excellent cow paddock but became the site of the political capital of Australia, which means there's far more bullshit there now than there ever was before.

An address will be provided to those that need to communicate with the Australian government: one side of a postcard only please, and replies can be expected within a year or so. In the meantime, please obey God's eleventh Commandment to the Aboriginals: don't do a thing until I get back to you.

Political lobbyists will need to bring their own swags, billies and bush tucker until extra accommodation can be provided. (See below: "Waltzing Matilda"). Visitors can also expect to find themselves being sprayed with insecticide by customs officials when arriving on Australian soil. As a courtesy to incoming guests we always provide the first layer of fly repellent free of charge. The other sixty five daily applications are your responsibility.

You have our permission to say the word 'aluminum' any way you wish. Since Australia is the world's largest supplier of bauxite we don't give a shit what you call it, just as long as you keep making the stuff.

Place names in all English speaking countries from now on should be clear, simple and straightforward for all English speakers. Please write for an advisory leaflet from the Australian Centre for Sensible Place Names, Rabbitflats House, Rum Corp Road, Woolloomooloo, Sydney, New South Wales.

Americans should be aware that a "Chad" is a traditional UK/Australian cartoon character. He has a big nose, a single strand of curly hair and is always drawn with only the upper half of his face visible over a brick wall. Equally traditionally, Chad is always saying: "Wot! No ...?" Only the last word is altered to suit the occasion. At present, of course, the inscription would read: "Wot! No President?" A piece of paper punched out of a ballot paper is technically known internationally as shit-for-brains, since everybody else in the world has a population which is capable of drawing an X on a ballot paper. Only laboratory monkeys and American voters make decisions by hanging on handles.

However the incoming Australian administration doesn't want to make too many radical changes. Simply be aware that in future the US and UK will be required to follow Australian voting procedures and that from now on it is a criminal offence for a citizen not to vote. Or at least it's an offence not to attend a voting station. What you do in the booth is up to you. But at least there's no need to spend any more time and money in trying to persuade voters to turn out. We, in turn, will abandon the proportional representation system. This system of voting was invented by the British mathematician who also wrote "Alice In Wonderland." Not surprisingly, the results are always a Mad Hatter's Tea Party.

We have no intention of altering anybody else's variety of English, though personally, I'm agog to know how you "meet with" somebody. Either you meet them or you don't. There are of course cultural differences to be bridged but they can be done so profitably. For example, street kids in the US who deserve jail terms will instead be compelled to watch a four day cricket match and to answer questions afterwards: our own juvenile delinquents will be forced to watch the entire collection of Letterman shows and then to try to explain why the audiences laughed at any part of them.

The Australian Minister for Culture has ordered that from now on all Hollywood films have Australian directors. Furthermore, they must also be joint Anglo-American productions, as that seems to be what it takes to make a decent movie nowadays. "Notting Hill" and "Shakespeare in Love" for example. We also demand a re-make of "Dr Strangelove" starring Bruce Willis: the highlight of the film is going to be when he gets dropped out of a B-52 riding on top of a nuclear bomb. Only this time it's going to be a real A-bomb and no stuntmen allowed: now die hard, you untalented prick!

Oh yes, and all films are to be shot in Australia, where we have the sort of weather California thinks it has. We also have the best of everything else, including women, and at half the price in the States. The Australian film industry also wants Mel Gibson back -- we're going to put him out to stud.

There is no need to change your national flags. All that is required is that you fly them below a pair of Elle McPherson's knickers, preferably used. The new international anthem, of course, is "Waltzing Matilda". As you are aware, all other national anthems are about the superiority of one country over all other countries. "Waltzing Matilda" is about a sheep thief getting caught by the cops. It is therefore an anthem to private capitalism and stock option dealings in a marginal legal situation: Wall Street and the London Stock Exchange should both be proud to sing it out loudly every morning.

From now on the only code of football which will be allowed in international matches is Australian Rules Football. American football looks like a bunch of panic stricken plane handlers fighting to get off the deck of a sinking aircraft carrier: UK football looks like a gang of kids trying to pass the time in the yard of a school for the mentally retarded. Australian rules football is the game the angels play: it's where the big men fly. Please be aware that in Australian English, to 'root' for a team means to have sexual intercourse for it, or with it. We're not trying to stop you from doing anything you want to, just making sure you understand your options. Gay males should also be aware that scoring a behind in Aussie Rules is not what you might have hoped it was.

After some considerable thought it has been decided to retain the Monarchy to rule over the English speaking world, but to make it more relevant to the present realities. Bill Gates will therefore be crowned King Geek The First. Hell, he owns most everything, so we might as well make it official. There's no point in building him a palace as he already lives in one, so Buckingham Palace will be turned into a backpacker's hostel for young Australians visiting the Former UK -- or Fukland, as it will have to be renamed. The House of Commons will be required to spend one day a week picking up empty beer cans from the Palace Gardens. Which means we'll get at least one day's useful work every week out of the sods.

Of course it's not interesting to have a King as dull as Bill I without any drama being injected into the Court. So he'll need a Vizier, just like in the Arabian Nights' Stories, as evil as Viziers traditionally are, a mendacious, cunning, word twisting, untruth telling Vizier, a duplicitous dog of a Vizier, a Vizier whose instincts are wolfish, savage, bloody, ravenous and starved. Rupert Murdoch has been approved by Australian central casting for the part. The duties of Vice Vizier are to be carried out by Homer Simpson. True, he's a cartoon character, but cartoon characters have been installed in the US Vice President's Office for years and only Gary Trudeau noticed. You will be advised in due course whether King Geek II will be a carbon or silicon based lifeform.

