HGV HUMOUR
HGV THEORY EXAM
|
QUESTIONS |
ANSWERS |
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When should you use headlights? |
To warn mates of speed traps. |
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When do you overtake on the left (inside)? |
When the bastard in front of you won't move over. |
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What documents must you take on the road? |
The Sun, The Star, The Daily Mirror, Playboy and Forum. |
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When must you stop? |
To have a piss, leg over, fry up or a tot of brandy. |
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Where should you not park? |
Outside the house of the tart you are shagging. |
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What do you expect to see on a rural road? |
Rural tarmac. |
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How many types of pedestrian crossings are there? |
Two - those who do and those who don't. |
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What is the correct procedure for overtaking on the Motorway? |
Foot hard down, eyes shut and smile. |
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When should you use the Fast Lane on the Motorway? |
When you are going home on a promise. |
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What do you do in the event of a breakdown on the Motorway? |
Leave the damn thing and hitch a ride home. |
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What does a Yellow Box Junction mean? |
They have run out of white paint. |
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What do Broken White Lines mean? |
Careless road-painters. |
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What does the Highway Code say about tyres? |
Use only round ones. |
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When can you cross double white lines in the road? |
After 9 lagers, 2 vodkas and a whisky. |
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How do you avoid drowsiness on the Motorway? |
Grope your hitch-hiker. |
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What must you check before leaving a building site? |
That you have enough bricks under the sheet to build a new barbecue. |
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What do double yellow lines on the side of the road mean? |
Chinese Takeaway ahead. |
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Where do you situate your danger triangle when broken down? |
Up the Transport Manager's a*se. |
Congratulations. You have just PASSED your HGV Theory Exam.
HGV DRIVERS' ENGLISH/CONTINENTAL DICTIONARY
A useful glossary of motoring terms for HGV drivers who visit the Continent (i.e. mainland Europe).
|
ENGLISH |
CONTINENTAL EQUIVALENT |
|
Accident |
Der Bleedinmess |
|
Bonnet (Hood) |
Der Pulnob und Fingerchoppen |
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Clutch |
Die Kuplink mit ashlippen und schaken |
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Cyclist |
Der Peddalpushink Pilloken |
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Speedometer |
Der Egobooster und Linenshooter |
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Puncture |
Die Phlattmitt Bluddyfukken |
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Learner |
Die Twatten mitt Elplatz |
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Estate Car |
Der Baggeroom fu schaggink inauto |
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Windscreen Wiper |
Der flippenflappen Mukkenschpredder |
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Footbrake |
Der Edbangeron Vindskreen |
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Gearshift Lever |
Biggenstikken fur Kangeroohoppen |
|
Skid |
Der Banannen Waltzen |
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Breathalyser |
Die Puffinbag fur Pisterarsen |
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Headlights |
Das Dippendont Dazl-u-Basted |
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Exhaust (Tailpipe) |
Spitzenpoppenhangentuben |
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Exhaust Fumes |
Der Koffen und Schpitternpoluter |
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Highway Code |
Die Wipen fur Aarsen |
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Fog Warning |
Die Puttenleg Downen und Fukkit |
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Indicators |
Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken |
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Tyres |
Flatfahrts |
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Traffic Jam |
Die Bluddenfukkit Dammundblast |
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Backfire |
Der Lowden Bangen Mekkenjumppen |
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Juggernaut |
Der Fukkengrett Trukken |
|
Seat Belt |
Der Klunken Klikken Fraulein Strapper Innen |
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Near Accident |
Der Fukken Nier Schittenselfen |
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Rear View Mirror |
Der Yonkunter ist Tooclosan |
|
Filling Station |
Der Heiway Robberung |
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Fuel Gauge |
Der Walletemptyung Meter |
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Parking Meter |
Die Tenner Pinscher und Zlockenarr |
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Power Assisted Brakes |
Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppen Dubbelquick |
|
Double White Lines |
Overtaken und Krunchen |