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IN MY KILLFILE
(To the tune of "Under My Thumb" by Mick Jagger/Keith Richards)
In my killfile
Because enough is enough
In my killfile
The troll who really pissed me off
The blame is his
The different ways he spewed out bile
Blame is his
But now I smile
He's in my killfile
Isn't it sweet, babe?
In my killfile
The effing prick with nothing to say
In my killfile
A troll who was wasting my day
The blame is his
Yes it is
His attitude just screamed out "Heil"
Blame is his
But now I smile
He's in my killfile
And he'll stay for a while
In my killfile
A new name has just been unfurled
In my killfile
No more cross-posts, hmmm
Across the world
The blame is his
The way he flames just to vex and rile
Blame is his
But now I smile
He's in my killfile
And it was easy, baby
Yeah
The blame is his, oh yeah
Don't need to see his bullshit denial
Blame is his
But now I smile
He's in my killfile
Yeah, he'll stay a while
In my killfile
His words can just stay to himself
In my killfile,
While I, I can still chat with someone else
The blame is his
That his posts are dead
Just let him sit and stew for a while
Blame is his}
But now I smile
He's in my killfile
Stay there a while
Stay there a...
Stay there a...
It was easy babe
It was easy babe
Stay a while
It was...
It was easy babe
KILLFILE (TROLLIN' TROLLIN' TROLLIN')
(Tune: "Rawhide" [TV Theme])
Losin’, losin’, losin’,
Trolls we’re disapprovin',
Keep them trolls a-movin', killfile.
Don't try to understand 'em,
Extinguish fires, don’t fan them.
Soon you'll see quiet far and wide.
You’ll miss out on their baitin',
Their arguin’ and ravin',
They’re waitin' to be in your killfile.
Move 'em in, turn ‘em off,
Turn ‘em off, move 'em in,
Move 'em in, turn ‘em off, killfile!
Tune 'em out, put 'em in,
Put 'em in, tune 'em out,
Tune 'em out, put 'em in killfiles!
Trollin', trollin', trollin',
Killfiles all are swollen,
Keep them filters growin', killfile.
Wherever trolls should blather,
Ignore ‘em altogether,
Try it, you’ll have some peace and quiet.
The things that you’ll be missin',
The moanin’ and the pissin',
Are gone if you just kiss ‘em goodbye.
Move 'em in, turn ‘em off,
Turn ‘em off, move 'em in,
Move 'em in, turn ‘em off, killfile!
Tune 'em out, put 'em in,
Put 'em in, tune 'em out,
Tune 'em out, put 'em in killfiles!
WHINE ON YOU CRAZY USENET
(Tune: Shine On You Crazy Diamond by Pink Floyd)
Whine on you crazy usenet
Come on you flamers,
You lusers, you lamers,
And Whine!
Remember when you were young,
You posted for fun.
Whine on you crazy usenet.
You answered the troller too soon,
Tried to reason the loon.
Whine on you crazy usenet.
Well you squandered your logon on random emission,
Blown on the spiel breeze:
Come on you poster, you seer of newsgroups,
Come on you flamer, you luser, you lamer,
And Whine!
OTHER VERSES
These mystical newsgroups are a home now for me
For my home is the usenet and always will be
Some day you'll return to your inflatble dolls
And you'll no longer burn to be king of the trolls
Dire Straits – Brothers in Arms
I was sick and tired of everything,
When I saw your post on usenet,
All you do is post and eat and sing,
Thinking every jibe will be the last one...
ABBA – Super Trooper
A hand above the water
An angel reaching for the sky
Are there newsgroups in heaven -
Or will it cause me to cry?
Brian May (and Queen) – No one but you
The lunatic is on the net,
The lunatic is on the net,
The posting screws his tortured logic to the floor,
And every usenet refresh brings more...
IN MY KILLFILE NOW
(Tune: "In The Army Now" by Status Quo)
Relegation to the killfile zone,
Newsgroup's quiet, one more troll is gone,
You're in my killfile now
Oh, oh you're in my killfile - now
Do you remember all the things you said?
Now all your cross-posts will be left unread,
You're in my killfile now
Oh, oh you're in my killfile - now
The newsgroup used to be fun place to be,
Cross-posted garbage we don't like to see,
You're in my killfile now
Oh, oh you're in my killfile - now
Racist, sexist, homophobic too,
We don't have time for the likes of you,
You're in my killfile now
Oh, oh you're in my killfile - now
All your insults fly right over my head
You can post till you're blue in the face,
Insults to gender or insults to race,
You're in my killfile now
Oh, oh you're in my killfile - now
You post a hundred times each day,
But no-one wants to read the things that you say,
You're in my killfile now
Oh, oh you're in my killfile - now
You used to think that you were cool and droll,
Posting your flame-bait, you're a usenet troll,
You're in my killfile now
Oh, oh you're in my killfile - now
My newsreader's set up to kill off your posts,
You think you're educated, but you're really a joke,
You're in my killfile now
Oh, oh you're in my killfile - now
You're in my killfile now
Oh, oh you're in my killfile - now
You post a hundred times ev-ery day,
You're just another P - L - O - N and K
You're in my killfile now
Oh, oh you're in my killfile - in my killfile now
You're in my killfile now
Oh, oh you're in my killfile - now
Oh, oh you're in my killfile - in my killfile now
Oh, oh you're in my killfile - now
(PLONK - Person/Posts Left Off Newsgroup - Killfiled)
P.L.N.K
(Tune Y.M.C.A. by Village People)
(P.L.N.K. = Person/Posts Left (off) Newsgroup - Killfiled)
Killfile, when you're reading your news,
I said, Killfile, you don't like someone's views,
I said, Killfile, cause you're tired of their flames,
You find all their jokes are so lame.