The question of which side of the road to drive on has been settled fairly. From midnight to twelve, it's on the right, from twelve to midnight it's on the left, and every alternative Thursday when there's a 'r' in the month and a full moon you can drive during the hours of darkness directly along the top of any white line you fancy. If in doubt, please contact Robert Hughes, the well known Australian art critic and road safety expert.

Unfortunately, but in line with world opinion, we are going to have to insist on the cessation of capital punishment for criminals. However, we are prepared to strap offenders to an electric chair and force them to eat a Vegemite sandwich: if they decide they'd rather have the current turned on instead that's their choice. Vegemite is technically a yeast extract but to non-Australians tastes something like what your great grandparents might do if you dug them up, scraped some of the residue off the coffin walls and put it between two slices of bread. But although consuming Vegemite is not compulsory, all non-Australian citizens will be required to eat shark in their fish and chips. Except for lawyers, who are excused on the grounds of professional courtesy.

Of course all non-Australian beer is to be immediately poured away down drains and replaced with real beer: beer as cold as liquid oxygen, beer with more punch than Mike Tyson, beer which biteth like a serpent and stingeth like an adder, beer you can taste three blocks away from the pub. All the Milwaukee slops can go back into the barmaid's apron they were squeezed out of and as for British beer ...

Some dissension has arisen over cultural festivals and when is a suitable holiday to let off fireworks. Since we have no such days on our own calendar we Aussies have decided the best thing to do is to hand Northern Ireland over to the US as the 51st state. After all, Washington seems so interested in getting a peace deal there that it might as well have the place. The idea is that the British get to let off their fireworks when the last British soldiers leave Ireland, and the Irish factions will supply the US Peace Keeping forces with fireworks enough thereafter.

Of course there are arguments that America is too powerful and too rich have any outside system imposed on her, and also that Americans are too proud to truckle to any kind of a King. These arguments are, of course, specious. Too powerful? kicked out of Southern Vietnam, bombed out of the Lebanon, self defeated at Desert One, ejected of Ethiopia, not quite up to snuff for a ground war in Kosova, unfortunately unavailable for East Timor, scuttled by a rowing boat. What's the matter, can't you find somebody your own size? Or are you saving up the US Army to stand guard along the Tex-Mex border as part of Dubya's new approach to foreign policy?

Too rich? Don't like Kings? Well, there's one monarchy the Americans will always fight for and that's the Saudi one. And everybody in the West knows why. If Saudi Arabia stopped selling oil the "CLOSED" signs would go up on gas stations right across the states and the West would have an economic down turn which would make the 1930's Depression look like just a bad day at the office. Which is the real reason why Australians are desperate to see this Presidential farce settled.

Look, our Prime Minister is not exactly a charismatic super star. He could get lost in a crowd of two. Our Leader of the Opposition looks like a stranded whale in a suit. But they're both smart enough to know that if the US keeps on supporting Israel in the Jews' totally ruthless suppression of the Palestinians there's eventually going to be a reaction from the Arab masses. The day that Omar Bin Laden becomes the President of the Peoples' Democratic Republic of Saudi Arabia is a day nobody in the West wants to see. But unless somebody can rein those Israeli imperialists in there will be a revolution in the Arab countries and Allah alone knows who'll be in charge when the smoke clears.

Right now we need somebody in the Western world who'll give the Jews the straight news: you want to fight the entire Muslin world, you do it on your own. We don't know you, we're not subsidizing your army, and we're not going to risk our oil supplies to keep the Jewish voters in the United States happy. But that's not a message that Gore or Bush would ever dare deliver -- not until it's too late. But they're all that we've got, and we haven't even got one of them yet. No wonder everybody else in the West is screaming in frustration. The Americans will still be squabbling away in the courts over a bunch of geriatric generated votes until the streets of enemy occupied Palestine are filled with dead Arabs -- and when somebody lets off a suitcase nuclear bomb somewhere in revenge the only response from Washington will be more brainless screams of outrage about terrorism.

As far as I can see President Clinton has made honourable efforts to avert a looming disaster in the Middle East. But now the Ringmaster is leaving and all we've got left are two clowns taking turns at kicking each other's butts. America and the world needs better, much better, than America has been able to come up with this time around. And now it looks as if everything which has made the US a great country is going to be dragged through the filth of the courts by a bunch of low life lawyers.

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a President and thus to govern yourselves properly, Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has revoked your independence, effective immediately. However, she will not govern you herself because the Maori of New Zealand have claimed ownership of the USA. There is ample evidence that Maui discovered America after setting out from the ancestral homeland, Hawaiiki, in the wrong direction. Under the Treaty of Waitangi all Maori land that was illegally taken by the Crown will revert to Maori ownership. Ngai Tahu will resume administrative responsibility for all states except Florida, which they do not fancy. Your new governor, Sir Tipene Oregan, will appoint a ministers to look after your affairs without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to an Aotearoa-New Zealand Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the New Zealand and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast Russell Crowe and Tem Morrison as good guys.

5. You should relearn your new national anthem, "God Defend New Zealand" in English and Maori, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. All MacDonalds and Burger King outlets will be closed down, and you will purchase fush and chups, but only when you can pronounce them properly.

7. Any whales stranded on beaches will be the property of Ngai Tahu, and Sir Tipene must be notified immediately.

8. You will stop playing American "football". It is a dreadful game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football ie. rugby, which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full body armour like poofters. Initially, it would be best if you played in the women's competition. It is a difficult game, but with training you should be able to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

9. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde.

10. July 4th will no longer be a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, called "Indecision Day".

11. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you Holdens, you will understand what we mean.

12. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

13. Failure to comply with the above will be taken very seriously and result in the severest of punishments - Roger Douglas will be put in charge of your economy, and it will serve you right.

Thank you for your co-operation.

To the citizens of the United States of America.

1. In the light of your failure to elect a President of the United States, and thus govern yourselves, we hereby give you notice of the Revocation of your Independence, effective today.

2. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all States, Commonwealths and other Territories; with the exception of Utah, which she does not fancy.

3. Your new Prime Minister, The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who do not know that there is a world outside of your borders, will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

4. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you have noticed.

5. To aid in the Transition to a British Overseas Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect.

i. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up the word “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
ii. Generally you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”
iii. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
iv. You should learn to distinguish between the English and Australian accents. It really is not that hard.
v. Hollywood will be required to occasionally to cast English actors as the “Good Guys”, and Canadian actors not as Americans with funny accents.
vi. You should relearn your original National Anthem, “God Save the Queen”. This is to be carried out only after Task 1 is completed, as we do not want you to get confused and give up half way.
vii. All Law Enforcement Agencies will be replaced with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, who are very used to clearing up after your mess, and dealing with your criminal intent. They do reserve the right to shoot you just because you are American.
viii. You should declare war in Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any Merde. The 98.85% of you who are not aware that there is a outside of your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the “Bad Guys”. Merde is the French word for *beep*
ix. July the 4th is no longer a Public Holiday. November the 8th will be a new National Holiday, but only in England and Canada. This will be called “Indecisive Day”.
x. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap anyway, and it is for your own good. You will understand when we show you a German car.
xi. Please tell us who shot JFK. We know it’s one of you but it’s been driving us nuts for years!

6. The preceding points are to be put into effect immediately. Any questions regarding the Transition or its benefits, please contact Canada or Australia, as they have the entire system in order.

7. Thank you for your co-operation.

Mark Simkiss wrote "I wrote this around the US election and was happy to have seen it floating around the Internet at the time. I find the whole thing particularly interesting being an American of both English and Irish decent, and the humor of the whole thing makes me smile every time I read any of the emails related to the situation. Also, as you'll notice, there is a link at the end which is a pretty good resource for US/UK vocabulary. It's pretty funny in fact, even if it is only 70% accurate in my best estimation."

To those with the ability to read English, moreover, to speak it and have one’s accent understood, and to those for whom humor is seen in "humor" and "humour", this is the American response to "mum’s" response to our dilemma in America.

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, to the Commonwealth of Nations, including, but not limited to, Canada (which is already a state, excluding Québec), Australia, New Zealand, Bermuda, Jamaica, etc., and any other nation lacking the inspiration to create for themselves a national flag not resembling the Union Jack:

In light of the fact that although America stands firmly on her own two feet, this nation has been formed with ideas derived from some of the children of the best free thinkers in 17^th century Great Britain, and has been rooted in such. Therefore, the citizens of the United States of America hereby impose the following decree as our birth rite:

1. Like our "mother" has previously done, the citizens of the United States of America now impose unilateral colonization upon the above fore-mentioned "nations," which are for this day forward to be deemed and to which referred, "Colonies of the United States of America."

2. As "mum" taught us best, none of the Colonies shall have any representation in our globally expansive government, however, fear not as they will be taxed thrice as heavily as any of the members of the Original Fifty States, and this shall be deemed a privilege.

3. All currency in ridiculous color-coded Monopoly board game pastels shall be destroyed and replaced with the correct currency colors of green, black, and white. Failure to forfeit such will be treated as both servile insurrection and submission of testimony on one’s behalf to illiteracy and need for color to sort one’s purse.

4. The President of the both the United States of America and her Colonies shall be determined by the residents of the state of Florida consisting of mostly senior citizens, expatriated Canadians, Cuban refugees, and in the future – the now disbanded British Royalty. This will be deemed a fair representation for all.

5. English will be removed as the official language of the former UK and the former Commonwealth of Nations as well as the like for English and French in Canada. The Colonies will conform to the United States’ policy of no official language as the English language is to be enriched with the words of the world, not purified of them.

6. Police will no longer be called Bobbies in the UK. The appellation of "toque" for a cap or hat will be forbidden in Canada. Words spelled like "centre" will not be removed, but restricted. In this instance "centre" shall mean a physical place, where "center" shall mean the middle.

7. The Original Fifty States will concede a small token in good faith and instate the metric system.

8. The Oxford English Dictionary shall be renamed the Harvard-M.I.T. Dictionary of the Global English Language.

9. Excluding the incontrovertibly inevitable linguistic derelicts of any society, all members of the Colonies shall be required to keep a vocabulary on par in volume with that of the current average American of the day, and not simply Standard Received English as is spoken by many Geordies, Scots, Welsh, Nova Scotians, and Southern States Americans.

10. Obsolescent pronunciations such as "roit" for right, "ad-ver-tiss-mint" for advertisement, which by the way will pick-up a ‘z’ to replace the ‘s’ in the former American spelling, shall be banned.

11. Any citizen of America or her Colonies caught speaking the letter ‘z’ as ‘zed’ shall be latched into the town center’s stocks, head and hands, for the townspeople to mock.

12. The citizens of America’s Colonies, with the exception of Canada, shall be required to actually read the spelling of ‘aluminum’ as used in the Original Fifty States, to conceptualize how it is not said with ‘-inium’ as the ending pronunciation. These individuals will be screened as per items number three (3) of this list.