Killfile, it's a place trolls can go
I said, Killfile, when jokes irritate so,
All the dickheads who are wasting your day,
All their posts will be thrown away
It's fun to play with the P.L.N.K.
It's fun to play with the P.L.N.K.
You have everything to set up some rules,
You can filter out the damn fools
It's fun to play with the P.L.N.K.
It's fun to play with the P.L.N.K.
You can kill of the spam,
You can kill off the pains,
You can even relegate the flames.
Sad troll, are you listening to me
You've been killfiled so I don't have to see
All your insults or your inanity
Now you're talking to yourself, see
Sad troll, go and play by yourself,
You've been killfiled, you've been left on the shelf,
I put you there, you are P.L.N.K.
It's time other folks had their say
It's fun to play with the P.L.N.K.
It's fun to play with the P.L.N.K.
They have everything to set up some rules,
You can filter out the damn fools
It's fun to play with the P.L.N.K.
It's fun to play with the P.L.N.K.
You can kill of the spam,
You can kill off the pains,
You can even relegate the flames.
Killfile, I was down feeling blue.
Before I heard about message rules,
No posts, I just didn't feel bold,
Got flamed and felt left out in the cold,
That's when someone emailed to me
And said "Killfiles - they'll soon set you free,
There's a place that's called the P.L.N.K.
Relegate the trolls there today"
It's fun to play with the P.L.N.K.
It's fun to play with the P.L.N.K.
They have everything to set up some rules,
You can filter out the damn fools
P.L.N.K.
It's fun to play with the P.L.N.K.
It's fun to play with the P.L.N.K.
Killfile, Killfile, there's no need to feel down
Killfile, Killfile, turn your newsgroups around
P.L.N.K. Just set up your P.L.N.K.
Killfile, Killfile, You can set up some rules
Killfile, Killfile, You can filter out fools
MY FAVOURITE SPAMS
My incoming email is stuffed full of trannies,
Orgies and hot teens and sex-obsessed grannies,
Girl-on-girl action, live teen web-cams,
These are a few of my favourite spams!
Hot porno cartoons and free-to-view features,
Adverts for women in coitus with creatures,
Prozac, viagra and "419" scams
These are a few of my favourite spams!
Bum shots and crotch shots, and shots of her anus,
Movies of sex romps of somebody famous,
Auto-insurance and clean septic tanks
These are a few of my favourite spams!
Stock picks and singles, degrees, ordinations,
"Bored with your day job?", live Latina action,
Cable decoders, forged emails from banks,
These are a few of my favourite spams!
SPAMHEMIAN RHAPSODY
Is this a real mail
From PayPal Security?
Clogging my inbox
No escape from spamfoolery
Open my mail
Look at my new-mail and see
I'm spammed to hell Boy, I need some filters, see -
Because I'm easy spammed, easy scammed,
Four one nine, Can-Spam time?
Unsubscribe my email, doesn't really stop spam to me,
To me
Dammit, just got a spam,
Clicked a link right where it said,
"Unsubscribe" - my PC's dead,
Dammit, life had just begun,
But now I've got a trojan on its way
Registry-y-y-y,
Didn't purchase McAfee -
I really must acquire this Spam Assassin
Bl**dy spam, bl**dy spam, my mailbox is full of clutter
Hot tips, Stock Picks have come,
Market news, no opt-out line
Hot stock options all the time,
Hello cheating housewives - I must say "no"
And the barely legal teen sites aren't my thing
Spammer ooo (everywhere your spam goes)
I don't want your spam,
I sometimes wish I'd never been given email
I bought mail filters with heuristics to kill spam,
Ambien, Ambien do you need some Valium?
Look! Online pharmacy - very very frightening eeek!
Hydrocodone, Hydrocodone,
Hydrocodone Hydrocodone
Hydrocodone, Viagra-a-a and Xanax
Now I'm on email, bulk mailers love me
Now he's on email, no help from his I.S.P.
Spare him his life from this spam tsunami,
Easy spammed, easy scammed, will you let me go,
Cialis! No, you cannot unsubscribe, let me go,
Cialis! You cannot unsubscribe. Let me go,
Cialis! You cannot unsubscribe. Let me go,
Cannot unsubscribe. Let me go,
Cannot unsubscribe. Let me go,
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
Spammer dear, spammer dear, spammer dear let me go!
Bulk email has a mortgage offer here for you, for you, for you!
Ev'ry morning you spam me with online degrees
Ev'ry morning you tempt me with lesbian teens
No opt-out - Can-Spam means zilch in Asia
Just gotta opt out, just gotta opt right outta here ...
Nothing stops the spammers,
Anyone can see,
Nothing stops the spammers, nothing stops the spammers you see,
Ev'rywhere the spam goes ....
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