13. The existence of ‘types’ of English shall be abolished. All English, e.g. U.S. English, U.K. English, Canadian English, etc., shall be called English, with the exception of Scots English, which will now be called Greek.

14. The second level of all buses, a.k.a. lorries, coaches, etc., will be removed.

15. Education will commence to eradicate the jousting gene from the citizens in Colonies where the medieval idea of driving on the left still exists, including the U.S. Virgin Islands.

16. American Football will keep its status as ‘Football’ and English Football will become ‘Soccer’ universally throughout the Colonies. This means France will have to change to "Le Soccer" or "Le Soc."

17. There will be no more warm beer, and the citizens of the Colonies will no longer be subjected to watered-down macro beers such as Budweiser and Miller. Real American beer will be had by all.

18. Everyone in the former British Isles shall be required to see an orthodontist on a regular basis.

19. Time shall be referred to as the following: WDC + 05:00 in London.

20. The new states of England, Scotland, Wales, British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Ontario, Québec, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland & Labrador, Price Edward Island, New Brunswick, Nunavut, Western Australia, Northern Territory, Queensland, New South Wales, Victoria, South Australia, Tasmania, New Zealand, Antigua, Barbados, Bahamas, Belize, Salomon Islands, St. Kitts & Nevis, St. Lucia, St. Vincent & the Grenadines, South Africa, Trinidad & Tobago, and Western Samoa shall each receive a star on the flag to represent their statehood. In addition, the Northwest Territories and the Yukon Territory will be renamed the state of Arctic and the state of Yukon, respectively - each receiving a star to represent their statehood as well. Finally, Puerto Rico, American Samoa, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and Guam shall all be granted statehood and issued a star on the flag. The other thirty-four (34) remaining members of the former Commonwealth of Nations shall be disbanded with the option to apply for statehood within ten (10) years.

21. Hong Kong will be returned to Colony status - we do not bow to China.

22. As of November 21, 2000, 57% of Americans from the Original Fifty States were proficient in more than one (1) language, representing 157,691,225 people speaking two (2) or more languages and over 90,000,000 who speak a language other than English at home. All Colonies will be required to maintain that 50% of their territorial population can speak more than one (1) language, with the exception of Quebec, where, due to the prevalence of French, 80% of the inhabitants shall be required to be bilingual or better.

23. The Colonies will now be permitted to purchase the good American cars and will no longer be restricted to the bottom of the line models, as is prominent in Europe.

24. Outside the Original Fifty States and the former Canada, the numbering system shall be reorganized as such: 000 = thousand; 000,000 = million; 000,000,000 = billion; 000,000,000,000 = trillion; 000,000,000,000,000 = quadrillion, and so forth.

25. Measuring your weight in stones will only be permitted when inebriated.

26. (Now-defunct link to humour article about America) - This site is only about 70% accurate but humorous.

27. (Now-defunct author email address) - send me a note.

In the light of the American people's inability to elect a new president, the British Government have revoked the Declaration of Independence. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, has placed the USA on the real estate market. Monies raised shall contribute to the upkeep of the British Monarchy.

So far, land has been allocated to the following parties by Royal Decree:

ENGLAND. Wish to reclaim and retain their original East Coast territories e.g. New England, Massachussetts, Virginia etc etc. These parts were colonised in the time of Queen Elizabeth I so it would be neat if they were reclaimed by Queen Elizabeth II. Any exceptions to this are as noted below and are granted out of Her Majesty's generosity to fellow European nations. We don't actually want to live in these places, you understand and, in due course, we will ship out our unemployed or undesirables to these states since Australia won't accept them any more.
THE NETHERLANDS. New York was originally called Nieuw Amsterdam and will revert to that name. The term "yankee" is derived from the Dutch "Jan Kees" ("John Cheese" - a generic person) and the willingness of certain parties to call themselves or others "Yankees" is the manifestation of a subconscious desire to return to being a Dutch territory. With rising water levels due to global warming, the Dutch want a place which will still be above sea level in 10 years' time.
NORTHERN IRELAND. Since the US is so damned interested in Northern Irish affairs and has bigger St Patrick's Day celebrations than the Irish in their native country, it seems sensible to relocate the Irish to Utah (demonstrating that Her Majesty has a sense of humour). A state will be bought for them as a gift from the British Government. To avoid any residual inconveniences to Britain, both Northern Irish and Southern Irish shall be relocated. They'll fit right into the gun-culture and it will save on postage costs for NORAID. Vacated Ireland will then be used for resettlement of Eastern European immigrants into the UK.
ISRAEL. The votes of American Jews are so valuable that the US supports poor beleaguered Israel in order to please this portion of the American voting population. Rather than fight over a little bit of desert stuck in the middle of a bunch of Muslim countries, it seems sensible to simply relocate all Israelis to America. Jerusalem can be recreated in Hollywood where it will be bigger and better than the original without the inconvenience of being a war-zone. "Jerusaland" will be a theme park in Southern Florida. Since all Israelis do National Service in the Army, they will provide an immediate police/security force - and one without obesity problems. Israel will therefore have most of Southern Florida, excluding Miami which will go to Cuba.
CUBA Will get Miami, Florida. They currently have it in all but name. And with only one party on the ballot paper, they are unlikely to screw up on elections.
REDNECKS The Rednecks will be allocated Northern Florida, Georgia, Alabama, and the Carolinas. No-one else wants to live there. Incest and trailers will be mandatory in these states.
CANADA. They're only next door so Her Majesty is going to award them 'that scruffy bit of land next to their back yard' and ask them to get it decently under control. That way, they can let Quebec declare independence or sell itself to France and not be inconvenienced by the loss of a scrap of land.
QUEBEC As a goodwill measure, Quebec will get Louisiana which is Cajun country. No-one else wants the place since the staple diet of crayfish is considered unfit for human consumption. In winter, they can all close up Quebec and head south to warmer climes. Quebec/Louisiana will be renamed 'North Arcadia' and 'South Arcadia'.
FRANCE Will be co-owner North and South Arcadia.
MEXICO. The number of legal and illegal immigrants into the US makes parts of the US Mexican by default. Spanish is becoming the main language in many parts and Hispanics the main ethnic group. Might as well make it official. No-one's going to notice the difference. Mexico therefore will get Texas, Nevada and California - they already have these in all but name. The Pacific Ocean will eventually claim coastal California anyway.
ITALY New Jersey will go to Italy who already control it anyway via the mob. Only the paperwork remains to be filed ...
JAPAN They will get Hawaii … at long last. Sumo wrestling will be the Hawaiian national sport.
TEXACO Have put in a bid for Alaska. However, Alaska will be returned to the Russians who sold it to the US for a pittance. They can then sell the oil on to Texaco and get the Russian economy going again.
GERMANY Germany will get Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. The "Pennsylvania Dutch" are in fact of German origin. Pennsylvania will be turned into a special reserve (a "living museum") for reclusive religious orders which shun the trappings of modern life such as Shakers, Amish and Pennsylvania Dutch.
UNITED NATIONS Will take control of all American Armed Forces. We mean the real armed forces, not the private militias. Private militias are, of course, free to apply to Sierra Leone where there are plenty of employment opportunities, unless of course you are racist in which case South Africa may be more appropriate. That way the UN-controlled US Forces can come along and beat the sh*t out of you just like they've always wanted to do, but never been allowed to do.
ARYAN NATION Aryan Nation will get Idaho. Idaho will become a white supremacist state. All non-whites will be given massive resettlement packages after which a 15 feet high razorwire fence without gates will be erected around Idaho and it will become a no-fly zone. Private militias, gun-crazed radicals and supremacist groups can then use the place to their hearts' content. It will be a closed state so they can only wipe out each other due to having no-one else to wipe out. Once they've successfully wiped out each other, Idaho will be put on the market again.
NATIVE POPULATION A bit of South Dakota will be allocated in perpetuity to the American Indians. They will also get Manhattan Island back. Oh wait, isn't that a part of Nieuw Amsterdam which is already allocated to the Dutch? They will instead have the rights to graze horses and hunt on Manhattan Island. But we'd like our beads back please.
ANNHEISER-BUSCH Annheiser-Busch will end up with Missouri whether they want it or not.
ILLEGAL ALIENS An alien is an extraterrestrial. A person from another country is a 'foreigner' not an 'alien'. Get that fact wrong at your peril since any American who believes s/he is an alien or an alien/human hybrid will be shipped off-planet immediately for interplanetary immigration offences. After that, it's up to you to find your way back to your planet of origin or get your parent to come pick you up. Any American wishing to opt out of this deal by being abducted by aliens is free to do so. Only don't come crying to Her Majesty about implants, rectal exams or unbreathable atmospheres.
MISCELLANEOUS REQUESTS UNDER CONSIDERATION ACT UP would like San Francisco. Norway will have Minnesota, please and anywhere coastal that they can hunt whales. Microsoft will have Washington State. Bill Gates will have the big White place, please. Intel will have Oregon. Ford want Michigan

"Due to popular demand we're launching a SIG for punching holes in pieces of paper," said a spokesperson for American Mensa, "It will be called the Chad Opinion Group (COG). We plan to have an online 'Chad-room' where our members (COGnescenti) can exchange views about hole-punching and we produce a monthly newsletter devoted to Chadding Techniques. It's a very emotive issue - the relative merits of clean-cut chads, pregnant or dimpled chads, hanging chads, chads in paper, cardboard and other materials and any other type of chad you care to mention."

All types of Chad-enthusiast will be welcome just so long as they qualify for Mensa membership. Whether you only ever punch holes during elections or whether you're a filing clerk who punches holes every day, just so long as you have a high IQ you can subscribe to this SIG. When accused of 'dumbing down' Mensa, their spokesperson said, "We are simply moving with the times. There's a great deal of interest in chads right now and the Florida ballot papers proved that you need a high level of intelligence to punch out chads properly."

My fellow Armenians,

As I stand here today looking over this magnificent viagra, I think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a fresh, bipolar approach. I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city, and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it. Americans have made their decision. They don't need sympathy; they need ablutions. We need to move on beyond the petty armadilloes. Politics doesn't have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie higher. A high pie lets everyone put food on their family and their family on the table. That's my record: I side with the people. And the B-side of my record is Billy-Joe Gibbs and the Shoeshine Boys singing "Streets of Laredo." A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his baseball team's families, but all American families. I don't believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and who are the wrong Americans. All of us together, white or wrong, black or right. Or perversely. That's why my tax cut is as broad as we are. And it will give our expansion a timely dose of wind.

I say there is a cost to inaction. I haven't done the acrobatics, but it's probably around a trillion dollars. That's a good round sum to offer to everyone, especially our seniors who are the backache of our nation. I would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara Bush, who taught me to read and write when I was still knee-high to a lawnmower. We need our seniors to be free to pass on their life's work to those they love, and especially to pass on. Thanks, Mom and Dad. We know America is the best in the world. We are the great super-premium; we cannot afford to be unleaded. This is still a world of madmen and mental losses. And mental loss is easy to underestimate. We need a sharpened sword to light our way. To quote Ronald Reagan: I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do something. And it must never run our lives.

The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches every killing heart. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches and feet, not miles or kilograms. Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by common sense and plain dozing. I got on with small business because I was one myself. I'm less now. But I'm also more. We are all less and more. More or less. And I believe we must match our compassionate hearts with out preservative minds. I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw to a confusion. My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire and untie. I will appeal to people's better angles. I will prove that politics can be bigger than you ever thought possible. We will trust the people we serve, and serve the people we trust. Together we can do what needs to be done to preserve this great bastard of freedom.

Thank you and God help America.

(via email; believed to originate from December issue of The Economist)

MEMORANDUM
Home Office
Direct Communications Unit
7th Floor, 50 Queen Anne's Gate
London, SW1H 9AT

TO: The Citizens of the United States of America
RE: Revocation of your Independence


In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents. Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly? or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "$hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

Rt Hon David Blunkett
Home Secretary

Official messages from her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II of England to all Americans:

In view of your failure to elect a proper and semi-intelligent president of the United States in two straight elections and showing you are now incapable of governing yourselves, The queen hereby gives formal notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II will assume duties as your monarch and supreme ruler over all states and territories except for Arkansas, Tennessee, Alabama and Florida which her Majesty considers either too vile or senile to bother with reforming.

Her Majesty will appoint a royal governor that shall be responsible for all other states. Since you can not vote intelligently or decide matters of state, both houses of Congress, the supreme court and obviously the office of president are disbanded effectively immediately. The country formally known as the United States, now a laughingstock in the eyes of the world is now reabsorbed into the British empire from which it came. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules will take effect next Monday.

1. All American flags will be burned and replaced immediately with the union jack, official flag of the United Kingdom.
2. The armed forces will report to Prince William. Prince Charles will become Secretary of Defence, other posts to be filled by members of the royal family to be announced shortly.
3. All will be required to learn ballroom dancing, eat mutton every Tuesday, fish and chips on Fridays and come to appreciate warm beer.
4. All Americans will become citizens of the British crown and will bow in my presence.
5. All American holidays except for New Years and Christmas are revoked to be replaced by holidays celebrated in the UK.
5. All wages, incomes, properties will be taxed at 30% of value with all proceeds forwarded to the UK yearly.
6. Starbucks will replace coffee with twenty flavours of British tea.

The Queen expresses regret for taking such drastic measures, but since half of Americans never bother to vote and the other half twice in a row decided to vote for a blithering idiot that by the way the last time he visited wrecked my rose garden with his helicopter and goons running all over the queen's official gardens and never even saying he was sorry, the Queen has no choice but to revoke your sovereignty since it is clear too many Americans have taken leave of their senses.

In light of your failure to make the correct decision in electing your President, thus showing you to be unfit to govern yourselves, we hereby give you notice of the revocation of your independence effective as of Monday 8th November 2004. [etc]

In the light of your failure to elect a sane President of the United States and thus to govern yourselves with consideration for the rest of world, we hereby give notice of the Revocation of your Independence, effective immediately . [etc]

To the citizens of the United States of America, in view of Prime Minister Tony Blair becoming President of all he surveys, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

The main response circulated was largely the same as in 2000: DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA

(2004) (ANOTHER) US RESPONSE TO THE REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

While we Americans might have taken this little joke of yours badly, we have recognized it for what it is: a cry for help. We realize that you are tired of being a third-rate little country on your own. Therefore we shall bring you into the fold as our 51st state. There will be some changes:

1. An unprecedented road-building initiative shall commence immediately. Check out the interstate system in the US. You'll see why this is needed. We will probably bring in Germans to do this. Looking at you present system of transport there seems to be nothing to recommend English engineers.

2. Everyone will be issued with an automobile. Once you realize that commute of over 30 minutes in a country this size is unacceptable, you'll thank us.

3. Squads of bitter, overweight, ex-high school, and college athletes will be shipped over to instruct you on winning. In short, winning is everything. Coming in third place consistently and congratulating yourselves on being good sports is stupid. Wake up. (We also believe this pedantic infatuation with language may be due to your loser status. Giving you something to feel good about.)

4. You will no longer be allowed to mention the Second World War. It was the last thing you won, but it was over fifty years ago.

5. You will now be allowed to express your feelings when you want. If someone cuts in front of you in line - queue is a silly word and is henceforth outlawed - you are now allowed to kick his ass or shoot him. That's part of being an American: choices and handguns. You're really going to like this.

6. The English tradition of getting in line will probably go out of style once the stores are open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and actually have what you're looking for at a price you can afford. This is a lot to take in. Breathe slowly and take it a little at a time.

7. Soccer is out the window. Let's face it, sitting around for two hours watching a bunch of guys not score points is infuriating. That's why you kill each other over it.

8. The Spice Girls will be executed. No discussion.

Things that will not change:

1. The monarchy will remain much as it is today. We think it's cute. However we will tax them. Anybody that rich can afford it.

2. You can keep ignoring the metric system, but maybe do it a little more proactively like the rest of the States. Let's face it. Do you really want your kids using something the French came up with?

3. The English accent will remain intact. We like the sound of it, even if you do use a lot of silly words.

Congratulations on your ascension to these heady heights.

Upon reflection, Her Majesty's Government has decided that the British no longer want America. For a start, we do not wish to lower our average IQ. To allow distinction between Britain and America the following should be implemented forthwith:

1. The English language is English as the name "English" suggests; new dialects made from the non-English are to be banned. The English decide how the English language is to be spoken. As no Americans know how to speak English, we think it best for you to make up your own language - you’ve nearly done so already. It’ll be easier than learning correct English. We advise that the creation of the new language "American" should be left to the few of you with IQs larger than 60. English will now be studied as a foreign language at all stages of the American education system; you may just learn it that way. Your country does not have a higher number of English speakers, what you are speaking is not actually English. There is no such nationality as Scotch; it is Scottish. Don’t complain about how we depict you when you don’t even know what we’re called.

2. Hollywood is to acknowledge what really happened in all war films. You did not have the "U-571" mission. That was the British. "We Were Soldiers" is to have a new ending. Don't even get us started on "The Patriot". You did not win Vietnam; the films should show this. Hollywood is to create 10 films of what America did wrong in wartime, we all make mistakes, no wonder you are all big-headed.

3. Sports are from now on allowed no padding. We can cope without it, you will be surprised to find that no other country uses it and it is not necessary. We created the first football, so we decide what is football. Your sport football is now called American Women’s Rugby. Basketball will be called Men’s Netball. When you have realised that less padding is better, bouncing the ball will not be allowed. In Hockey only the goalkeeper will wear pads, and you are only allowed to hit with one side of the stick. Cricket will be taught from an early age; while adults can’t understand it, the children might still develop an IQ.

4. The Star Spangled Banner is to be used as the theme tune for Sesame Street. The existing one is a little too intelligent for American children. As for the adults, the Sesame Street theme tune is on the same level as your intellectual abilities and is now your National Anthem. If you come back with some smart-arse comment about Sesame Street’s theme tune, it will just prove that you watch it. Think carefully.

5. Teletubbies was intended for children's television. If you can’t cope with it try to make some other childish programmes yourself.

6. Adverts can only be shown twice every 30 minutes on television. TV is for programmes not advertising. Shopping channels will be merged with ordinary stations; this will reduce your advertising, your credit card debts, and the cost of your cable bill.

7. Again, we made beer, so we decide what it is. American Budweiser is not beer; beer tastes good.

8. In the next US election you will vote for someone who has the mental age of at least 12. It’s not much, but improvements should be gradual. If you elect someone with a mental age of more than 18, each of those that voted for this person will be presented with a certificate of sanity and mediocre intelligence.

9. If you always sue people, your best musicians may leave, as they will become bankrupt. Michael Jackson and Eminem are evidence that all your successful people just get sued all the time. With this it is no surprise that no-one has an IQ of above 60, as the ones that do have to give their money to those that don’t

10. You are not Irish. The real Irish get pissed off when you claim that you are once a year. If you insist on this habit, you may become part of Ireland, but that will mean that you have to learn English, rather than create American (see clause 1).

11. We don’t have handguns; our guns are used for hunting animals not people. You should adapt to do likewise. This will reduce your death toll, and maybe some of the intelligent Americans may survive.

12. Thank you for your co-operation. We believe if you do the above, your average IQ may rise by 50%. You may now continue watching Teletubbies.

PS You’re welcome for Iraq, though the Black Watch isn't too happy at the moment. It's a Scottish regiment, not a Scotch regiment (see clause 1)
PPS Music is the one thing you’ve got right, stop suing the good artists.

On second thoughts …. Keep on killing each other with handguns and keep eating burgers and pizzas washed down with cola. That way, the combined mortality due to shootings, obesity and diabetes will render the "American dilemma" obsolete long before the next US Election is due.

To the citizens of the former United States of America,

In the event of inability to nominate a sentient candidate for President of the USA, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your nationhood before you can once again make fools of yourself when it comes to actually voting. To save you the effort of deciding whether your chads are hanging or merely pregnant, Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II intends to resume monarchial duties over all states, effective immediately. To help the Royal coffers, she intends to realise the land value by disposing of the territory in parcels as follows:-

Texas will formally become part of Mexico; this formalises the current arrangement as the state is already a defacto part of Mexico. We hope the formalisation of its status will improve the cuisine. To give the Mexicans more lebensraum Utah, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma and Missouri will also become part of Mexico. Alaska will be given back to Russia. Inhabitants of the aforementioned states are advised to enrol on language courses, although considering how badly they speak English, their new landlords might resent having their languages mangled in a similar fashion.

Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, the Dakotas, Nebraska, Minnesota and Iowa will all be given to Canada and become part of the British Commonwealth. The majority of Canada's population is crammed up against their warmer southern border, so we believe it only fair they get a bit of breathing room. Inhabitants of those regions will need to get used to things such as Mounties, good manners and speaking French. Louisiana, Mississippi, Arkansas and Alabama, which her Majesty considers somewhat backward, will be renamed Arcadia and given to the Quebecois as an independent country. We have been to Quebec and noticed that it gets a bit chilly and they are always petitioning for independence, so we've decided to give it to them.

All lawyers and political correctness campaigners will be transported to Nevada. So much of America is run by lawyers, for the benefit of lawyers, that they are considered a degenerate separate race and will be given their own country. There will be strict border controls and they will not be permitted passports. By the time the lawyers have finished suing each other over what to call the new country, they will have died out. Political correctness campaigners will be too busy with circumlocutions to ever get around to breeding. Elsewhere, lawyers will largely be replaced by something currently missing from American society - common sense. The reason the USA has become so litigious is a ploy by its real ruling class - lawyers - to remain rich and in control.

Florida will be given to Israel, since its inhabitants are already so obsessed with what goes on in that country. When technology permits, it will be air-freighted to the Middle East. Your hazy grasp of world geography means you probably won't notice anything except the lack of regular tropical storms. California will be given its independence as a gay state. Feel free to paint it pink, rename it or whatever you like, but don't get too attached to any seafront properties as another couple of quakes will see most of it fall into the sea.

Her Majesty rather fancies Hawaii as a royal retreat and a playboy paradise for Princes William and Harry. It will make a change from all those skiing holidays at Klosters. After all, the Queen and Duke are not getting any younger and would prefer to over-winter in warmer climes. The remaining states, i.e. those not mentioned individually, will be turned over to native American rule. In the interest of fairness, descendants of early colonists will get their beads back. Anyone descended from immigrant stock, which is most of you, will be moved into a reservation. We suggest Manhattan Island, though it might get a bit crowded.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a nice day.

It was inevitable that the "Revocation" would do the rounds again in 2004. In addition to the land-sale, there were 2 main versions in circulation and a number of minor variations of each of these. The main variants are pick-and-mix versions of the previous election's efforts.  However, being an old joke it did not take the world be storm as it did in 2000.

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II,

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

In May 2001 some 6 months after the Revocation of Independence did the rounds, Dan Fox, a public relations consultant from London and self-confessed political junkie, claimed to be the ultimate originator of the Revocation of Independence. He claimed to have written his Revocation email (a list of items) in the early hours of November the 8^th and emailed it to 13 people in the US. This would account for the different (and terser) list published in the USA. Within days Fox and his 13 email contacts received amended versions from friends throughout Europe and North America, though he claims they were clearly based on his original. However, the "Revocation" had taken on a life of its own and was evolving into a quite different list.

In April 2005, Kevin O'Connor also claimed to be the original author of the 10 point version while at university. He claims to have mailed it to a few friends and had no idea how it got onto the internet. O'Connor's claimed 10 point version is equivalent to the Rieden 13 point version, minus the three items relating to sea salt, bitter (beer) and gasoline prices. O'Connor claims it was an original take on the Bush/Gore election, with a variety of old running jokes from his Senior School days when he hung around with a witty (and jokingly anti-French) crowd who had an American for an English Teacher.

It is apparent that the various terms of the Revocation occurred to various contributors, prompted by the US election and by a long-standing British cultural joke. Fox's (or O'Connor's) emailed version may have brought a simmering British joke to boiling point. Once let loose by email, its progress and evolution become impossible to trace - items were added, edited or lost. Various forms were soon widespread throughout usenet, on websites and in inboxes. There were several identifiable major and minor variants. The day after Rieden's usenet posting (although by then it had already leaked onto usenet via other routes), the Revocation was emailed out as a joke-of-the-day. Upon a few more refining comments (added by other individuals) it became the article which was emailed around the world. The first 4 points of the terse American 15 point version are identical to those in the Baxter version and may owe more to Fox's original than to the Baxter/Rieden version, but its spread was hindered by cultural references that mean little to non-Americans e.g. outside of the USA, relatively few know what the Washington Monument or Lincoln Memorial are. Those items were soon lost from the list.

On Thursday 16^th it appeared on the BBC News Website. On Sunday 19^th November, it was mentioned on the 09:00 UK ITV News. On 20^th November I received (by company internal email) the first of many responses - a "Notice of Annexation of the UK by the US". On Tuesday 21^st , the email version of Revocation was read out in full on BBC Radio Merseyside and appeared on the front page of the prestigious UK newspaper, The Times in the article "Who Wants to Be A President?" which read: "The latest bumper sticker reads 'Screw this I'm moving to Canada' and an internet proclamation suggests that as Americas 224 year experiment with independence seems to be in chaos, it may be time for Her Majesty to take over again"

On 20^th November Rieden admitted that his role in the writing (or rewriting) of the "Revocation" had proven to be something of an embarrassment to him. He had received hundreds of emails from amused usenet subscribers. There had not been a single negative response. By this time, recipients were adding their own personal thoughts to the Notice of Revocation leading to multiple versions in circulation. The Revocation had become email-lore and references (citations) and excerpts were appearing in on-line and hard-copy publications. Most versions stabilised at 10 or 12 items, though the content varied. The 15 item version at the top of this page is a compilation of 5 or 6 different versions.

The following response was posted to sci.military.naval on 21^st Nov as being from the Supreme Court of Florida, but was less well-received by Brits on the newsgroup and did not make it into email-lore:

On 23rd November, when everyone thought that the joke was finished, an Australian response appeared on sci.military.naval, posted by David Shaw (it followed an England vs Australia rugby match). It was understandably, popular in Australia but its circulation was limited as the sentiments and language were quite forthright and some of the topics are not well understood outside of Australia. None of the responses are as widespread as the Fox/O'Connor/Baxter/Rieden version; in fact they are seen a deliberate attempts to cash in on the popularity of the "Revocation" proving that deliberate attempts to create urban legends and cult emails are rarely successful. Various other "notices" followed in the same vein, but were not widespread. Soon after that, the "Revocation" seemed to die - although it would later turn out to be only sleeping.

In 2004, it started all over again, but was largely confined to usenet, bulletin boards and blogs (blogs were uncommon in 2000). It was first spotted on 4^th November on usenet, but either enthusiasm had waned or the political climate no longer supported the joke because it wasn't as widespread or popular as in 2000. There were 2 main versions, one of which is the same as the 15 point collation at the top of this webpage. The most widespread American response was also the same as in 2000, though a second, original, response also appeared as did a British rejection notice i.e. "on second thoughts we don't want you back!" During 2004, it was also wrongly attributed to English comedian John Cleese and was circulated crediting him as the author. Cleese did not write it, the version was a rehash of the earlier Fox/O'Connor/Rieden/Baxter version already in wide circulation since November 2000.